Finding ME....."Lesson Learned"



On the Airplane enroute to New Orleans
Mood: Emotional (slightly teary and sensitive) and good.

So today my emotions are all over the place. I cannot entirely base the feelings I am experiencing on one particular person, incident or situation. I can definitely blame the hormones for perhaps an increase in estrogen, but I am not entirely sold on blaming them.

So why am I on this flight? Why did I board this plane? Why? My fears and motivations and experiences to this date have been pretty interrupted and unexplained. However, how can I explain my current situation and now? How can I explain the moment in between?

What’s going on with my world and life now? Perhaps I can’t think about it just now. Perhaps I don’t have the desired answer(S) because I ABSOLUTELY can’t define my feelings and emotions in regards to our situation.

Yes we have a situation. My eyes began to tear just thinking about this muddled mess of a situation. I can’t define or underline an exact answer, and to this I ask myself yet again WHY can’t I?

I have no answers as of yet. I have no insight entirely, but what I can fall back on is that I am going to listen to my heart. Look entirely into the situation.

My fears of being unhappy and unsatisfied and lastly disappointed overwhelms me at times, but what I do know is that life and love is unlimited and so are experiences with others. I am not destined to one opportunity and situation. I am no longer limited to one heart palpitation, but I can enjoy the flutter of multiple interest and love experiences. My journey is to experience. My resolve is to know. My destination is to move forward and continually progress and lastly my life is to be experienced!

Sunday
Mood: Restive and ready to be back home

I had expectations. I had ideas of possibly something blossoming from nothing. I even had ideas of just maybe everything being ok and perhaps this being the movement I needed.

Monday
Mood: Fortunate and blessed for life

I can reject you. I can absolutely uncoil myself from you. I can reject you. My body is absolutely a telling defining amazing life fixture. I never truly appreciated my individual self until now. I always held the fear of acknowledging and giving life to the words “Control” or absolutely being in control of myself, however, my body has taken control over my emotional self and defined my journey for me. Always heralding the news that your mind, body and soul were all three different entities residing in one vessel, and vying for individual attention(s) each moment of my life, but in this very moment I felt a uniformed connection.

All centered and in agreement on my overall happiness, my body literally rejected you. Physical and carnal nature and needs will always get met, but the binding emotional connector and tying heart strings would no longer develop on demand anymore, or even pretend to be satisfied in a hostile and unstable loveless environment. The days of being idly pleased and longing for more are over.

My overall time spent with you was nothing that I had imagined or planned. I actually hoped that the renewed sparks of interest would be there. I was hoping that we would recapture that spark we had in Miami, Florida. That dream like vacation was more than enough to hope for more from me, from you and from us, but it was never meant to be. There was always this pull, this wall this sense of entrapment, loneliness and unhappiness. I have no idea who was holding in more, you, or me but what I do know now is that I let go. This final meeting meant everything to me. It helped me conclude my feelings and finally let it go and release my true wants and needs into the universe, and it was not meant to be with you.

The Crescent City wasn’t experienced as I had hoped it to be. My visit to Baton Rouge had its interesting and entertaining moments, but all in all it was listless.
Good Bye Lover and friend. Our time is definitely over.

Making room for life improvements and true admissions of love. Making room for actually accepting the transitions and changes. Understanding what I value and truly want in a lover, friend, significant other and ideally life companion. I finally know what’s good for me. Blessed with the intuition of experiencing life. 

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