Entertaining my reality.....

I could simply go with your flow and forget all assumed life plans and options and just be as one with you.....I could awake with no cares, no love lost or a cost to my condition I imposed on myself. I wouldn't even question or consider my drastic reality check and life choice. I would do, and be....

What a dream! As I awoke from this Zombie like life state, I only imagined just how and why I came to that reality and life answer. All I could think about was simplifying my life, and taking a short cut. Life has truly been amazing and a blessing for me, but it has been anything but easy. Yes, I live a good life, been through tumultuous and at times heart breaking changes. You tire of being Macguyver 24/7 and you yearn for consistent stability. Life has afforded me several options, all with no life raft or seat belt, and as I venture forward to investigate each offering, I am parachuted to the next bumpy ride. No matter how amazing and awesome the experience, I have come out of each and everyone with a life scar. Just thinking about the experiences brings a tear to my eyes and a release of tension and strain, but with each consuming Passion I am brought center first. I would not change any experience, and I Damn sure just don't want to settle for anything and anyone. When I start entertaining these ideas, my oneness with my mind, body and soul continue to tell me to refrain from sporadic jumps and patiently await a life sequence and surprise. There is more lessons to be learned, many doors to open, people to recognize and places to recall and remember. I know me, and I know somewhat of where I am headed and going. I trust and respect my intuition. Hmmmm...maturity message!

So to be is to be, to learn is to openly recieve and entertain life's possibilities! I welcome it. I infact want it.

I believe.....

In just a span of two weeks life literally changed before my eyes. I was stressed and strained, broken down and broken hearted. Lonely at nights and in a dazed stance during the days. Wishing as always that my dreams would come true. A lover to come home to, a creative and productive career to awake to and in the middle and mean time red faced, loud and cackling children to cherish and share my life with. Oh how I believed this life was meant for me. The life to love and live and set me free. Feelings of a self imposed zombie state has forced me to deny my reality. Altruistic tendencies has further drawn me away. I can not see, hear or think straight. Everything bothers me or troubles me, relationships once loved are lost all over again......what am I to believe anymore?

All I could think of in times of my distress were lyrics from a Jay-Z song "And they pray and pray on my downfall....." Each word echoed volumes and reaonated deep inside. Something I so desparately sought was so long lost and gone from me. My faith and belief in self was no longer steadfast and important to me. I lost Myself.....

But in each lost step I woven a new way. I began feeling, touching and seeking and believing. Life and each troubled memory began meaning many things to me. I prayed more than ever and as openly honest as possible. With each understanding and amazing night and day I began growing tall and stronger and believing in me.

Never lost, always found. Faith has progressively saved me, and for that feat I am blessed.

In change comes answers.....

I am learning a lot about myself. With your back against the wall your mind and visual length expands. I am seeing that although I have enjoyed my solitude time, my career endeavours and the times well spent with family and friends; I still feel a sense of loneliness. Those gloomy nights when nothing can be read, viewed on TV or overly prayed upon to calm your nerves. The longing and need for your paramours touch trumps all previously addressed and spoken about.
It's winter and I'm cold. My heart is frozen amongst many warming hands, or potential romantically peaked interests who assume they have the key to melting an embedded frozen heart. Do I stab them with an eerily cold embrace, or do I await the tingling pricking sensation of being awoken again?
Is all lifes problems resloved with a flippant attitude? How am I escaping this situation? Does my great deceptive tactics go hand in hand with my need to be free, or do I finally have my moment where there is nothing behind me or facing me......I must trust and believe that everything will be ok again?
Mentally drained and romantically isolated.

Save me.....

The walls up high.

There is a barrier that surrounds me. It's impenetrable, its impossible to bypass. It remain illusive to all, but once tapped into it becomes the pink elephant in a white walled washed room. Me shallow? Me timid? Two distincts but ever so distant descriptions of me. You wonder why I am the way I am? You wonder why I love so openly, but close down my heart and all feelings and emotions associated with my heart so tightly?

Will you ever know why I hurt so? Will I even allow you a chance to get to know me truly, madly and deeply? I counter a question with another question. I dodge maybe with perhaps so. I run away from prominent and potential to fall hopelessly and madly in love with no care or concern. I cheat with broken hearted and stay in bed with disillusioned........

Our connection is strong. Our love is there, but am I there? A lapse in time and any given space will not be enough....nothing is never enough as it seems. I feel drowned. I feel.as of I'm falling into that hexed wishing well. Time will cease if I omit. Time will end. Life won't resume. Paralysis and tidal waves of fears settles in. You will disappoint me. Trap me.

But I do. I care. I need and I love you. Why you?

I want answers, but I can't point one of ten fingers to any selected notation of my love.

I hope you read this......

You will never know what moved me. You will never know what inspired me. You will always assume so much about me, my life, my inconsistent world. You will always wonder what part or role you played in my life.......I will never aspire to answer to you no longer. My creativity and ability to intermix a story or  a scence, a passionate exchange and experience be it yesterday or yesteryear....has afforded me the opportunity to turn life memories into untimely, uncharted and unorganized memoirs.

Throwing a written declaration back at me was the lowest of all lows. You stalk my writings as if they were uniquely written for you. Rather than speaking to me and expressing your interest in what I wrote, you attempted to use it against me.

The relationship I once assumed could be solid, but had kinks in it, but eventually it would run its course and work out ....no longer appears as so. I look at you with a blank face. It's like going behind someone's back and using information against them......low.

Disappointed. Disillusioned.

Just when you think you can amend, we part again.

Read that. It's perfectly present.

With love

In the mean time

I'm waiting on my friend to arrive for our lunch meet up. The rain and cold air brings into mind all the momentus happenings in my life, and for that I must say Thank You.
Thank You for the patience and kindness.
Thank you for your understanding and guidiance with me and for me. Thank you for the ability to be humble. Seek solace in humility, honesty in my discomfort and trusting of my ability to transcend my biggest fears. Life is meant to research and explore, experience and face.
I am happier being still and awaiting centered guidiance. No choice is the perfect and at times best choice, but its a learning experience meant to be explored and expressed.
I am thankful for the ability to be in the moment. Lover of life and that which is explored!
Thank You!

Mastering the human emotions

Forced to transition and change with the times! That is exactly what I am facing and experiencing. I can no longer just be or go through life just making it, I can not even hold my head high enough to float above the shallow waters that continually drown me. I must look beyond the horizons and embedded skyline. I must see further then before. I am now in a situation where I hope to dream small and live bigger. Rather than dream large and maintain the small. The middle space is no longer comfortable or spacious to me anymore. I need to change. Having never felt this pressure to transition and change in such a short condensed time, but an experience that will wash over all of my life time has hit me now. I was fighting it and making my most attempts to ignore it, but it has led me astray and backwards. I feel as if I made my spontaneous life leaps to only be pushed down into the sand. This sand is neither light or welcoming and appears eager to encase me.....So I am running away from life challenges, but then I know I can't continue to lonesome road no longer. For each challenge and experienced faced I must admit to my flaws and faults and reasoning's as to why I wasn't quite successful in any one way shape or form area. I must say to myself exactly and entirely what exactly is going on with me. I have always held the ability to draw others in, and listen to their life transitions and issues with their days, but as for me...inability to identify a safe net to discuss my issues and concerns with. I was able to find an outlet in my journal writings, but I even was secret to a secret! How could that be? So recently coming across exercises that encouraged my mind to expand on all horizons has afforded me the ability to just be. Entertaining the good and the bad and finding a good moment in a declining day, mantra's that allow me to refrain from negativity, and prayers that guide me forward is opening the doors I have narrowed and almost barred away.

So my emotional state remains unbalanced, and I am accepting of this feeling and emotional set. In fact I encouraged an equilibrium not as sturdy and steady as expected. I am warring with the world, I am warring with myself, I am at constant defense mode and have set off several attack mechanisms. I fight for the unknown seat of stability that I have blindly marked. I don't trust, belief or have faith in anything outside of St. Jude and St. Therese as well as mother and father god. My dual belief's in the Omnipotent has not riddled me with unsatsifaction, it has increased my comfort level and belief set, however, in the unknown and unseen faith always gets me by, but my faith in what's in front of me, what has existed within me, who has been ingrained and instilled in me remains tested and truly then. In time I have lost love for it, all, but I am gathering strength steadily. I have no idea of my life completion in the trust journey or for that matter believing in self and others....however, I do know that slowly allowing entry way into life experiences will allow me long term balance and peace being still.

