Showing posts from 2012

The Reality is...Close out to the 2012 Year


Yesterday I Smiled Today I laughed and Tomorrow I will have arrived!

A little weekend trip away from New York City to Washington, DC was just the rejuvenation and steps needed in order to further finalize my hearts previous admissions. I had a lot of time to not only reevaluate my past couple of months and overall years high and low peaks, but the fact of the matter is I no longer need YOU.

Realizing that someone no longer serves a purpose in your life can be compared to a freeing sensation within yourself (ME). Every experience and moment shared with this someone becomes distant and faint. What stood out and mattered the most to you no longer holds you.

We choose to be happy. We choose to enjoy each and every experience with our significant others, but when did we choose inept solitude? Was it my choice to partially experience a relationship? Reaping on the limited benefits of an uncertain love...I was angered and disheartend all at once and so blinded by what I thought would be best for my heart.


Simply stated but reveling in my current re…

Friendship two way?

Closing out old chapters and welcoming in new interests and insight I decided that the best practice to enact is the act of forgiveness. The act to gather yourself and move forward, but as you are excelling forward you are already at such heights that coming back down no longer presents itself as an option.

You ever have a friend that became more than a friend to you? A friend who you could enjoy the friendship, alongside pseudo moments of a budding relationship? A friendship that really never had those clearly defined rules of engagement. A friendship that perhaps there was something there be it chemistry, be it excitement and everything that centered on a potential relationship, but the friendship just remained. Along these lines we have mutually made decisions and mistakes that continued to build the nonexistent relationship and uniquely defined friendship.

As time went by everything became blurry. The clearly undefined lines wanted to be recognized. These lines that permeated al…

Finding ME....."Lesson Learned"

On the Airplane enroute to New Orleans Mood: Emotional (slightly teary and sensitive) and good.
So today my emotions are all over the place. I cannot entirely base the feelings I am experiencing on one particular person, incident or situation. I can definitely blame the hormones for perhaps an increase in estrogen, but I am not entirely sold on blaming them.
So why am I on this flight? Why did I board this plane? Why? My fears and motivations and experiences to this date have been pretty interrupted and unexplained. However, how can I explain my current situation and now? How can I explain the moment in between?
What’s going on with my world and life now? Perhaps I can’t think about it just now. Perhaps I don’t have the desired answer(S) because I ABSOLUTELY can’t define my feelings and emotions in regards to our situation.
Yes we have a situation. My eyes began to tear just thinking about this muddled mess of a situation. I can’t define or underline an exact answer, and to this …

In the Night the truth sets US free!

11:59 pm Sunday Dusk
 Having had a lot of time to sort out reality from fantasy I really began to see the dream like state I, You and "We" had created. Sleep pattern on non compliant. Mindset on forget you not. Emotional heart tugging and banging to be loved only by you and stiffling outside competition easily. My mind should be silenced and at ease, but it's racing and thinking about you. Only you.

12:00 AM Monday
When I need you the most you are never to be found. Be it your work schedule, home life and family schedule, social schedule, sporting schedule or individual time schedule; you remain never to be found when I call, text, conjure up an erotic thought as detailed as ever, and designed to be demonstrated only in the midst of you, yet again your schedule remains conflicting with mine and your time is compromised, but again you send me messages awaking my inner needs. Knowing that my needs wont get met on my suggested time schedule, but only whenever I am adhering…

The Heart's Desire Speaks

So I had the talk of all talk's with a dear relative whose opinion I value and treasure dearly. The talk allowed me to realize that I am allowing my negative thoughts on relationships and love and the possibility of extending a friendship into a long term partnership to be deflated and almost defeated. I allowed past reactions and responses to underline my hearts want(s) and need(s). So what this intensive talk allowed pretty much underlined for me not fearing so much, letting go assumtions and doubt and simply exploring and experiencing the "what if".

So it's time for a negotiating lunch with him. It's time to lay everything onto the table replicating the menu and go over all three courses of the heart. Lastly, finishing up this romantic meal with a sweet taste of definition. Defined as so: We are to realize where we are exactly at during our relationship, and where exactly we are attempting to go and head. The future can not be clearly defined, but little dent…

A union of the mind and a matching of a shared heart.

