The Reality is...Close out to the 2012 Year

Looking back at the many moments and experiences I have been fortunate enough to go through, learn from and receive my message from; I can honestly say I am happy for each and every lesson and life point. I am not even hurt or stirred to the point of exhaustion by recapturing each moment, be it pleasant or hurtful. I have come to terms with those moments in my 2012 year and I am comfortable in providing the needed closure. I am ready to rewrite my story and claim it.

2012 HIGHLIGHTS

1.     Forgiveness:

“The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.”

           

I forgive myself. I was very hard and critical about my expectations and outcomes in my romantic life and dealings with romantic partners. I struggled to make the relationship soar to heights that it was never meant to dwell in. Suffering ensued and so my assumptions about relationships and learning to develop passionate and romantic feelings never took off. I did not trust or believe.

I forgive my lover for the experiences we did not share for one another. Unhealthy, unrealistic and absolutely no room for growth, TRANSITION and development; there was never a relationship to be had from these experiences. Two broken hearts looking for love with no expectations or any direct and distinct explanation of where we were going. Just existing was satisfactory enough to me, and all I thought I needed. My mind starved, my heart divided and my body could no longer take this experience anymore.

In order for me to forgive past digressions within my previous relationships, I needed to hate the person enough to finally let them go. For some reason I held on to you and the nonexistent us, because I thought it felt good, but all I felt was sadness for you and for myself, but in these feelings I became emotionally stunted and spiritually stagnant and knew that there was a better way than this, and in this I found forgiveness and forgive US.

TO FORGIVE IS TO BE COUREAGOUS! TO FORGIVE IS TO CREATE A CREATIVE CONSCIENCE.

SOMETHING SO HARD TO DO, BUT FREEING TO EXPERIENCE WHEN IT’S DONE

2.     Telling the absolute truth

a.     Regardless of how I assume others will receive me (Partnerships, friendships. Etc)

b.     Stating the facts

c.      Speaking the truth

d.     Asking for what I want

e.     Not accepting any less

It becomes harder each and every time to reveal you most inner and intimate self when you yourself can’t even identify or stand by what you are projecting. If we aren’t comfortable within our own body, then how are we supposed to create stable, meaningful relationships based on truth, communication and honest love?

WHO ARE YOU?

My name is Robyne and I am a writer, telling my story from the light taps of my keyboard to the online universe at large. Emotionally driven and determined to express and experience my best life yet, I am coming to terms with my life and making amends to rewrite wrongs and make a better life for myself. Emotionally enriched and spiritually uplifted.

3.    WE BECOME WHAT WE BELIEVE (PAST, CANCEL THIS OUT)

a.     Shrewd

b.     No one understands me

c.      Difficult to love

d.     Emotionally indifferent

4.    AT THIS VERY MOMENT, I HAVE BECOME

a.     Courageous

b.     Determined to tell the truth, live my best life yet

c.      Fortunate, emotionally present and happy

d.     Loving, passionate, emotionally available

I put out in the universe that I could never experience the ideal relationship ever because of what I had believed it didn’t exist and was almost fairytale. When selecting partners I began attracting what in essence was I was putting out in the universe. The attributes listed in the past section above could relate to each partner I had experienced on many levels. Intimate, platonic, semi-interested and so on. Endlessly the list began to grow and my mind and body tired of these emotional disconnections. I wanted to work with my partner and be able to transition into a relationship. Rather than face many issues and outcomes that left me literally lost for love and it’s essence…

What I know to be true is I had created this image of being this strong woman who was impenetrable. I had sustained myself thus far without the inconvenience of a man. I have avoided the errors of failed marriages and single mother hood, or so I had assumed. Thinking I was protecting my heart from failure literally opened the door to casualness and no expectations? The fear of being hurt was so prevalent I simply accepted anything other than the truth. I didn’t even see the turmoil my life and romantic life had become.

Knowing that I could no longer block my own feelings to suit the needs of another. I began making those changes!

I have literally become self-absorbed with feelings, and myself, which have allowed me to rekindle my very own relationship with myself. Broken hearted no more or accepting of just anything, I have found peace. I love myself and I love the person who I have become and gradually am growing into. I believe in me.