So mystery male you entered my mind and interest this weekend. Due to your inability or lack of response I became highly offended. I even thought, what the hell did I do to you to make you go from hot to cold and so soon, but then I calmed the rushing of my thoughts and mind. I allowed myself to not be caught up in the raptures of pure unadulterated attraction. I allowed myself to see that if you were Tully bullshit then you sure would be stinking up the place sooner or later. The idea of dating, and the art and practice of dating and relating rituals has almost driven me wild with thoughts and fear of failed relationships. I must say my dating expertise is truly limited, and my assumed thoughts of and reactions of expectations are truly daunting. As with everything I am aware of my life and situation and goals, and I also know I must disconnect from the social media sites and my mobile web to allow life to exist amongst myself. So I am giving you and my running mad and wild brain a fair chance to relax and breath and allow nature to take its course or discourse......

Lesson Eighty One: Back against the wall......
Another pressured ridden month and moments, but when allowed the ability to see self error and reflect on amending all issues and slights has allowed me to truly see my potential and self doubt. Lack of security, lack of sex, lack of love, lack of belief, lack of spirituality, lack of happiness all combined made a helluva week! So I applaud my ability to bounce right back and start all up and over again, but this time is different. My back is no longer against the wall, but walking directly away from it.

The butterflies or the anxiety flies?

So the newness has taken over me. I am definitely not complaining at all, in fact I am absolutely looking forward (at times) to the new experiences and what not, however, when one is taken with the start of something new, you become almost consumed in the fresh feeling that anything off putting, upsetting, bothersome and off becomes heightened to the tenth degree. So I am batteling the nerves and just generally trying not to think too much. I question normalcy and assumed normal roles within the dating and relating schemes. I mean seriously is it really this hard to date and relate, or am I just that much out of the loop and self absorbed to take note of the pro's and con's in the dating world. The likes and dislikes and assorted flavors of behavior! So much to learn and absorb. So As I enter the dating world my head remains steady and line of vision focused, but my emotional sleeves and armour isn't sturdy enough!

Recent daydreams and daymares as I like to call have caused me to over analyze HIM! Perhaps I am thinking too hard, and longing for that ideal mate and moment to enter in my life, to somehow set things straighter than before (in the dating and relating realm). However, I am only encountering barriers and walls. Although he appears to have good intentions, I question his motivations. Should I give in slightly to his come on's and lines, then I would have easily fallen into his web, but when I appear to be slightly interested and gradually entertained everything appears to be falling into perspective in regards to communication remaining close and upfront and expected when unexpected even. Perhaps this slight weekend break down has lead me to emotional rollar coaster levels! So I can't get use to the previous, and I must expect and prepare for the rest now? I have no idea, all I know is that I am definitely in a transitional phase in my life. My life has evolved several times over and around in regards to the dating and relating, and although every experience is new and different; I am sensing slight similarities, however, nothing is ever quite the same, but this time I am feeling myself entertaining the idea of liking to getting to know and then falling in love. Trusting in someone is never an easy task, but I am feeling a break free moment ideally described as off centering for me. Should I let him in, I am exposing myself to situational choices and more, but am I willing and able to accept this and his challenges?.......

Waiting for a message is like waiting for that second wind of much needed air. I am exhausted from thinking about him, and wondering why in three days I feel tumultuous tidal changes and waves extending far from behind me and drawing me in. The fear of nothing fairing well or ever being right drowns me at times, but for some reason I stay afloat and keep dreaming. Is it you?


Lesson Eighty: Just breath

Writing out a feeling leaves you not only exhausted, but it leaves you with so many misguided words, forming an even larger misguided paragraph, that is eventually read by another misguided being into understanding and acceptance. I breath a sigh of relief because I wrote exactly how I am feeling.

Where do I go from here

Cold feet appears to be my best bet and best friend. I ask myself am I destined and doomed to feelings of uninterest, measured entertainiment of others, and potential down falls of inconsistenacy. I break off a headche of a friendship and whirlwind of a relationship, because I simply can not take the feeling of not being actively involved, in love and beyond the bed sheets living. Am I wrong for wanting more than the assumed norms of a woman's routine with a male mate? Can I simply just have an interest? Must the opposite sex be motivated by one's physical appearance, which later triggers a response inwhich should I play into, I will be defined and destned to just another pleasure piece on the endless board of loved games. I definitely don't want to play anymore, however, I find myself entertaining the bull shit.

So at this moment I am entirely in a cloud. My thoughts and mind stay far from the ground. It's as if I want to forget each and everyone, and begin anew, but when we begin anew we are continually challenged with the ones we need to get rid of. So on this life challenge I have decided that I might want to be a better love games figurine, I might want to actually go forward with these demands and wants of others on my own terms, and by my own rules. Perhaps I have a simple case of the fuck it's, but I really don't think of it as that. I just see it for how life simply is. It's a game, you either are the important players or the supporting case. As an important player you are constantly making moves and in motion. Should I accept the challenges and want to make the moves, I am accepting a fate unknown at times to me, but easily lived by me. I am returning to the point of no return, and no regrets. the point where I could care less who you are and what you are about, it's my interest and motivation that must be appeased. Do I go this route.....or do I go the other route that has held me literally in an emotional bubble for so long. I have simply become someone I am slightly content with......

So enters A new. I am intrigued and interested, but I am looking at the menu and simply I have not passed the appetizer. Oh Mr. Seductive fits all of the amazing choices, however, what he does not know is that I clearly see through the lines and filmy emotional hang up's. Impressionable I can be at times, however, I am not so romantically warped that I could not see his intentions.....It amazes me how a little word games and lip locking luster will make the mind bend your own damn needs. Passion is absolutely contagious, and at times, unmistakable, however, it's truly misleading, and for that I have no idea why I entangle, engage and bother with the whole rituals. As misleading as getting to know one can be, it can also be an experience to remember, and for each experienced I have gained valuable and wonderful life lessons, which I would not exchange for the world! However, it's like a personal mind double DAMN! Can and will things every change and get better? Will the opposite sex differ so much that I could just simply breath and not giggle about all the misled attempts!

So my self offer is to accept this challenge and play it and everything to the fence, recall, remember, excite and ignite each and every passionate flame, with no realistic motivations and intentions I am destined to reign on top with a heart ache, but a helluva memory bank!

Lesson Seventy Nine: I really could care less at times.....

I try to play by the rules, and figure each and everything out, but as life presents itself nothing appears to be getting better and greater unless it's tested, tainted and aged properly. The more I stay calm and entertaining to the bull shit, the more I turn inward and stay away from the uncomfort, challenges and moments that make and break people. I wont hover over anything anymore either. One in a million, and I'm just that one.

So I am accepting of the challenge. Beware!

When one door closes, another door opens

I am not surprised that our door finally closed. I am only questioning myself as to why I allowed our door to remain open. I continued to see the signs of our decaying relationship and friendship. As the dust settled, and the text messages dwindled, our contact, and on my end need for additional with you definitely decreased. As I wrote out my feelings in my journal, I continued to question everything about me and my idea of dating and pursuing a positive and productive relationship. I reasoned with myself as to why our relationship would improve, and that although you looked great on paper, in person you hardly measured up to the human eye. I pressed myself to want you, but I gradually started disliking you. The more you talked, the more I countered you. The more you texted, the more reason to just not reply and delete you, but as with everything life and kicking people out of your life is never so simple and easy. So I stayed with the notion, well assumed notion that everything between us would get better and improve, but nothing really did. Your most recent response towards me settled it all. So on to the next!.................

So enters normalcy.....
Planning and prepping myself for new beginnings.

Shortly written, but valued!

Oh I do Declare!