Each time I close my eyes and think of you I am saddened. So as I open my eyes to new opportunities and venture out to exploring my reasons for emotional intimacy and disconnected feelings and why I am seeing my own personal decline in this area, I can not and will not blame you any longer. I have nutured these supressed feelings for way too long, and I have gathered more than enough personal and educational experience to know that our time has passed.

A dear friend asked me "Why do you fear love? Why do you fear intimacy and that special connection with a significant other? I really couldnt formulate an answer. I actually had to stop and think about the situation at hand. I want love. I think and believe I could handle a supportive and centered loving relationship, but when love is placed before me; I turn coat and run? How could this be? Or perhaps my dating rap sheet at best explains it all......questionable at best and undeniably looking for love in all the wrong places wou…

Heart's a Mess.....

How do you get over someone who you love with someone you like? How do you possibly let go of his mental image and physical connection to you with someone you lust after? Is lust stronger than love?

Having had time to part myself away from the one whom I admired for about a week and half, I ventured into a pseudo romanticized happening. I call it a happening because it literally just happened. Intially me and my new interest was supposed to go out to dinner, however, work schedules and no replies turned into a moody and annoyed me. I decided to go into ignore mode and figure out the rest of my days plans, until Mr. Lust called and inquired as to why was out plans changed? So I gave Mr. Lust a chance and decided to meet him for dinner and conversations and boy was my night highly favored and enjoyed.

I have not enjoyed the company of a man for the duration of the entire night until the wee hours without any sexual content and intimacy levels experienced for a really long time, perhap…

Content in you "Our" world.

How can you skate through a relationship without even acknowledging it's existence? Passing by a stranger in the street there is of course no formal connection, but passing by your lover, the one you idolize in your most passionate and dearest way; how could that be and how could that even occur? So I sit here thinking about our time we experienced. I think about the jist of the arguments and the moments in time when we go a week or two weeks without even speaking to one another. The build up before the pressure center erupts can all be centered to our issue at hand. The connection, the love, the relationship skirmish by dodging the reality of it all....We love each other. We would not mind being with each other and experiencing one another, but leaving the relationship, experiencing the break up's and perhaps becoming estranged is too unbearable. So we choose to be safe and enjoy our life and experiences amongst ourseleves, but with no definitive ties.

In my most current no…

Like WateR

Your intentions speak highly of your actions and just exactly how you were going to handle and deal with a particular situation. His intentions was to remain as we were. Two adults physically attracted to one another on so many sexual levels and comfort zones. Two aching adults emotionally intuned, but tuned out towards each other's individual needs. Two adults with seemingly similar wants and interest, but when looked upon each other's needs, passions and desires the disconnect continues to push us further away.

I can not tell you how many times I said I was going to pull myself through these emotional slumps. The little glimpse of hope, development and further progression of us set my heart and mind afire. I pretty much began hoping the fantasies and thoughts of you and us could further spill fourth and come to fruition. I laugh at this now, because in reality my fantasy you was someone beyond you. My fantasy you was everything I sought for you, for us and for the building…

Bad habits....

Whenever I am going through something or experiencing a change in my life I look towards all my safety net bad habits that sustained me and kept me afloat. That means contacting ex's whom I hardly missed or even had a second thought about how they are doing and the occurrences in their lives. Or perhaps we delve into the comfortable patterns of sloth and laziness and over indulgence. Yes, I could say that for the past week and a half I pretty much wasn't getting the exact reactions and responses from a lover that I wanted. It felt so easy to entertain negative and toxic responses. Texting so in so whom you don't like, but you enjoy the eagerness and prompt text responses from them. Hanging out with so in so because they indulge in ego inflation and over impressing causing you to take control and advantage of that situation and choose to your liking how you would like to see the date and night end, but when all is left and done and said and completed you are left alone wit…

Freely and Intelligently guiding love.

When everything appears to have been rejuvenated and looking fresh as the clearest streams, I then become patient and await the downfall of misunderstandings, disappointments and that ever to present feeling of something feeling too good to be truly present in my most current and inner needs of life. So going from a flighty high point and moment to an utter stillness to await the draft of deception, short-lived and forget about its I then became aware of me like quite no other self-assessment and life check in point.