ACCEPTING AND RESPONDING to my life situations.

The reality of this blog entry was finally rewriting my story. Finally making amends to tell just exactly what I have been experiencing and going through, but the difference this time I am not living in the past. I am presently accepting my fate and making waves each and everyday.  I created my vision of success, now it’s time to continue to steadily walk the pathway to complete happiness.

2012 has afforded me the opportunity to live my best life and I am encouraged to continue the uphill movement that will no longer be a battle, but each moment a breakthrough. The closer I am to the source the constant and consistently complete I become.

‘There is no sin in failing, but the sin is in never trying”

Yesterday I Smiled Today I laughed and Tomorrow I will have arrived!

A little weekend trip away from New York City to Washington, DC was just the rejuvenation and steps needed in order to further finalize my hearts previous admissions. I had a lot of time to not only reevaluate my past couple of months and overall years high and low peaks, but the fact of the matter is I no longer need YOU.

Realizing that someone no longer serves a purpose in your life can be compared to a freeing sensation within yourself (ME). Every experience and moment shared with this someone becomes distant and faint. What stood out and mattered the most to you no longer holds you.

We choose to be happy. We choose to enjoy each and every experience with our significant others, but when did we choose inept solitude? Was it my choice to partially experience a relationship? Reaping on the limited benefits of an uncertain love...I was angered and disheartend all at once and so blinded by what I thought would be best for my heart.

I.Let.Go

Simply stated but reveling in my current reality.

12/24/2012

Friendship two way?

Closing out old chapters and welcoming in new interests and insight I decided that the best practice to enact is the act of forgiveness. The act to gather yourself and move forward, but as you are excelling forward you are already at such heights that coming back down no longer presents itself as an option.

You ever have a friend that became more than a friend to you? A friend who you could enjoy the friendship, alongside pseudo moments of a budding relationship? A friendship that really never had those clearly defined rules of engagement. A friendship that perhaps there was something there be it chemistry, be it excitement and everything that centered on a potential relationship, but the friendship just remained. Along these lines we have mutually made decisions and mistakes that continued to build the nonexistent relationship and uniquely defined friendship.

As time went by everything became blurry. The clearly undefined lines wanted to be recognized. These lines that permeated all types of passions, happenings and unrealistic wants and needs desired definitions. A friendship no longer wanted to be singular, but plural in regards to a joined relationship. I wanted to be WE and no longer US.

The effort we put into going out for the evening which spun into a romantic filled and passionate night lasted for just about 6 hours. The effort and time it takes to gather the energy to enjoy these moments would never propel our relationship any further. I clearly began to see that one heart beat for two.

Cutting you out of my life for a temporary reprieve allowed me to really gather my strength and know just exactly what I want and how I wanted it to be presented to me. Allowing a glimpse of you back into my life showed me just how much you valued our distance and space, and it led me back to where I needed to be…

GONE.

Finding ME....."Lesson Learned"

On the Airplane enroute to New Orleans

Mood: Emotional (slightly teary and sensitive) and good.

So today my emotions are all over the place. I cannot entirely base the feelings I am experiencing on one particular person, incident or situation. I can definitely blame the hormones for perhaps an increase in estrogen, but I am not entirely sold on blaming them.

So why am I on this flight? Why did I board this plane? Why? My fears and motivations and experiences to this date have been pretty interrupted and unexplained. However, how can I explain my current situation and now? How can I explain the moment in between?

What’s going on with my world and life now? Perhaps I can’t think about it just now. Perhaps I don’t have the desired answer(S) because I ABSOLUTELY can’t define my feelings and emotions in regards to our situation.

Yes we have a situation. My eyes began to tear just thinking about this muddled mess of a situation. I can’t define or underline an exact answer, and to this I ask myself yet again WHY can’t I?

I have no answers as of yet. I have no insight entirely, but what I can fall back on is that I am going to listen to my heart. Look entirely into the situation.

My fears of being unhappy and unsatisfied and lastly disappointed overwhelms me at times, but what I do know is that life and love is unlimited and so are experiences with others. I am not destined to one opportunity and situation. I am no longer limited to one heart palpitation, but I can enjoy the flutter of multiple interest and love experiences. My journey is to experience. My resolve is to know. My destination is to move forward and continually progress and lastly my life is to be experienced!