Perhaps life was always meant to be a challenge, a challenge within a race of never ending torments on my soul. I say this with ease and a smile, but then again I say this with a troubled mindset. My inability to just roll with life and just go has left me open to everything and anything. Have I reached the point of no return, or can I hit the panic button repeatedly and await assistance in this murky mess!
I have not updated my blog as of recently because so much has changed, occurred and happened within a span of 30 plus days. I ventured to an exotic island of delight and surprise, and almost went with my carnal and most intimate needs and wants, however, I refrained from going further because I was awaiting something and someone in response. Barely after touching back to New York City from Bridgetown Barbados, a call from a familiar stranger filtered through my system. He awoken all my needs and wants and hopes and desires, and a sense of distress and almost panic at the disco kicked in. I was looking for flights to Nashville, planning my work scheduled and making arrangements as we spoke, but then reality and life kicked in, and what was deemed an interesting call simply faded to black. I no longer looked for his attention and appeasement. Six years of friendship and an awesome year of intimacy and romanticism forgot. So closing that door I was faced with my now, the occasional text message from a dependable male from Louisiana. The state of hardship, eroticism, exoticism and all that jazz. What exactly was I looking for and attempting to rekindle, restart or for that matter begin. As quickly as my video chat loaded and touch screen moved, so did the fizzled out sense of wanting and belonging. I was asking myself, why am I forcing and pressing the issue of being in love, developing a relationship and perhaps entertaining the idea of starting a partnership and getting married and bearing children? If I can’t see a tomorrow with you, why am I trying for today? So that idea and relationship nixed and fizzled. So on to the man whom I deem my new found love, my interest that has captivated me for a year. The man whom I can see no wrong, or want no harm to come to, but then he says perhaps one or two things, or perhaps his actions aren’t well received by me and then he goes on the shit list again, and I begin to wonder why did me the fool fall in love. Although my assumed amor expresses otherwise, and guides me right back into the senseless state of loving him and wanting to continue to love him. I have no idea why I even care or feel for him, or have an inkling that he will redeem himself and make his way through, but I will never deny my love feelings for him, whatever will occur which isn’t occurring is what is trapping my mind. I step away from him by pulling myself out of an assumed environment and starting all over again, but am I really safe from my heart?
So enters two new male interests, one is smooth and calculating and has my interest piqued, but his associations and baggage and just outlook on life isn’t appealing to me, but yet again a smile text and bubbly conversation keeps the interest going, will I further explore and entertain, I don’t even know. Second interest, well he has entirely an interesting mixture, baby mama drama, ACS involvement, a sense of civil service and exactitude to his fellow “brothers”, but am I feeling him? No. So what do I do, send the occasional hello response or reply right back. NEXT!
What is there about love and loving and the levels experienced and expressed by others in love? Like seriously, love wants to live here, but at times love doesn’t live here anymore. I question my sanity and mindset and even look within looking for answers to unanswered questions, however, I must always stay on top of my own personal situation and needs and wants. It’s like a never ending story, with always a new beginning and unfinished middle part, but I’m not afraid, I dare say that! I think of Mary J. Blige and the beat to “All I want to Be Is Happy” and my head automatically bobs in unison. By the book I try to be in regards to loving and learning to love, however, I am not and no longer fault myself. My happiness is sought by my inner longings to conquer my emotional cravings and yearnings. If I am at fault for experiencing life, then so be it. Hurt, sad, happy and mad I am emotionally craving it all.
So I return to my blog in a newly designed state. A state of appeal and interest, and a newness to want to sample them all and still have my plate. A plate of intent and not truly selfish needs, because ideally I know what I want and desire, and I am looking forward to seeking that and more. Perhaps the 30’s began with a huge bang for me and a tumultuous slide with decisions and choices not truly known to me, but as with a popular saying “that dollar could of bought lotto”, I am illustrating to myself instability to stability to known and the unknown. “I’m ready”!

Lesson Seventy Eight: Welcome to the fold!
Texas hold em, or New York work it! So my little break from the written world has allowed me to go through the peaks and valleys and experience and further express my needs and wants and desires, but what’s more amazing is welcoming the unknown and fearing nothing. In my needed moments guidance has always been there and prevailed. Whatever it is the continues to propel me further, and allow me coping skills and survival mechanisms continues to afford me the mindset and destiny of a woman living in the moment to the fullest!

Making minor waves.......Tsunami you say?

The week has went entirely by me. I have had major highs and extreme loves all in the span of an entire 7 day stretch. So the idea of leaving New York is enticing me. I am being romanticized no longer by the limitations the Big Apple has captivated me with. I am no longer wearing my blinders. The sky is the limit, and if I continue to look up and away I will never stop moving. So New Jersey beckons to me, and I welcome her in my life. I have made the ultimate commute and sacrifice to transition to and from work and social activities, and then turn around and go back "home" to New Jersey. I have always had wonderfully relaxing times and experiences in New Jersey, so why not test the waters again.

As quick as time, I contacted my cousin and made the choice to leave New York City, Brooklyn to be exact! Behind. I decided that there is more to my life then living in a ratty old neighborhood, doomed with decimal abusers, and also, party peoples all over the corners and streets. I would not mind walking into my neighborhood and not seeing a living, breathing soul until I entered my place of residency. I would not mind walking around my neighborhood in it's beautiful beauty and solitude state. I would not mind leaving my New York experiences and ties behind. Starting anew and fresh is what is being said, and that is something that interests and entertains me the most. I am needing a new freshness and slice of life, that will propel me forward. I am needing to try something new and set my soul and spirit free.

So in transitioning to a new state I am transitioning my mind, heart and soul. It is you that I notified and must leave behind. You only questioned me as to why I am leaving, but then you readily understood and I have heard nothing from you since. I am thinking that perhaps you will express your true feelings towards me and for me, however, nothing has come of you and me, and obviously nothing has changed. So with that being said I welcome a new day and age of where I am wanting, but no longer needing and sacrificing for. I had a terrible experience occur to me two days ago. The deathly hollows of my life was presented to me. I was unable to attend to my slightest needs or make the pain and feelings of going off the deep end transition away. For in just an instant my life literally changed before my eyes, and as I laid in my self imposed silence and stillness and began slipping away, all I could remember was going through this moment by myself. I had no one to contact or call, and even though this incident was a case of emergency I dealt with my anxieties, and in my face fears, as well as long term hopes in such a shortened state. I didn't want to leave or end my life on a such a shortend note, by such a freak of nature and accident. Attempting to enjoy a blissful smoke, and I ended up with the side effects from the great beyond. In that instant I was fighting for more than my life, but I was pushing past everything that has crowded and stunted me. I at the very moment of complete dispair was able to pull myself physically, mentally and spirtually together and connect, and plead for my life and the saving of it. Whatever it was I ingested, well I wouldnt at all touch it again, and I valued myself more than ever before. SO as I think of him who continually pulls and pushes me away, I am not fighting for his love, and attention anymore. I am not pushing for his acceptance, for I have accepted it all. My fate is no longer in his unloving hands, but my reslove resides in my own. I fought like never before, and I knew it wasn't going to be an easy battle, but as I write this tears spring fourth from my eyes. If I can survive this, I can survive anything. Amen.

I can continually release you, but I am not. I am moving past you, because I can.

Lesson Seventy Seven: Remember it like it was yesterday......
I am entitled to being happy, content and within my own world created for and by me. I can and will transition forward and beyond, because I can. Afforded the abilities of free will, I am going to utilize every breaking moment. I am free.

Routine

So I am falling into myself as never before. Well perhaps as before, but more defined and pretty much open to changes and transitions, as never before. Routine....I have a few, but then again I don't stick to the same routines I have developed.

So my dreamed about vacation, and break from New York City living occured. I along with my two best friends vacationed in Barbados. We stayed at an amazing resort, which not only catered to our needs, wants and all included desires; the vacation allowed us to simply be and live unstressed, and as relaxed as possible. I was exposed to a different, but familial and familiar culture of exotic peoples. The weather battered us, but brought us out and about in at times torrential rains. I truly enjoyed being in a tropical location, able to see the vast and limitless skies, and able to rest and relax with balmy tempered waters. I slept well, ate well and was entertained well. I truly am feeling renewed.

