A new found passion and life mission.

If you could foresee your future in times of uncertainty, would you want to know? I have always held a sense of impatience with simply just waiting around for life to just happen. Although I am aware that we put in the necessary legwork in general to get the wheels turning, but really who has time for that in a day and age of instant gratification and appeasement? Well apparently I have the awareness within and the gathered patience that rendered my 2013-year full of surprises and long-term transitions. 2013 appeared to be the year of self-recognition. The mistakes from past have all healed and bought to form a recognizable difference within me. I cannot force life to undo itself or reveal its intentions. I have made amends with the power of words and my usage of it. Having determined that faith and guidance was no longer a spiritual reference, but something in life that always occurred even when unknown. The inevitability of life escaping right before my eyes within the tight grasp of clenched fists presented itself in 2012. I promised myself that not only would I claim the incoming New Year, but also I would finally seek the solace and contentment I know I could achieve and maintain. The discontentment with just simply existing and being with new found dating partners, and on/off again lover(s) didn't matter to me any more. A self-cleanse not only from the carnal needs of physical intimacy, but the discipline to recognize the blunders and the bullshit and fairytale endings kept me afloat. I was no longer in Wonderland...I had just arrived. A singular lesson of having held my own for so long, to then restart something so unfamiliar to me almost put me in a tailspin emotionally. My 2013 start and finish were quiet and appeared to have stabilized throughout the mishaps and life bumps. Oddly enough, I continued to hear a calm "This situation could be worse; there is hope within the hopeless". Swallowing my pride I allowed myself to retreat and lay still within the oncoming seasons that would creep in and challenge my sensibilities. For within my doubt stood fear and within my fear I remained tall. Unaltered passion and basic chemistry revved up my summer and allowed my inner most fantasies to peak. During this time I believe my body experienced an almost shock to its system. There was a time when my passion wavered between several interests, feminine to masculine as it ebbed and flowed. My attention span was limited at the time and my want(s) rippled like a rock dropped into a pond. The waves peaked and then settled all at once. A life challenge and transformation centered my heart, but it remained unsettled and beat rampantly. Yet again I was placed into another life altering situation that altered my ever-changing moods. I remained unsettled and at times at odd within myself, but I continued to learn life and the appreciation of the life I was living. In 2012 a mind-altering relationship not only centered me, but also stilled me. I ushered in 2013 with a newfound interest, and taste of life. Hobbies turned into life passions, dreams turned into destined happenings and no longer appeared as chance encounters. The way I viewed life and how I was conducting my very own existence mattered to me. I guess the moment I started documenting my passionate and at times love ridden experiences, I began freeing up time and space and most importantly my heart. As I bring this year to a close, I can’t help but pay homage with grace to all of the moments within this year that had built up to this blog entry. I have become stilled within. Faced to listen, seek and search for more than just the surface of life. My enjoyment, my adventure and pleasure based interactions and experiences that bring joy and happiness to my life have all come from a deep-seated need to remain in control of my life. At one time I thought control was a strong word, but it is actually a guiding tone setter to draw inner strength and experience from each and every moment I breathe. From taking within, I have been afforded the ability to give so much more. I am no longer limited in my interactions and experiences, and although I may stumble and fall, I will rise to the occasion. Never toppling too far and never venturing away. Welcoming 2014 and all of its new experiences and self-explorations, my mind has strengthened and its capacity has increased. Happy New Year