Sunday

Mood: Restive and ready to be back home

I had expectations. I had ideas of possibly something blossoming from nothing. I even had ideas of just maybe everything being ok and perhaps this being the movement I needed.

Monday

Mood: Fortunate and blessed for life

I can reject you. I can absolutely uncoil myself from you. I can reject you. My body is absolutely a telling defining amazing life fixture. I never truly appreciated my individual self until now. I always held the fear of acknowledging and giving life to the words “Control” or absolutely being in control of myself, however, my body has taken control over my emotional self and defined my journey for me. Always heralding the news that your mind, body and soul were all three different entities residing in one vessel, and vying for individual attention(s) each moment of my life, but in this very moment I felt a uniformed connection.

All centered and in agreement on my overall happiness, my body literally rejected you. Physical and carnal nature and needs will always get met, but the binding emotional connector and tying heart strings would no longer develop on demand anymore, or even pretend to be satisfied in a hostile and unstable loveless environment. The days of being idly pleased and longing for more are over.

My overall time spent with you was nothing that I had imagined or planned. I actually hoped that the renewed sparks of interest would be there. I was hoping that we would recapture that spark we had in Miami, Florida. That dream like vacation was more than enough to hope for more from me, from you and from us, but it was never meant to be. There was always this pull, this wall this sense of entrapment, loneliness and unhappiness. I have no idea who was holding in more, you, or me but what I do know now is that I let go. This final meeting meant everything to me. It helped me conclude my feelings and finally let it go and release my true wants and needs into the universe, and it was not meant to be with you.

The Crescent City wasn’t experienced as I had hoped it to be. My visit to Baton Rouge had its interesting and entertaining moments, but all in all it was listless.

Good Bye Lover and friend. Our time is definitely over.

Making room for life improvements and true admissions of love. Making room for actually accepting the transitions and changes. Understanding what I value and truly want in a lover, friend, significant other and ideally life companion. I finally know what’s good for me. Blessed with the intuition of experiencing life. 

In the Night the truth sets US free!

11:59 pm Sunday Dusk
 Having had a lot of time to sort out reality from fantasy I really began to see the dream like state I, You and "We" had created. Sleep pattern on non compliant. Mindset on forget you not. Emotional heart tugging and banging to be loved only by you and stiffling outside competition easily. My mind should be silenced and at ease, but it's racing and thinking about you. Only you.

12:00 AM Monday
When I need you the most you are never to be found. Be it your work schedule, home life and family schedule, social schedule, sporting schedule or individual time schedule; you remain never to be found when I call, text, conjure up an erotic thought as detailed as ever, and designed to be demonstrated only in the midst of you, yet again your schedule remains conflicting with mine and your time is compromised, but again you send me messages awaking my inner needs. Knowing that my needs wont get met on my suggested time schedule, but only whenever I am adhering to your schedule.

1:00 AM Monday Morning
I am awoken by text messages, Two incoming messages are from the males I have set aside all because of the intense emotional connection I assumed I have had and held with you and you only. I don't even know why I am thinking of such a heavy conversation during the wee hours of the morning. Sleep deprived, heart starved and definitely hollowed on the inside. What I need the most now is a reassuring embrace, kiss to the back of my neck and an arm laying limp ontop of me, but what I have right now is an empty bed space filled by stand in pillows who are illuding to a prescence that will never be there.

2:00 AM Monday

Tossing and turning and wondering why exactly do I continue to think about someone who I know for sure isn't thinking or wondering entirely about my feelings, my day and overall experience. I am literally losing sleep, because I will not release him from my mind and heart, so what do I do now? Staring straight up at my ceiling and laying limply in the middle of my bed I just pray. I ask for guidiance and the releasing of my love for him from my heart. I don't hate or habour any intimate or feelings against him, but to release all the energies associated with him.