So in my most renewed state my fantasies have met me. I continue to dream and entertain a former lover, and self deemed soul mates expressive emails and role play scenes featuring us in our most intimate and passionate positions. Do I go further and allow a definite past to become a definite future experience? I don't know.... Door number two opens to a male friend whom I have love feelings for at times, but then other times I have no apathy towards him. He appears apologetic and missing me. I don't know if our unspoken distance has allowed him to see the strain on our friendship and assumed relationship, but I am long gone from him and have emotionally checked out, but yet I read his messages. I am attempting to find a happy medium between us. Perhaps we can remain friends, but then again I question myself "where we ever friends"?......The man of the moment who has my heart, who silently calms my emotional waves, and is the tide and rip current that moves me. I am wishing he was right beside me. Sharing my bed with me, me cuddle close to him and lay my head on his vast chest. I love his smell, and mostly I love to see him lay back. I love when my mouth is on him and over him, his confidence and comfort ability with me, arouses me to new points of passion and pleasure. As you can see my love for him is more defined then just bed mates........

So on vacation and all I gathered my thoughts and took from all learned that I actually started having a romantic and relationship routine. Missing your lover, the daily communication, and night time conversation. Missing the connection and connective pieces. Allowing your day and evening to coexist with your lovers. Entwined in such a way that not experiencing a day, moment or gathered routine with your lover throws you entirely off the daily chart. The only thing righting you would be your lover.

So throwing care and concerns to the wind and embracing them all, I still love you. I have denied you each and other waking moment and space in time, but yet I come right back to you. For with you I am most appeased and content, and without you life does continue on, but in question. So as I vacationed my mind and soul, my body remained hovering back home in search of you. Did you know I love the way you snore, and the way you turn your head towards me. When you embrace me, and place one tree limb of a leg over me. I love that and more. A smile, a laugh and a giggle is all I need to hear from you and I am instantly relaxed. Just thinking of the recent moment(s) we have had, or shall I say routine happenings between us, I am excited for where things seem to be going, but then again I don't want to become overly confident and mistake computability for commitment either. It's a waiting game between us, and each day I am saying to myself should I stay or should I go, I don't know......but as each day passes I am embracing you more and more. Routine.

Lesson Seventy Nine: Never forget stability, and never compromise instability.
I am learning more and more each day, and having the ability to translate an emotion into written feelings and statements, allows me to clearly manage where I see myself, and where I am soon heading. Although situations, people and time may be fleeting, what is experienced is for ever more emblazoned in our minds.

Turn back the page...

So on with social newness, and upward mobility acts. Learning to enjoy simple company and amazing entertainment via friends, new friends and as always the lovely family. So decisions and choices have made up my weekday and weekend. I started off with my cleaning of my apartment and recollecting my past week. Sexcapades with a male I assumed I have serious love feelings for, sexcapades with a male whom I have this attraction and annoyance to and for, and lastly the closing of a toxic long distance relationship with an undiagnosed male, who unfortunately can not see the road to perdition, or the light at the end of the tunnel. So effected by his surroundings and childhood, he began damaging his interactions and relationships with others. I questioned myself, why did I stay and indure his sarcasm and mean spirited moments? Why did I allow myself to not see the detriment this particular male, and our on and off again relationship was causing? As always I can honestly say to myself "I told you so", so as I closed out this relationship yet again (two times and hopefully no more) I am paying attention to the type of people and relationship the stirs me. I am learning more about my wants in needs in each failed attempt, and from each failed attempt I am taking a lesson and new learned life plan with me.

So I ask myself do I really love this man? Why do I entertain and be bothered with this other man? Can I truly be alone, but involved and engaged with another, but on my terms? What are my terms? What are my undefined and sought after needs I am dreaming about? I realized that I can be alone, but I also realized that I can have that appropriate, sought after relationship, reliastic and honest and balanced on both ends, however, in order to recieve I must pass on the following: relationships that are dead ends, and pose no gain to myself and my needs. A relationship with a male, who pretty much has my life on his terms, and runs things by me when he is ready. Patrionizing and superficial conversations, or having that sirface relationship. In order to have depth and dig deep, we must experience and face life at face value. Love and lust do not run hand in hand. What sexually attracts and appeases you for the time being, will not always hold you for a life time. If there is no gain and connection, and nothing to be wanted and desired for by another, then why bother? Time is of essence. Life is ever changing and an amazing experience. Happiness is to be taken and for all it's worth. A life time of unhappiness, bitterness and anger will not suit anyone well. Love is beautiful and freeing.

So I have decided to continue to socially date, but I decided to sexually commit to only myself. I am cutting my lovers strings and ties to me. Invisible as the connections may be, it is the unseen that corrupts me. It is the unseen that has labled me as noncommitted and focused. It is these strongs that have binded me to others. I take my life scissors and I cut away you and you and you. My three you's have literally dissloved before my face. In regards to my dating experiences, I passionately welcome life, because it is innocent and toxic free. There are no strings attached and the only prerequiste is to enjoy it, and take it by it's hand. For which I will do.

Seeking solace in prayers and meditations and my own personal talisman have afforded me freedom and insight with my thoughts. I am freeing myself from unnecessary weight, and toxic beings and experiences. I am allowing myself to see life with another and in a partnership with meaning and definition. My own defined fears and terms of single life, and issues within relationships, that would never be experienced by a single female who was committed to herself only. I value and love myself, even through out these times and tribulations that are being faced, but I never gave up hope that one day my love and life would be defined by one simple statement and act. With each experience and hardship faced I have grown and become the person I am set to be.

So enters the man whom I have loved from the start of my adult life. The man who has imprinted within me. The man whom I call my lover, and bestfriend. I let him go because I could not understand the condition and terms of my relationship with him. I let him go out of anger and not once, but several times, but yet he has come back to me. Has he come for me? Can I wishfully hope that he will save me from me, and our love would have with stood time and distance? Yet I know there are changes that are to occur. There is a decision to be made about me, him and us. I am just now scratching the surface of this relationship.

Lesson Seventy Five:
Learning to let love be. Learning to acknowledge the hurts and the pain and genuinly move right above it all. I am flying high, but never too high too not take it all in. Gracious and thankful for each experience.

Another Chapter Read........

It takes reading your life book to truly realize all the pages that have been turned and re read again and again. The book I am creating and authoring all myself. This book I envisioned a lot of changes and transitions and "do overs". So enters a closing of a life chapter that I am finally coming to terms with. Over the past two weeks I have finalized my summer vacation to Barbados with two of my best friends. I have accepted my love for someone I have harvested feelings for, become emotionally attached to in a years time, explored ideas and options and possible relationship thought set with my love interest, however, time and pain and life's reality settled in. I began to stop wanting what just could not happen and occur with him, and I began appreciating the friendship once again. Yes, we are still intimately connected, but it's not as costly as before. Love will always remain, but time has been of essence, and it has not prompted any further happenings, so I released it and him, and just became me all over again. Detaching myself from him has shown me where I want to be, and that is simply HAPPY.

So welcoming in my 30th was an amazing blessing experienced with friends and family. I ate well (Thai food)and drank exceptionally well, I sang my heart out at karaoke and truly was amazed at the happenings of the night and the days to follow. I entertained dates, and also, looked forward to meeting up with friends. I allowed myself to think outside of the box, and I am not expecting anything more or further from anyone. I can only expect my reactions and predict my possible outcomes. All I can do in regards to pulling you, or pushing you further in or away from me is our truth and reality, which is to be faced. No more living with a life veil over my eyes, protecting me from reality and basically my future. I can not live for you, or conform to your ideals and life's standards, as with you can not live just for me, and change or transition your life to what I envision and see for truth.