I became aware of toxic thoughts and negative connotations associated with my mindset on my own personal battles with love and my thoughts on love and how I received and wanted to receive love within my life. I then began to let out all the pinned up disappointed air and faced myself and my feelings at hand. Yes I had fallen in love with someone. Yes I continued to admire and love them from afar and within kissing distance. I did not attempt to express myself as openly …

Time and Space and that IN BETWEEN love.

That underlying passion remains with us with you and within me. I realized just how deep my love and passion as well as desire’s are for you. All I can say is that the smell of newly interested eyes on my prize has left me. Literally you have my eyes wide open, knees knotted at the middle and in anticipation of your entry stance only.

Your smell and scent remains as an intoxicant for me. I become heady and high off of you and only you. When others attempt to impede on my grounded solace, all it takes is a call, text or link up with you. In your presence I ease in cat stance and await your fingers to glide down my back to my lower back to my all the way back.

Last night was experienced like no other. I think we not only bonded more, but I trusted you and you trusted me and we embarked on a lovers nest entwined with erotic riddum’s of past and present. My muscles eased and relaxed under your weight and stone like stance. I beckoned you deeper and closer inside of me. We fit, we meshe…

Nothing like you.....Can't settle.


To Fuck.....No chaser

Ever had the urge to just simply FUCK? F…U….C…K.. On demand is what I want of you. There is simply something about you that gently pulls my attention entirely and directly to you. I didn’t even want to know your last name, although my caller ID betrayed you. Check it; I didn’t even want to know your entire name. All I wanted from you and with you was your stance hovering over me waiting to dive inside of me.

I was laying in my bed and during this hot summer’s night my fan wasn’t oscillating to my body temp dire need, so I began to undress myself. My eyes were closed and my lips were suddenly swollen. My socks were bothering me so off they came first. Left to only a tee shirt, bra and panties I decided which item to minimize first. Slowly sliding my hands to my waist I held myself. The feminine indent of one’s tummy to navel, to the warm skin and slide of a curvaceous waist beckoned me to delve deeper. Never having before appreciated my pronounced and at times damnably womanly feature…

Reality of it all

Having been afforded the opportunity to travel aboard for the last two weeks of my 2012 Summer has not only opened my eyes and broadened my horizons, but I have been able to see the compassion and genuine spirits of others that has touched and opened my heart to much more. The more that I am talking about is the more a human spirit offers another in kindness and sincerity. The more I am talking about escapes general expectations and wants after the initial questioning or presenting of a favor or a desire to experience something. What is then put in place is the honest and openness of compassion, care and consideration for one another that ties into my long term wants ideals, needs and goals.

We will always desire to seek another who will fill us up completely and take us away. We will fall in love and romanticize with figments of our imaginations that have left us completely in want of more. Seducing our minds is an easy task, but prepping and placing promising and completed intimate…

Just a little Crush!

The excitement of a mutual interest has taken my utter attention and breath at this very moment. Typing with a new found sense of interest and excitement beyond the melancholic lessons learned, which recently has been dually noted, but what I simply just stated to myself is…..CAN MY HEART LIVE!!!


What makes up the laws of attraction? How are we to respond to someone who easily gathers our interest and piques the very things that move and stir’s us? To simply answer this question I would start with the stir of genuine and mutual interest. At times I have become accustomed to the clumsy half starts and complete stops of wanting to figure each other out intensely and get to know one another. What has become a common factor and finding in my most recent and previous romantic relationships, I have found that this bumpy ride never really suited me. I live and breathed continuous flow. Like a faucet being turned on for the first time and wetting the pipes it flowed through. The t…

A silent love is a lost love........

Time has elapsed into a defining act and decision

A silent love is a lost love.

Feelings and emotions all drawn into the mix of a surface relationship can only sustain the liquid mixture for just long. Reality seeped. I began to think to myself why does it matter to me in regards to you? Why do I care so much about you, when the majority of the time I feel as if it’s expressed one sided……but then I realized I never had you. I had devoured you as sensually and sexually fulfilling to both of our appetites. I allowed the sheets and nights air to imprison our passion for that moment only. The echo of nothingness and no further swallowed me whole.

The battle that is waging within me is truth, light and wholeness. I can’t survive as half of a person or half of me. Can’t sustain myself no longer; a flood of information afforded me that almost instant push and dive from my lover’s cliff. A suicide of the hearts mission, and so I marched forward and pushed away. No turning back they say.


Needing and wanting and defining the two