The time we take to release other's from our heart's seeps into our lives and surrounds us with hurting feelings. The slights and the pain and the pardoned passion overwhelms us. I awoke this morning thankful to see another blessing of a day and to breathe continued life into my lungs. I played the game with him too many times, and I allowed myself to be a victim under my own guise. So I am allowing myself to walk freely. Freely from pain, hurt and mishaps and move right on along!

The Heart's Desire Speaks

So I had the talk of all talk's with a dear relative whose opinion I value and treasure dearly. The talk allowed me to realize that I am allowing my negative thoughts on relationships and love and the possibility of extending a friendship into a long term partnership to be deflated and almost defeated. I allowed past reactions and responses to underline my hearts want(s) and need(s). So what this intensive talk allowed pretty much underlined for me not fearing so much, letting go assumtions and doubt and simply exploring and experiencing the "what if".

So it's time for a negotiating lunch with him. It's time to lay everything onto the table replicating the menu and go over all three courses of the heart. Lastly, finishing up this romantic meal with a sweet taste of definition. Defined as so: We are to realize where we are exactly at during our relationship, and where exactly we are attempting to go and head. The future can not be clearly defined, but little dents can be made into the nudging of the paths to make it happen.

Looking forward to this moment. Finally making amends to actually see this meeting through. It took a mending of a troubled heart, stitching of a tattered soul and a linkage of my mind, body and soul.

Looking forward to finally letting the air of uncertainty out of my lung(s).

A union of the mind and a matching of a shared heart.

Each time I close my eyes and think of you I am saddened. So as I open my eyes to new opportunities and venture out to exploring my reasons for emotional intimacy and disconnected feelings and why I am seeing my own personal decline in this area, I can not and will not blame you any longer. I have nutured these supressed feelings for way too long, and I have gathered more than enough personal and educational experience to know that our time has passed.

A dear friend asked me "Why do you fear love? Why do you fear intimacy and that special connection with a significant other? I really couldnt formulate an answer. I actually had to stop and think about the situation at hand. I want love. I think and believe I could handle a supportive and centered loving relationship, but when love is placed before me; I turn coat and run? How could this be? Or perhaps my dating rap sheet at best explains it all......questionable at best and undeniably looking for love in all the wrong places would read the first, middle and last pages. I can raise my hand and admit to dating people who were unattainable in all areas that mattered the most (Mind, Body and Spirit). Eveything appeared off at times, but then again there was something in myself that pushed me to delve further and venture out. Never entirely closing the door on love and those endless possibilities. So with optimism and continued slights in the love department, reality started seeping in, and within my reality I found a few truths.

So this blog entry is affirmation. To my relationships, partnerships and lovingships I expect MORE from my love(r). No longer being dismissive and unsure about love, dating and the transitioned relationship to be formed. A union of the mind and a matching of a shared heart. That is what I long for.

So Be It......

Heart's a Mess.....

How do you get over someone who you love with someone you like? How do you possibly let go of his mental image and physical connection to you with someone you lust after? Is lust stronger than love?

Having had time to part myself away from the one whom I admired for about a week and half, I ventured into a pseudo romanticized happening. I call it a happening because it literally just happened. Intially me and my new interest was supposed to go out to dinner, however, work schedules and no replies turned into a moody and annoyed me. I decided to go into ignore mode and figure out the rest of my days plans, until Mr. Lust called and inquired as to why was out plans changed? So I gave Mr. Lust a chance and decided to meet him for dinner and conversations and boy was my night highly favored and enjoyed.

I have not enjoyed the company of a man for the duration of the entire night until the wee hours without any sexual content and intimacy levels experienced for a really long time, perhaps I could recall this experience back in my pre adolescent and teenage days, but as a woman with womanly needs and no apparent ties to anyone, even the one whom I love; I decided to venture out and experience this night. Endless conversation and simple gestures of calming intimacy to simple pleasures meant not to entice any further oddly satisifed me. Knowing that after hours and within the company of a handsome male your body would probably be liable to engage in just about any and everything, especially when your emotional connections to your loved one is disconnected and you are left vulnerable and waiting for answers that will never be answered from you or him.......but this enticement was blissful and pure with distant promises of more.