So as I laughed, smiled, entertained company and became sexually optimistic and sensual, bored and in through, wet and open to ideas and ready for that pressure, I slowed each moment down and really thought to myself......I am asking for you (whomever he is) to come to me. I want to be free from life's stressors, to enter my life as unscratched and unscathed as possible, to save me from myself and discouraging thoughts and life acts that aren't pleasing to me anymore. As you (he) knelt over me to enter me I really thought about my sexual self and needs. I thought about the position and the connective tissues, and blood vessels opened to the rush of red passion. The burst of an orgasmic flame, or missed connection. The undulated swivel of my pelvis and mound on your body. My legs opening wider and I gasping louder and louder. At that moment as intense as ever, I thought to myself where am I going? If I want something from you, shouldn't I be living my life as such? A good life, of a reserved female awaiting her prince charming. A life of being patient and letting time and soured experiences go by. In passing I am twiddling my thumbs still optimistic and hopeful? I question this, and my rogue and renegade self says fuck as much as I want, cum as hard as I please and exclaim all mishaps, hurts and relationship strife's to the world. But in my self deprecated state, with my legs open and self exposed to the world I listen to my hurting me. I long for love and a relationship. I give in and up too easily and I doubt myself and discourage each experience as a mistake and a knock on myself, but then I hear an unknown voice reporting back to me that my life is meant to be explored and challenged. I am meant to feel, love hard and learn hard, but with each battle I must learn better stratagems to prepare myself for the licking of my own wounds self inflicted, or assumed lover inflicted. I am to hold my head up high and go forward with no fears at all. For each life lesson, a life map is revealed. I am right where I want and need to be. I can't settle for life's assumed norms or allow others to dictate what is good and great for me, for they don't breath, live or think like me. I welcome opinions and critics will always be there, but in the end I will remain the writer of my story, and for each chapter I write in my self book I intend to explore, expand and resolve and evolve all at once. Cheers to the fucking tears.

So as this chapter opened and begins to close I can not help but think about the forces of nature that almost impose a "to settle" attitude on me. I almost got caught up in just settling, but life again showed me the red flags. When in doubt and uncomfortable let it go. Intuition is not only your best friend, but the solid benefactor of you believing in it. Living out of the seat of my pants has provoked and exploited me all at once, but in essence where would I be if I didn't step outside the life lines.

Lesson Seventy Four: Believe in ME

When you rest your head you are you. When you awake and turn around, you are thinking of you. When you dream those big dreams, they are entirely exclusive only to you, but they demand the attention of an evolved you. Although we make mistakes, and at times tear ourselves up and feel slighted by life and tired by the assumed picture perfects of others, we have to remember we are exactly where we want to be. I can not smile for you, but I can smile for me. My faith in you will please me, but belief and faith in myself propels me.

What matters to me the most

In a world where everything appears to be temporary, and easily discarded; I realized several things over my holiday weekend. One, I dislike my current career path and the stagnant feelings I have grown to just deal with, whenever work becomes drama filled with a side of headache and definite annoyance to go! I am not pleased with this sense of ease and accustomed uncomfort. In fact, it took being talked about by a co worker to realize just how easily one is here and gone the next day. Hearing someone describe me in a way that questioned my abilities, integrity and overall work performance, well it just burned my insides and steamed my vision. I decided on this fourth of July Holiday of 2011, independence will not only ring in memory of our nations most ardent and fought for battle of 1776, but independence will ring for me as I begin to renew, search, discover and embrace the person I am yet to fully visualize and be.

Secondary epiphany,my rocky and at times disdain for my love life and the lovers involved in them has taken a turn for better......hmmm I have not mysteriously fallen in love, or have been swept away in my most vivid dreams. I have just decided to really appreciate and value myself more, and become what I am looking for. I can not ask you to be emotionally available and intelligent, when you are cold and as closed off. I can not request your interest and time, when you have neither in me or in have any time invested in yourself. I see the brick wall, which slowly has been drizzled with concrete and impenetrable military secret mixtures, that has created the all too consuming and blocking emotional wall. No matter how I try to see, and want to see it, you and they will never be there for me. Interest and like can just go so far, and well I am neither interested in those two, so with that being said I decided to not only adopt, but become the spokeswoman for realism. Being true to yourself and facing your once deemed disasters and life problems head on. No longer fearing responses, or problematic outcomes because once it is out in the open, it is to be read openly. So with that self reflective moment I am letting go. My back to the world, my arms spread wide open. My trust and connective net of safety is and has always been with and within me. I am allowing other experiences and moments in time to address my needs and wants and fulfill life's dark spots and soak up any and all clouds. Blessed and fortunate I am, to be able to be afforded the many opportunities and life experiences, so why not utilize them and work with them rather than against them? Cheers!

So in comes my family over the weekend and extended family. I have been afforded the opportunity to spend some much needed quality time with friends and family. Laughing, embracing, sharing stories, and eating and enjoying the moments as they passed. I never yawned and never felt a moments stressed or tired. I felt as if I found the fountain of youth, and as I lived through my adult daily in's and out's, I recaptured and relived my youth, all one instant in time. I was ideally happy and generally at peace, so I knew exactly what I needed to do.

So as I am looking for answers and searching continuously within, I am not at a lost for words and moments. Strikingly, little by little life is presenting herself to me in many charming aspects. I drink from her fountain of wisdom, and am seeing life as it is presenting itself. I am ready to visually see more, and willing to investigate and delve into the murky waters of existence. My fear and cares have been washed ashore.

Lesson Seventy Three: Everyday is a new beginning
What I did not start yesterday, I began today. What I didn't finish last week, I closed out yesterday. I am not cutting myself off or limiting my life's times, for if I think small minded and only see dates, numbers, minutes and seconds, I will never afford myself the ability to transcend it all. We are as old as we want to be, and as rushed and hurried as society makes us be. I am putting on the life brakes and choosing to look at my life path and pattern, not from afar, but up close and distinctly personal.

Believe in ME as I believe in YOU!

Another test in the ever pressing and constantly flowing changes in life. So I recently learned that when my fight or flight instincts kick in I can go one or two ways. Choosing the first initial way would occur something like this: I would decided to become upset, think irrationally and turn down all MacGuyver like ways to resolve the issue at hand. I would simply throw in the towel and look no further. My hopes and dreams and all prized possessions claimed up until now will simply dissolve and fade away into the back. The back of my mind would hold so much luggage of unused ideas, great escape attempts and also redeeming factors. A once firm believer in seeing something through regardless of whatever presenting factors occur, I would simply fade to black.

This quality and also first option is something I have grown accustomed to. I have grown to like disappointment and frustrations, and also, working with my back against the wall. I have learned to enjoy the bitter sweet response of unachieved goals, lost virtues, and aspirations sorely achieved and easily forgotten.

So enter option number two, and the response that would follow. I can observe and access the situation at hand. I can start to think about how I am following up and following through with the decisions and choices I am to make. I can listen to whatever is being said, regardless of if it's in loud or small tones. I can easily calm a situation at hand, and find resolve with options. Options are life's escape ladders, invented to sustain balance, and instill height throughout deception, truth's and general life handle.

So as learned, and comforting as option number one has and would have become, I decided that I have this inner being that is not easily going to give in and give up. The one that continues to fight the good fight and remain strong and willing at all times. So I muster up strength and beckon to my inner all to come out come out where ever she ARE! Not only am I impressed by my personal resolve, but I have encouraged and acquired a new skill set and further mastered an effective art of communication 101!

So sashaying my way into a more responsible, honest and upfront close and personal position; I was able to address my most inner needs and wants and not collectively give in and up to disappointment, and Plan A option only. I saw a Plan B and Plan C, and I liked all variables! I came out of this situation with not only my head held high, but a respect for myself I totally had eclipsed. I learned that I have the power to sway, persuade, encourage, endorse and self and shamelessly promote myself. I have found many avenues and ventured into this arena on eggshells, however, I have not entirely gathered the needed and necessary strength to follow through until now. Having embraced my inner Wonder Woman, I am left giddy in the eyes of this full and bright world to and for me to take over!

Lesson Seventy Two: Believe in ME, as I believe in YOU.
Toot your own horn. Shamelessly and selflessly promote yourself. Everything you hope to aspire towards and achieve take it all. Love unconditionally, and challenge life at times. Venture out and make amends with others. Believe in yourself. Value yourself. Take care and rekindle that relationship with you that has left you dreary. envision hope and love and respect. Envision power. There is an untapped essence floating upward in the stream of life. Take heed and flow.

For better or for worst?

