Heart's a Mess.....

How do you get over someone who you love with someone you like? How do you possibly let go of his mental image and physical connection to you with someone you lust after? Is lust stronger than love?

Having had time to part myself away from the one whom I admired for about a week and half, I ventured into a pseudo romanticized happening. I call it a happening because it literally just happened. Intially me and my new interest was supposed to go out to dinner, however, work schedules and no replies turned into a moody and annoyed me. I decided to go into ignore mode and figure out the rest of my days plans, until Mr. Lust called and inquired as to why was out plans changed? So I gave Mr. Lust a chance and decided to meet him for dinner and conversations and boy was my night highly favored and enjoyed.

I have not enjoyed the company of a man for the duration of the entire night until the wee hours without any sexual content and intimacy levels experienced for a really long time, perhaps I could recall this experience back in my pre adolescent and teenage days, but as a woman with womanly needs and no apparent ties to anyone, even the one whom I love; I decided to venture out and experience this night. Endless conversation and simple gestures of calming intimacy to simple pleasures meant not to entice any further oddly satisifed me. Knowing that after hours and within the company of a handsome male your body would probably be liable to engage in just about any and everything, especially when your emotional connections to your loved one is disconnected and you are left vulnerable and waiting for answers that will never be answered from you or him.......but this enticement was blissful and pure with distant promises of more.

So the 24 plus hours spent with Mr Lust literally left me battery charged and aiming for him more and more, but the depth and intensity of my deprivation startled him some. I kind of fell back a bit, wishing that perhaps I wasn't so love wounded and sore for mistreatment from the one I loved. So I fell back in another ball of confusion.

Mr. Love contacts me and reports to me that perhaps I was being non responsive and not communicating that is why he responded and replied to me as such. Did I by the bull shit? Absolutely! We are wounded hearts who respond to love and the ones we love in such a way that begs anyone seeks attentions and affections and love to differ. How could I forget my love on a simple weekend of lusty tendencies?

I question myself......How deep is my love?

Content in you "Our" world.

How can you skate through a relationship without even acknowledging it's existence? Passing by a stranger in the street there is of course no formal connection, but passing by your lover, the one you idolize in your most passionate and dearest way; how could that be and how could that even occur? So I sit here thinking about our time we experienced. I think about the jist of the arguments and the moments in time when we go a week or two weeks without even speaking to one another. The build up before the pressure center erupts can all be centered to our issue at hand. The connection, the love, the relationship skirmish by dodging the reality of it all....We love each other. We would not mind being with each other and experiencing one another, but leaving the relationship, experiencing the break up's and perhaps becoming estranged is too unbearable. So we choose to be safe and enjoy our life and experiences amongst ourseleves, but with no definitive ties.

In my most current now I really love and enjoy you. In my most current now I really appreciate the fact that our relationship continues to shed light on a lot of emotions and feelings I am currently battling with. In my most current now, I appreciate the fact that I have to allow life to settle, emotions to play their parts and for love to prevail and our reality to resume it's position and place in our life.


I am learning to embrace love.
I am learning to embrace the reality of having a relationship.
I am learning to fail in love.
I am learning to truly be in the moment, and not in the flow of love.
I am trusting.
I have faith.

I will allow you in.

Like WateR

Your intentions speak highly of your actions and just exactly how you were going to handle and deal with a particular situation. His intentions was to remain as we were. Two adults physically attracted to one another on so many sexual levels and comfort zones. Two aching adults emotionally intuned, but tuned out towards each other's individual needs. Two adults with seemingly similar wants and interest, but when looked upon each other's needs, passions and desires the disconnect continues to push us further away.

I can not tell you how many times I said I was going to pull myself through these emotional slumps. The little glimpse of hope, development and further progression of us set my heart and mind afire. I pretty much began hoping the fantasies and thoughts of you and us could further spill fourth and come to fruition. I laugh at this now, because in reality my fantasy you was someone beyond you. My fantasy you was everything I sought for you, for us and for the building of our relationship. I realized that you weren't ever going to change or transition into this man whom I dreamed about day in and out. I realized that perhaps you were something to stir and ignite a spark into my romantic depths and passions.

In this life time I have come to terms with the fact that we will fall madly and deeply in love with multiple people. We may even idolize and have severe puppy love for each other. Human attraction alongside wanting and needing can never be questioned or doubted in regards to it's intensity. With that realiztion I also came to understand my own personal battles with wanting so intensly. Just because we have cupid eyes or see birds of love flying across our heads does not negate the fact that it just might be experienced, expressed and felt and in passing. It's ok to love and to experience love, but love is as water; fluid and ever flowing and ever changing. At times you (WE) need to all let love go in order to recieve and accept a consistent and constant love. The love I am describing for the males that have entered my life was ever moving, flowing and efficient to an extent of the time experienced with them. This love needed to be let go, and for that I welcome the outwardly flow of loving emotions and affections associated with my past. As in relinquishing a title, I reclaim my heart to it's present and most current needs. Gracing me with the presence of continued blessings and life long lessons. I grant serenity to my ailing heart.