So the 24 plus hours spent with Mr Lust literally left me battery charged and aiming for him more and more, but the depth and intensity of my deprivation startled him some. I kind of fell back a bit, wishing that perhaps I wasn't so love wounded and sore for mistreatment from the one I loved. So I fell back in another ball of confusion.

Mr. Love contacts me and reports to me that perhaps I was being non responsive and not communicating that is why he responded and replied to me as such. Did I by the bull shit? Absolutely! We are wounded hearts who respond to love and the ones we love in such a way that begs anyone seeks attentions and affections and love to differ. How could I forget my love on a simple weekend of lusty tendencies?

I question myself......How deep is my love?

Content in you "Our" world.

How can you skate through a relationship without even acknowledging it's existence? Passing by a stranger in the street there is of course no formal connection, but passing by your lover, the one you idolize in your most passionate and dearest way; how could that be and how could that even occur? So I sit here thinking about our time we experienced. I think about the jist of the arguments and the moments in time when we go a week or two weeks without even speaking to one another. The build up before the pressure center erupts can all be centered to our issue at hand. The connection, the love, the relationship skirmish by dodging the reality of it all....We love each other. We would not mind being with each other and experiencing one another, but leaving the relationship, experiencing the break up's and perhaps becoming estranged is too unbearable. So we choose to be safe and enjoy our life and experiences amongst ourseleves, but with no definitive ties.

In my most current now I really love and enjoy you. In my most current now I really appreciate the fact that our relationship continues to shed light on a lot of emotions and feelings I am currently battling with. In my most current now, I appreciate the fact that I have to allow life to settle, emotions to play their parts and for love to prevail and our reality to resume it's position and place in our life.


I am learning to embrace love.
I am learning to embrace the reality of having a relationship.
I am learning to fail in love.
I am learning to truly be in the moment, and not in the flow of love.
I am trusting.
I have faith.

I will allow you in.

Like WateR

Your intentions speak highly of your actions and just exactly how you were going to handle and deal with a particular situation. His intentions was to remain as we were. Two adults physically attracted to one another on so many sexual levels and comfort zones. Two aching adults emotionally intuned, but tuned out towards each other's individual needs. Two adults with seemingly similar wants and interest, but when looked upon each other's needs, passions and desires the disconnect continues to push us further away.

I can not tell you how many times I said I was going to pull myself through these emotional slumps. The little glimpse of hope, development and further progression of us set my heart and mind afire. I pretty much began hoping the fantasies and thoughts of you and us could further spill fourth and come to fruition. I laugh at this now, because in reality my fantasy you was someone beyond you. My fantasy you was everything I sought for you, for us and for the building of our relationship. I realized that you weren't ever going to change or transition into this man whom I dreamed about day in and out. I realized that perhaps you were something to stir and ignite a spark into my romantic depths and passions.

In this life time I have come to terms with the fact that we will fall madly and deeply in love with multiple people. We may even idolize and have severe puppy love for each other. Human attraction alongside wanting and needing can never be questioned or doubted in regards to it's intensity. With that realiztion I also came to understand my own personal battles with wanting so intensly. Just because we have cupid eyes or see birds of love flying across our heads does not negate the fact that it just might be experienced, expressed and felt and in passing. It's ok to love and to experience love, but love is as water; fluid and ever flowing and ever changing. At times you (WE) need to all let love go in order to recieve and accept a consistent and constant love. The love I am describing for the males that have entered my life was ever moving, flowing and efficient to an extent of the time experienced with them. This love needed to be let go, and for that I welcome the outwardly flow of loving emotions and affections associated with my past. As in relinquishing a title, I reclaim my heart to it's present and most current needs. Gracing me with the presence of continued blessings and life long lessons. I grant serenity to my ailing heart.

Bad habits....

Whenever I am going through something or experiencing a change in my life I look towards all my safety net bad habits that sustained me and kept me afloat. That means contacting ex's whom I hardly missed or even had a second thought about how they are doing and the occurrences in their lives. Or perhaps we delve into the comfortable patterns of sloth and laziness and over indulgence. Yes, I could say that for the past week and a half I pretty much wasn't getting the exact reactions and responses from a lover that I wanted. It felt so easy to entertain negative and toxic responses. Texting so in so whom you don't like, but you enjoy the eagerness and prompt text responses from them. Hanging out with so in so because they indulge in ego inflation and over impressing causing you to take control and advantage of that situation and choose to your liking how you would like to see the date and night end, but when all is left and done and said and completed you are left alone with your thoughts and constant imagination. Overreactive.....I doubt it, but a burgeoning battle needing constant guidiance, self check in's and accountability.