So it is what it is appears to be the modern lingo for current happenings, broken happenings and past happenings in regards to what the hell is going on with my romantic world. It’s like I am in a crystal clear bubble, and I am looking out at each and every option I can possibly have and experience, however, nothing, no one, not even half of someone is catching my eyes of interest. Sometimes I wonder, and go right back to the ever pressing question “Is it me”. I would love to look each present and past lover in the face and just ask “What is it?” It appears that I continue to get swept up into the initial hype, but like a parade; it’s experienced, shouted out through and through and then over before you know it. Who’s cleaning up my progressed feelings and heart afterwards? Who is guiding me through these bumps in the road? As I look to my left and right, I see no one. All I can think about is where have all the cowboys gone! The Paul Cole songs blare in my mind and I start kicking to the beat. I then begin feeling as if I am in a self constructed mosh pit, and as I reach forward and press myself out I just can’t let go. Each time I blog and write I am letting through heartfelt emotions. I am letting go of moments that I have experienced, but am wishing to close off to the past. …..

But then he returns to my mind. He takes over every thought and current need I have desired for. He actually appeals to me more than ever before, because I am choosing to banish him away from me. I am pushing him further and further away in my physical sight; however, mentally he saturates and stains my mind. I close my eyes to dream of him, I open my eyes and I visually am fixated on my return back into my dream, which of course features him. The more I pull away, the more I want him closer to me. The feelings of something tearing and being pulled away from me overwhelms me. Once I start to detach myself from the thought of no longer feelings and caring and wanting to be with him, my anxiety immediately increases, I then begin to think of life outside of him. Has it come to this? This being all consumed by my passion for him?

So my weekend started out supposedly busy. I was to focus on the needs and issues at hand, and have no time for side thoughts or fantasy driven conversations. I was to spend quality time with my lovely niece, why my sister went away on a passion driven Virginia road trip from New York City. So Friday night started off the anti emotional and no concentration weekend. The focus and mindset lasted for approximately a few seconds. As I left Brooklyn and headed uptown on the C local MTA train, I noticed couples chatting together in the cosy cool train cars. I caught glimpses of old couples, in the middle couples, fresh and new faced couples and I began to think “Where the fuck are you?” My heart began skipping several beats due to becoming angry all over again, and also, the stirring of my mind whenever I thought and think of and about you.
It is another sad love song of a tortured soul and mind and forever broken heart, but the loud noise of a beating heart continues to prevail above all.

Lesson Seventy-One:
I refuse to let you go. I refuse to deny my emotional feelings and I damn sure refuse to continue to be sadden, overcome and overwhelmed about your passing in my life. I am forever in life’s debt for the unique experience of meeting a lover. A lover that has entered my life featuring a lesson I needed to learn. As stubborn and hard pressed as I am to let things easily go, I am aware of the greatness of each and every experience. Allow yourself to feel, breath and experience, but in time life will bring the closure, fresh start and cleansed pathway needed. I am forever in thought, and in life school.

The build up!

As I exit from my work day, I think about the week that just past. The work week had the makings of a short worked week. I was thinking about how I will be prepping to leave for Barbados soon, and also, my impending 30th birthday and birthdate is steadily approaching. My happiness and contentment has been recieved and reached by me. Slowly, but surely improving my mindset and becoming emotionally grounded and open to new ventures and viewpoints in regards to life; I can only say thank you for the second wind.

So entering this new phase and moment in my lifetime; I can only sense "The build up". To what is developing and happening, I have no idea, but to where life appears to be streaming and going, the steady satisfaction and comfort in knowing my ability to work through my personal crisis, issues and problems. My ability to emotionally detach myself at a given time from some experiences and look at life realistically and at times logically. Being selfless and selfish are key factors for me in my life. Realistically thinking, while day dreaming and fantasy playing. Making amends for all the stressors and strife life presents us, and what we present and bring to life.

So I am sensing and seeing the dating field as a build up. If I could place all the males I have dated within the past ten years of my adult life, I could probably come up with maybe two or three that suited me so, but there just was that certain something about them that did not hold me enough to allow me to remain with them, or perhaps our relationship did not mature in a manner that allowed us to further our experiences together. So with that being said I have decided to enjoy the art of dating. Dating is no longer a hinderance, but a recent interest that needs to be experienced and explored. Although it is appearing that a lot of males are thinking in the same mind set "See a woman, sleep with a woman, and on to the next woman", this game has grown tiresome and at times left me not wanting to entetainin any dates. I held all males responsible for the nature of their sexually oriented thoughts only, and I simply accepted the fact of being single and casually dating with no emotional ties and connections. Well as I have grown, I have come to see that not one, but two can direct traffic in the realm of dating and relating. So I am no long a pedestrian crossing dangered streets, but a thinking, feeling and passionate vehicle in motion. Ever going further with my observations, I thought about all the times when I was in a meet, greet and sleep and on to the next mode. I thought about the people whom have grown to care and develop love oriented feelings for me. I thought about all the good times I have experienced, and the people I have experienced them with. So at times I was that person who loved them and left them. I was the person who played with someones heart strings, and painful detached myself from their connections to me, I was someone who only thought entirely of myself and my situation, and never about the effects of my actions on my choosen lover.

So looking from the outside, and returning back into a self reflective state; I am coming to terms with my past and present and history and my patterns. I am coming to terms with my roles in other peoples lives, and also, my expectations and wants from others, but shortage in securing them in unison. I am not retracting any life experience, or deeming everything a disaster and learning from scratch again and turning a new page or as society say "a leaf" over. I am embracing my life, and the choices I have decided to make. I am taking my time and reviewing everything with a watchful eye, and open mind. I know what I want and desire and am accepting and receieving in my life. I have decided to embrace the experiences, but not forget them. As I move forwards I am appreciative of my past, and positioning myself to continue to enjoy life, and live vicariously through experience. It's a great teacher, and wonderous friend to life.

Lesson Seventy: The old was never in, the now is ever present!

I am reaching forward and focusing more than ever before. Making my life choices and decisions possible. Looking forward to whatever the future holds, and whatever is in store for me. Never letting an experience destroy you, but building on from each and everyone. Be it good or bad, each experience has brought us somewhere in life, and has taught us something about ourseleves which continues to transition us even more into our future. I am fortunate for the down times and blessed for the happier times. As always looking for a balance.......the build up.

Monogomy over monotony?

This weekend I really had time to embrace myself and most intimate thoughts. What brought on these thoughts and more? Well I could actually specify one occurrence that opened up the flood gates of emotionally heart felt and not one lick of draining moments for me during my weekend.

So as Friday entered so did my long work week and all the feelings associated with not wanting to think about work, a work issue, a co worker, a client or impending Monday's reports due. All I wanted to do was be embraced. I really didn't have a set person(s) to be embraced by, however, all I wanted for was an experience outside of my recent Friday's. So I kicked back, hung out with my close friends, laughing and enjoying some decadent drinks, ambiance of the location we selected for the evening.

So as the enjoyment came through, I started to release the assumed pain. I started to think about the one who has continued to occupy my thought and heart. I really had this impression that he who captivated me, held me the majority and all of the time, well I am finding this statement to not be true. In fact I have found a solution that is appropriate to me, and my current situation. My situational heart, and the love that I apply to the ones I become interested in more than a platonic way.

So reaching forward I am seeing myself more and more. I am giving myself (love, body, mind and time and heart) to people who are emotionally unavailable. People who can not commit to me at any given time. People who are only temporally invested in me. I can give them the world in a span of a couple of hours, but to ask them to return the favor, I am left hovering over the Earth. So with numerous realizations, and truths of the many matters that have been brought to my attention a discovery occurred. Love is not limited to one. How this occurred to me was during my massive texting which I will admit I was slightly twisted (drank the best of the best of the best) but I continued to express myself and clear my mind. I continued to state why you can't and couldn't be with me, and why you didn't want me? I went there. I questioned myself and questioned him. I even ran the idea of having this text conversation and just simply telling everything I needed to relate and say to this guy, but it ended on another note. I am releasing and relinquishing all of my feelings and emotions to someone who cant receive them and send back. I am impressing myself on someone who might acknowledge my affections and feelings entirely different, and for that I am aware and understand. I am forgiving of myself, because now I know that love can be lived, centered and accepted, but soon released. Especially if its the love the is in passing, and I am OK to have fallen in loved with you, but I continue to release you with no understanding and acceptance as to why I can not let you go, but now I am aware and know that our love was experienced and expressed and it passed on, so I am free to love and learn and express and experience again, with no fault or problems in my findings.

