A new found passion and life mission.

If you could foresee your future in times of uncertainty, would you want to know? I have always held a sense of impatience with simply just waiting around for life to just happen. Although I am aware that we put in the necessary legwork in general to get the wheels turning, but really who has time for that in a day and age of instant gratification and appeasement? Well apparently I have the awareness within and the gathered patience that rendered my 2013-year full of surprises and long-term transitions. 2013 appeared to be the year of self-recognition. The mistakes from past have all healed and bought to form a recognizable difference within me. I cannot force life to undo itself or reveal its intentions. I have made amends with the power of words and my usage of it. Having determined that faith and guidance was no longer a spiritual reference, but something in life that always occurred even when unknown. The inevitability of life escaping right before my eyes within the tight grasp of clenched fists presented itself in 2012. I promised myself that not only would I claim the incoming New Year, but also I would finally seek the solace and contentment I know I could achieve and maintain. The discontentment with just simply existing and being with new found dating partners, and on/off again lover(s) didn't matter to me any more. A self-cleanse not only from the carnal needs of physical intimacy, but the discipline to recognize the blunders and the bullshit and fairytale endings kept me afloat. I was no longer in Wonderland...I had just arrived. A singular lesson of having held my own for so long, to then restart something so unfamiliar to me almost put me in a tailspin emotionally. My 2013 start and finish were quiet and appeared to have stabilized throughout the mishaps and life bumps. Oddly enough, I continued to hear a calm "This situation could be worse; there is hope within the hopeless". Swallowing my pride I allowed myself to retreat and lay still within the oncoming seasons that would creep in and challenge my sensibilities. For within my doubt stood fear and within my fear I remained tall. Unaltered passion and basic chemistry revved up my summer and allowed my inner most fantasies to peak. During this time I believe my body experienced an almost shock to its system. There was a time when my passion wavered between several interests, feminine to masculine as it ebbed and flowed. My attention span was limited at the time and my want(s) rippled like a rock dropped into a pond. The waves peaked and then settled all at once. A life challenge and transformation centered my heart, but it remained unsettled and beat rampantly. Yet again I was placed into another life altering situation that altered my ever-changing moods. I remained unsettled and at times at odd within myself, but I continued to learn life and the appreciation of the life I was living. In 2012 a mind-altering relationship not only centered me, but also stilled me. I ushered in 2013 with a newfound interest, and taste of life. Hobbies turned into life passions, dreams turned into destined happenings and no longer appeared as chance encounters. The way I viewed life and how I was conducting my very own existence mattered to me. I guess the moment I started documenting my passionate and at times love ridden experiences, I began freeing up time and space and most importantly my heart. As I bring this year to a close, I can’t help but pay homage with grace to all of the moments within this year that had built up to this blog entry. I have become stilled within. Faced to listen, seek and search for more than just the surface of life. My enjoyment, my adventure and pleasure based interactions and experiences that bring joy and happiness to my life have all come from a deep-seated need to remain in control of my life. At one time I thought control was a strong word, but it is actually a guiding tone setter to draw inner strength and experience from each and every moment I breathe. From taking within, I have been afforded the ability to give so much more. I am no longer limited in my interactions and experiences, and although I may stumble and fall, I will rise to the occasion. Never toppling too far and never venturing away. Welcoming 2014 and all of its new experiences and self-explorations, my mind has strengthened and its capacity has increased. Happy New Year

Cheers to the past, hello to my present and I await you future.

If only I had truly listened to you. I listened over you. I listened through you, but I never gravitated to entirely hearing you. I never understood the depth of your deception. I never realized just how much your needs outweighed my very own. In my hopes that you wanted me, I was stuck in a naive dream and in this dream you countered everything I saw of you. I saw your selfish ways, I saw your stubborness and your ability to entirely take control of my conversation and very own thoughts. I was willed to want you from a sense of self depricating life lessons, that was unwillingly learned and taught. Now I have found the time to really appreciate what and whom matters to me the most. A lover who absolutely is into me. Into me in a sense of making sure that I am ok, I exist and that I am healthy and truly stable within my day. A lover who sincerely wants to create life with me, and build around me. A restored fortress of two lost souls looking to submerge in unity of a newfound day and hope! I truly learned to cherish my love when I had a nostaligic moment and conversation with a former piece that not longer built the puzzle. A simple gesture of gratitude and friendship would have sufficed, but the ability to see nothing further in me then a physical feature and attribute no longer defined me. I realized the depths of love and the determination of ME. I realized that in passing some moments were never to be captured again and that they served their purpose in the past. My past would never define my future, and I would be free from any anxiety and self inflicted doubt any longer. When you see the ones who hold you close, in comparison to the ones that want to take everything from you, you then realize a mutual love is an earned and respected love and for which I no longer love, respect or want you. Salutations to CHRISTMAS PASS

In my own WORLD

Although I walk to the beat of my own drum, it continues to sample your rhythmic hues! I can absolutely say that my weekend was best expressed and summed up in the nook of his arms. Yes, I absolutely enjoyed him nestled behind me and curling deep within me. It was like breathing and drinking deeply at the same time. Hard to do, but even harder to experience, so when you have the opportune time and moment to remain clasped to your lover I would definitely say take advantage of it! As the New Year slowly start to echo it's arrival to me, I have become captivated by the middle and ending of my 2013 year. The monotonus moments, endless mood swings and the tremendous changes in my thoughts and outlook. Although I have written numerous blogs and provided serious counseling sessions in the relationship and romance and dating departments at that time in my life I still hadn't capitilized on my own individual journey. I have struggled with being extremely imperfect in an imperfect world and within my relationship. Comparison is the devil and the blue dress spotted on it was my distant and pulling memories. Although nostaligia is a wonderful experience and feeling to have vying for your eternal attentions, it's the slow killer. So what does one do when memory no long serves it's purpose and distant memories are the EVILs of it all...Hard enough question to fathom and even harder answer to come fourth with, but what was suspending me in stagnation and in an almost lovers duel with myself was simply my expectations of it all. I had thoughts about things I probably wont experience with my current lover, because it serves no purpose for me. I battled myself for creating my self imposed walls, but I was unwilling to break them down and so my year started with a wave of emotions and relationships that was surface only and not lasting. A mist of emptiness foamed my mouth and numbed my mind, but yet the actuality of reaching this point was exactly where I needed to be. I needed all of those moments that never really mattered to me then matter to me now. The heartfelt teary eyed breakup's and the what if conversations and why me and why not me...yes I needed them all. All of the hollowed feelings allowed me to step comfortably into my confusion and build from within. Deeply am I rooted in experiening my life.