Being the best and most responsible adult as possible is a hardship, but a fight worth going to war over. Maturity and life values and sentiments expressed and experienced about the right of adulthood and the hat you must wear each year as your self mission and values transition and change with acceptance of life happenings.

I realized that communication remains the key, and in regards to someone I want and feel most strongly about I was lacking in the area I pretty much feel I have excelled at in every other aspect of my life.

If he bothers me I understand and know that something I heard and allowed to sink into myself was something that I took on to experience and feel, so my outward reaction and response should not be in contempt of his response, but what should follow is a series of questions that you inquire openly about because you are interested in knowing how to either agree to disagree or mutually agree to come to some sort of understanding. You aren't alone in feelings and emotions being expressed, and you are definitely not only in your reactions and responses to another. Be it a relationship, family relationship and friendship communication remains the key. Why react negatively when you can clear your system and the air and understand the challenge and situation at hand? I'd rather reslove and issue with you, rather than hurt, take it out on  my past or make another "night mistake" with another.

Your value and my accountability is walking hand in hand.

Freely and Intelligently guiding love.

When everything appears to have been rejuvenated and looking fresh as the clearest streams, I then become patient and await the downfall of misunderstandings, disappointments and that ever to present feeling of something feeling too good to be truly present in my most current and inner needs of life. So going from a flighty high point and moment to an utter stillness to await the draft of deception, short-lived and forget about its I then became aware of me like quite no other self-assessment and life check in point.



I became aware of toxic thoughts and negative connotations associated with my mindset on my own personal battles with love and my thoughts on love and how I received and wanted to receive love within my life. I then began to let out all the pinned up disappointed air and faced myself and my feelings at hand. Yes I had fallen in love with someone. Yes I continued to admire and love them from afar and within kissing distance. I did not attempt to express myself as openly as possible within the realms of our budding friendship. I also did not understand nor respect my friend/lover/partners relationship and romantic woes as well. For our pinup and hold outs with love resembled each other. Instead of focusing on two human beings with a mutual and physical affinity for one another I became bitter and instantly angered at why things wasn’t occurring according to how I envisioned saw best. Why couldn’t he feel as I feel? Or emotionally express and open himself up as I do and did many times (or so I thought)?



I let go of hard feelings. I let go of difficult thoughts that kept me paralyzed to my own life and development. Having loved before, I knew I would love again, but this time with no expectations or downfalls or toxic thoughts to batter me about.



Freely, openly and intelligently I am gracefully guiding my heart in.

Time and Space and that IN BETWEEN love.

That underlying passion remains with us with you and within me. I realized just how deep my love and passion as well as desire’s are for you. All I can say is that the smell of newly interested eyes on my prize has left me. Literally you have my eyes wide open, knees knotted at the middle and in anticipation of your entry stance only.

Your smell and scent remains as an intoxicant for me. I become heady and high off of you and only you. When others attempt to impede on my grounded solace, all it takes is a call, text or link up with you. In your presence I ease in cat stance and await your fingers to glide down my back to my lower back to my all the way back.

Last night was experienced like no other. I think we not only bonded more, but I trusted you and you trusted me and we embarked on a lovers nest entwined with erotic riddum’s of past and present. My muscles eased and relaxed under your weight and stone like stance. I beckoned you deeper and closer inside of me. We fit, we meshed, and we molded and lost all control. Spent and energy easily taken from us. At that very moment your being and our intimacy mattered the most to me.

Each time I have my AHA moment it appears to occur when something physically is upset within my deeps depths of my soul’s existence. Last night I realized the significance of needing and wanting and desiring a true encounter. Not allowing passion and lust to overrule one’s souls dance with their soul lover.