SO enters more probabilities and options. The association of intimate, sexual acts with loving, made to love orders of a budding relationship; is there or will there ever be a possibility? So as I am releasing my emotional ties and looking at life from different perspectives, I am also thinking about the sexual acts themselves and the investments of my time concerning them. Does each act remain the all end all for everything felt and experienced? Does one act stand out over the others? Can just one act satisfy me? All good questions to be thought over and delved into further, however, I am seeing my answers as I live them out and write of them. A lover may be received, but our motivations and intent must be thought out prior to the act or attempting an act itself. We can want, need, feel for and vibe with another, but in the end each relationship has it's weight in your life. On the importance scale of living we have to see which one works out best, and is a better situation for ourselves. Sanity and clarity are prominent figures that's needed in my life, and in order to make a good transition to the betterment of self and the experience, we must remain entirely open and honest with ourselves.

So each experience represent a time in my life. Each person brings forth feelings and needed moments that are occurring in our lives. No one at the moment is fitting the entire description, so until then I will treat each lover as a whole. I will take from each moment and experience what needs to be received and that is all. Not adding fuel to the fire, not making assumptions or super imposing the wants in needs into someone who will never be that one. So a morbid ending to a sensually popping beginning, but it is something that is not left only to the fantasies and mines imagination, but a truth that brings forward a prospective one, who will suit all the needs and desires henceforth.

Lesson Sixty-Eight: Acknowledgement

Having the ability to admit, omit, say "Yes I did" or "Yes I am aware" is not only a breather from life, but also a freeing statement. Being honest with yourself and putting everything needed up and out front is what is to be desired for. The truth in your everyday, remains to be the truth in your survival and longevity. Although life remains in question, and constantly fluctuating and changing, life makes bold impressions and key designs and patches up the unknown, undecided and not for seen. So being upfront and opening up and seeing what is beyond the eyes is all telling and all growth.

Letting loose and veering towards no control.....

As of recently I have had a personal self discovery occur gradually over time, and then instantaneously throughout my entire weekend. I decided that I can not predict, make miracles, wishes and dreams all come true as planned in my lifetime. Although I am expecting a many good things and uncommon occurences to happen, I am now under the impression that if they should happen, ninety nine percent of the time the occurences will not follow as planned and I am finally ok with that.

What led to this moment, and many little self discoveries was my admission to myself about my need(s) at times to remain in control, have a set sense of self and balance, and be able to walk upright with no issues or problems in between. I was expecting no side bars, notations or even edits and life overhauling. I genuininly believed that I can have slight changes, and bumps occur, but nothing too common and routine. I was wrong.....

My transitions and fight with my life has weighed me down. I was under the impression that there would be nothing standing in my way. The only doors I would be opening were the doors that I pictured before me. For each door opened, I knew exactly what was behind them. Hell I made everything into what it needed and did not need to be in regards to my life, and for that I see my faults and findings and life discontenetment starting to settle within me now.

My fears have plagued and paralysed me. The constant need to be in control, and be aware of my surroundings has blinded me. I am saying that it's ok to go throughout life with a plan, but having that tight reign and need to reel everything within, and control and have life go accordingly just isn't cut out for me. I am facing my truth, and well it looks like living on the edge, and in constant flight and fight motion, to thinking in the final quarters, or pulling the unthinkable out within the winding seconds continues to mold me. My sense of control in my uncontrollable life, and environment has finally caught up with me. I am relinquishing my ties to all feelings and need be moments of control. I am gathering up all of my strenth and mastering my mind and emotions as is. I am allowing my intuition to guide me through, my common sense to answer my questioned moments in time, and also, my faith and belief set to reveal what I know works out best and is better for me.

So with releasing control, I am honoring an emotion I constantly speak of. I am acknowledging my feelings and how I express myself and relay and relate myself with and to others. As passionately and intimately open as I can be, I must also realize the benefits and perks of allowing me to feel me. I say this with a background coming from pleasing others prior to addressing my needs. Allowing others to feel emotionally balanced, while I am left stumbling and falling and looking all over the world for what I continue to desire, but what I still have not shared and known. I look for the answers in what I bring to you, but I am not resloving a damned thing for what I am feeling and experiencing. So now I am opening my eyes as we passionately share kisses. I am watching you undress me, and stare at me as I lay my head onto your pillow. The moment I start thinking about the perfectness, and what needs to be felt, kissed, followed up with and chased with -I will quiet that noise. I will only listen to my passionate moans, and for each moan my back will arch, my neck will turn to the side. I want to say my name. Damnit I will spell out my name. Ever been so entranced and intoxicated and lost in self? Well I am aiming for that pleasing moment. Pleasured to the P is what I am expecting and feeling for.

C-O-N-T-R-O-L
Centered Obession naturally triggered remotely obtained logic. Hmmm I broke this word down to what I believe applies to my relationship with control. My inability to break free from assumed thoughts and patterns has left me centered. Literally centered. So now I am choosing right, and left. Up and down. I am leaving this relationship. Control you have no jurisdiction over me anymore.

Lesson Sixty Seven: Got to break free
It's as liberating as taking off your bra right after a long days of work, or cutting your hair and running your hands from top to bald bottom. I am in need of a jolt of something, and that something remains to be with freedom. I continue to tell myself that everything will occur as is, and if nothing happens instantly well I dont have to fret. Life presents itself as need be, and for that I am thankful and welcome a change of life.

The things people will do to get a rise from you...

So my yesterday starts back the return to reality and normalcy. Memorial weekend was an enjoyable, and relaxing weekend out of New York City, however, it wasnt the best of vacations and time away spent, but it was something to do, and a moment in time I was away from troubles and stressors. So now I come back to the hustle and bustle of NYC. The fast pace and the interesting occurences in life, and people featured in our lives. I walk in my office space and am clouded by the feelings of just wanting to walk out the front door with a one way ticket somewhere. So as I sit back onto my office chair, I am replaying the events of the days that passed before my eyes into my mind. I am literally calling out for that one moment that I can hold onto forever, but it never occurred and happened. I was disappointed that mutual emotions can easily disslove literally in under a minute.

I start seeing my clients, and reporting my loggings for the day. I am thinking of ten to twenty ways to rescue a particular family and amend a client situation, but I return back to the time spent away. I felt as if I was caged away, and supressed. I started to think about what exactly I was returning home to? What was I searching and looking for? Could I possibly up and move to another state and find whatever I am missing and needing? Is it possible to plan out your life path and follow it? Or being led blindly into the daily in's and out's of life is whats to be expected and desired for? With so many question I had no answers or responses back that fulfilled my need to open up and expand more. I did not have that reoccuring dream, which featured unlimited answers, and opened up for me the potential and all the possibilities I have hoped and dreamed for. So as I revisited my moment in time where I was suspended in inanimate space I was left with no images and answers.

So now I am at work day dreaming yet again and feeling the slights and disappointments. The sense of unattained accomplishments, while others bask in their delights and happiness and contentment. I think to myself as always "why should I be upset, I should be mindful and thoughtful and grateful for each and everything I have recieved", however, I am still stinging from life's slights, and the people who appear in them. I walk into the looks and the stares and attitudes of people who have a dislike for me. I look into their eyes with nonchalance and no cares as well. It's a mutual feeling. On my breaks my mind continues to reel, and although I am able to provide continued services and assistance for my clients the question still remains "Why am I here?" "Whats my purpose"? "Just leave"!

So my day miraculosly floats before me. I am blessed to be able to have a friend who I can find solace in and with, and someone whom I enjoy spending time with. I enjoyed our talks and she is an amazing person. We meet up and throw up the days stressors, and all the issues experienced and faced within our 9-5's. As we bask on the benches, over looking a section of Brooklyn Heights that remains beautiful, untouched and historically important and severely inflated priced. We watch the sun as it sets, and we then get up to make out way towards Montague street. We pass a few restaurants with their over priced burgers and ambiance, we giggle and laugh about life, and how today we have the fuck it's, so why not live it up. As soon as the mood begins to creep towards enjoyably good, I bump into a distant memory.