Time has balanced and parted us, but we have remained as so. I ask why that is so, many times, but this time I don’t ask. I don’t even wonder. I just seek the passion and pleasure you provided me. This wasn’t a limited experienced, it was a lasting impression of our souls kissing and connecting. As I looked at you behind me, placing yourself and girth on top and within me, our eyes connected, our blood began to heat further on up. As our hearts raised and eyes glided over our sweating bodies, I continued to stare at you. The man whom I love instead of mouthing it, I released it as an erotic declaration and calling of my body unto yours. “Fuck me harder”.

Nothing like you.....Can't settle.

I wonder what more could I do for you to simply see my emotional state and feelings in regards to you? I wonder if I needed to photograph another appealing image, sealing my pictured self to you. I wonder how many times and moments, in which, I would have to settle for my less than desired male interest, because I am in need of filling my emotional voids in absence of you. I tire of them, when in fact all I want and need is you. From their kisses to cold touches my body mechanically responds, but with you I instantly bloom and become dewy and warm and filled of sweet and erotic honey. Yes, with you and your gentle to erotically rough touches my body and mind instantly connect and remain at full ease and attention, because of you.

The mixture of ones masculine and sexually permeated pheromone enhanced smells of a small-enclosed room stirs me to my most peaked arousal state. There is nothing like your sweat and cologne and the sweet taste of your aroused skin I quickly lean into taste touch and mold into my very own need(s).

Second and third best is never an option. To exist just to exist is never an option. No amount of kisses, caresses and body eroticism designed to engage my attention to them and their defining moment, but my mind and body are held at attention and not to their allegiance, but awaiting and wanting you.

I will wait. I can wait. In fact I don’t mind finding pleasure within myself rather than seeking out another, because in the end all that matters is you pressing into and onto me. Guiding my hands to your handsomely dimpled face to chinky eyes and sexy beard. The rustle of your chin hairs onto my skins brings fourth goose bumps. You stir me.

Why is this I question and ask? Attempting to forget you has paralyzed my progressive forwardness. Why is this again I ask? So do I only dream of you, or entertain you in the only limited capacity I have held and had you in? How can I survive this and in such doses?

The dilemma of the sexualized body and mind fixated on one who can only be held and had in situational occurrences. Such temptations and likelihood is best left alone, but to this I answer No. Can’t live with or without you. For this is truth. 

To Fuck.....No chaser

Ever had the urge to just simply FUCK? F…U….C…K.. On demand is what I want of you. There is simply something about you that gently pulls my attention entirely and directly to you. I didn’t even want to know your last name, although my caller ID betrayed you. Check it; I didn’t even want to know your entire name. All I wanted from you and with you was your stance hovering over me waiting to dive inside of me.


I was laying in my bed and during this hot summer’s night my fan wasn’t oscillating to my body temp dire need, so I began to undress myself. My eyes were closed and my lips were suddenly swollen. My socks were bothering me so off they came first. Left to only a tee shirt, bra and panties I decided which item to minimize first. Slowly sliding my hands to my waist I held myself. The feminine indent of one’s tummy to navel, to the warm skin and slide of a curvaceous waist beckoned me to delve deeper. Never having before appreciated my pronounced and at times damnably womanly features until this very night set more ablaze and afire within me. Like honey to a sweet sickened tongue I was painfully turned on. A little push of my hands further and I would be cupping the heat and wet warmth of my desires. What drove me to utter intimate appeal…surely I could answer that as readily and passionately as never before.

The mysteries of faith have swallowed and at times lead some people to their destinations and spiritual travels, but the mystery of attraction and appeal has held no ground or actual laws. The mystery of intimacy is almost started once the moment is enacted. There is nothing to guide or lead you to it, it hones in on you and once in its embrace you are spiraled into obsession of the need. I believe when I saw him I was aroused to the highest personal intimate level. As a heart beating in unison with your spiritual time clock, my feminine spot beat a wildly rhythmic beat of need, want and the tale tell story of desire and passion. The age old story of conquering and being conquered and devouring one another in sexual bliss was never a tall tale but the humanistic fate of the outcomes of desire.

So I touched and teased and tasted and pleased. Thinking of you and how you would make me feel. I almost slipped and called you. I almost slipped and requested your night company. In preparation of my sensual demise I planned to lick your navel to chest to chin and side of your face. To hold both of your arms above your head enacting the pendulum of breasts, and their desired fate. To be licked and pleased and teased and passionately bitten until my knees began to bend then buckle. My hands would betray your arms and I would be left pleasurably unguarded from your masculinity. You would lift me up and pin me on my back and go from my navel to clit to left leg to calf. Oh the agony.

I haven’t even pulled my shirt over my head yet or took off my bra. Wet and out of breath and panting for that intense daydream.

Ever want to be fucked? Dream more.

Reality of it all

Having been afforded the opportunity to travel aboard for the last two weeks of my 2012 Summer has not only opened my eyes and broadened my horizons, but I have been able to see the compassion and genuine spirits of others that has touched and opened my heart to much more. The more that I am talking about is the more a human spirit offers another in kindness and sincerity. The more I am talking about escapes general expectations and wants after the initial questioning or presenting of a favor or a desire to experience something. What is then put in place is the honest and openness of compassion, care and consideration for one another that ties into my long term wants ideals, needs and goals.


We will always desire to seek another who will fill us up completely and take us away. We will fall in love and romanticize with figments of our imaginations that have left us completely in want of more. Seducing our minds is an easy task, but prepping and placing promising and completed intimate details as intricate as possible is not easily experienced. Limiting your mind and self to what you assume to be the only thing that stirs you right then and there becomes the death of you.

Like the Phoenix your travels and destinations and detours will all tie into your long term ideals and wants. With death and acceptance of past behaviors comes the entrance of newly found and easily adjusted likes and desires which birth passion and a rise of self.

In this time away I took advantage of not wanting you. I took advantage of cleansing myself and soul of your memory and it felt damned good. I looked into my uncharted destiny and future and welcomed changes and transitions. Coming from someone who deems themselves all over the place and an emotional ball of change and transition on the daily. I finally felt consistently free and a sense of a start of emotional stability. How freeing a new destination sets the stage and tone for one’s mind.

Just a little Crush!

The excitement of a mutual interest has taken my utter attention and breath at this very moment. Typing with a new found sense of interest and excitement beyond the melancholic lessons learned, which recently has been dually noted, but what I simply just stated to myself is…..CAN MY HEART LIVE!!!


YES IT CAN!

What makes up the laws of attraction? How are we to respond to someone who easily gathers our interest and piques the very things that move and stir’s us? To simply answer this question I would start with the stir of genuine and mutual interest. At times I have become accustomed to the clumsy half starts and complete stops of wanting to figure each other out intensely and get to know one another. What has become a common factor and finding in my most recent and previous romantic relationships, I have found that this bumpy ride never really suited me. I live and breathed continuous flow. Like a faucet being turned on for the first time and wetting the pipes it flowed through. The thirst for a connection has suited me almost to the point of obsession, which in its own right when cast in large amounts of brain space can leave you spiraling to find sanity and normalcy once again.

So what has lifted me so? The freeing of a former on and off relationship that had pretty much held me self-captured and captivated, being the only one drawing true life and blood into the relationship. Realizing this fact almost took the breath away from my lungs. Having to slide down my bedroom wall and not scream out loud or burst into continuous tears of being at the very place I vowed not to re-visit, but I was there and this time being felt and experienced was nothing like the last times.

When your mind and heart are in agreement and your body and spirit no longer bears witness to the pain you have that moment in time when you are entirely free. A settled state overcomes you and the reality of which you have ventured into, lived through and experienced no longer is relevant.

So breathing and daring to love and be romanticized and taken utterly serious has become my mission. The journal entries of before and within the past two and a half years of blogging have proven my battles with love and learning to love and be in love. The journey and self-discovery of personal needs and wants and hearts desires were no longer out of reach.

So it starts with a crush. I haven’t felt this buzz and this relaxing state in such a long time. I am actively entertaining dates with not the idea of securing a partner for the night or long term lasting relationship. I am seeking companionship and comfort. I am learning how to date and learning how to enjoy one’s company and start from the very start to the last ending. It’s like starting from the barest bottom and rising to the top. I’m ready!