She was a decent person, someone whom I worked with. Someone whose history wasn't up for debate, however, at the time their now represented something powerful, pulling and definitely someone to look up to in a motivating factor. So she addressed me as if I really didn't exist, and she acknowledged my friend, who I formerly worked with (thats how we developed the friendship), as if we never worked together, and I was just the friend that happened to be there. I was distracted, and easily uncomfortable with the conversation. I honestly began looking deep into myself and feel a sense of unaccomplishment, almost a feeling that I wasnt even entitled to be privy to the quick meet and greet. I was then feeling a sour way about a relatives successful completion of her course work and studies. I felt yet again that I was being left out of the group and bunch. I internalized so much until I literally was feeling sick, but then I snapped out of the feeling and moment and just took a deep breath! I needed to.

When I look at each and everything I have achieved individually and with the assistance of family and friends, I continue to count my blessings. I also know that life has not valuted me from here to there for nothing, and at no cost. There is more for me to experience and see. I began to have hope, and I felt a lot better about myself and the upcoming day. I decided to push the grid a little more, try a lot harder and continue. I can achieve just as much as I want to, when I want to and exactly how I want to. I am blessed and truly fortunate. Everything experienced and given and shown to me has symbolism.

So as I released these emotions of yesterday, I released the emotions of today. Developing a hard skin and not allowing others to take over you and on you is something I intend to accomplish.

Emotional release.....

So reading an email from a beloved family member allowed me to see everything that was set fourth for me. I am awaiting too much and expecting too much, allowing something to occur is not just coincidental, but it's within the life's plan I wrote for myself as I entered this world. A stoic believer in karma and dharma and everything that occurs will either repeat itself, or find a clever way to repeat itself. So I am finally (after so many entries) opening up and being entirely honest and naked to all. My fears are prevalent, but they are not suffocating me, and I am not succumbing to the darkness. I am marching forward and pressing through.

Lesson Sixty-Six: Test those waters.
A simple spalsh is not whats necessary and needed. A major dive and belly flop is whats wanted. The need to be pessimistic and quiet, and just patiently awaiting for something to occur might be what the doctor ordered. As with the transitions of my blogs, I am now seeing that life outside of one region and subject remains fufilling and interesting. Something I need, and needed for so long. I continue to thank god for all of the amazing experiences my life has featured. Its like watching a broadway show. The curtains are up, Im ready to go!

So where do I go from here?

Back at it again....

Perhaps I have never stopped going forward. Just maybe I took the time to realize my life's plight and mission? Hmm....as I wonder aloud to myself! So initially I began discussing my up's and down's with life and the relationships I have experienced within my life. I felt like I was making waves and getting to reslovable points, but then another idea came over me. I decided that relationships and relationship woes is just a part of the pie and long term life plan. There is more to my life then searching for and seeking and securing a partnership with someone. There is more....the amazement and simplicity in just those three words. Interesting!

So my weekday started off in another state, weighing the pro's and con's of returning back home. I started to think of all the possibilities and reasons as to why I should reside in New Orleans long term, but then my reality came creeping back towards me and I felt the need to answer and respond to all I was experiencing and feeling yet again. My life continues to transition and change, and mold and shape to each new experience. I am like liquid cement, not yet in a solid state, but willing to be molded and guide to that structured fitting, but at this very moment I know I am not ready to be sized up just yet. So I learned the art of being appreciative of the fact that I was outside of my home, 900 miles away, I didn't see any reference to my present existence and life. I just was. Having the ability to just be continues to fascinate me, and also, encourage and inspire me to continue on as I seek fit and so. So in my time away I was able to appreciate my life, and just how I was living and experiencing my life. I continue to go back to how single life is sucky, and annoying and has it's moments, but as trying as these feelings and experiences may be, I still enjoy and enjoyed yesterday opening my apartment door to my apartment just how I left it. Laying in my bed and on my couch, lavishing in the minor to major details of just being me. That was romantic and intoxicating to an extent, but not enough.

Enters the work experience.....

At work doing what I do best, thinking outside of the box and making the most attempts to create my own boxes from nothing. I decided to start thinking about my professional writing journey, and also, event planning ideas. I meet and greet my clients, and chat with my co workers, but I remain distracted and taken away from my now. How and where do I begin this journey and living my dreams? What needs to occur and be put in place? Is it too late? Finding forever or finding right now? A lot of questions to answer and ponder all at once, however, I am looking forward to this new experiences that are to be place before me. I am seeking that sensation of being able to accomplish a tasked dreamed of and at times long forgotten. Blessed with the ability to blirt my mind bubbles. One by one popping! So perhaps writing, and recalling my feelings and bringing to light a reslove of sorts, and bringing to fruition my dreams and realities, I will then see clearly what my life has brought to me thus far, and continues to bring me. As always I am thankful and fortunate for my creative abilities. My writing is the cooling system to a long summers hot sun.

YOU.....
Can't be creative without a little or a lot of passion! So I am planning my next trip upcoming within the next 54 days. I want to utilize all of my senses this year, and especially during my favorite season, YES THE SUMMER. My mind, eyes, and heart and soul will be working over time and in unison. For those attempts I was too shy to make and experience, I will not pass on or up. For the people who can't hold my interest or emotional interest, I definitely wont entertain. I will soak up the summers seductive passions and hit as never before. Perhaps turning 3o has opened my mind up to regions never touched on before, however, passion continues to remain the major subject of interest, and I am an avid student willing and eager to learn.

A passionate exchange is what beckons me. From a long days of work, I call on this experience. I miss the moments and times of genuine and sincere affection. The moment when your bag touches the sofa, or when your partner hears you enter the room. To be enclosed in that space is like going straight to heaven. Kisses are warm and welcoming, and touches are to be desired and craved for. Emotional intimacy is just as welcoming and wanted as well. A good stimulating conversation that appeals to me on every level and kisses all senses. I miss the masculine scent of a man thats worked 8 hours, and wants nothing more then a hot meal, shower and me. The simplicity you read.....! I dream this, and am going to put this in place for my summer. Never before have I called on a passionate other to embrace and want me more, however, times calls for many a changes and transitions. I'm wanting, dreaming and day dreaming of these experiences and more....so there just has to be something to these dreams and nostalgic moments and more. Perhaps, just perhaps my summer love will be found. I am declaring war baby!

Lesson Sixty Five: It's all that counts
As little as you provide is as little as you will recieve. So I am pouring more out. I am expecting to recieve more back. I am giving myself a chance to not only dream passionatly, but live passionately. Everything we envision does not necessairly have to be fixed on one thing and one thing (person) only. Although we have those dreams, moments and feelings, a summation of ALL and I mean ALL counts for everything. So as I sit hear feeling like I dislike this job at this point in time, I dislike having to return back from my trip out of town yesterday, I then began to look at other apsects and points in my life that has held me down and completed me until now. Never a dull moment, and never an unappreciated day, because in someway everyday we are thankful, and for that it ALL counts!

Down time

Just being still and in the moment serves no particular purpose for me. My mind is active with many thoughts and possibilities, however, there is no game plan and follow up procedures prescribed.
I am in a relaxed and restful state, but I would not necessarily say I am at peace. The calm before a many storms? Yes, I can identify with that statement and support it whole hearted.
So where was I.......so now I was thinking of picking up entirely and starting anew. Leaving my someplace and birthplace as a distant memory. The moments experienced with friends and family and immediate loved ones will be the nostalgic dreams, feelings and sensations desired for. Could this idea be possible and come to fruition? Well I made a driven month attempt to go hard or go home motto, in my search for the new life and reality check I feel I needed. I applied for several jobs positions on a daily basis. I rewrote, revised, reissued and sent my cover letter and resume to many. I faxed and searched and searched and from all of that hard work, one employer contacted me back, asking if I could interview within the next couple of days. My luck being extraordinarily off the written path, didn't allow me to be able to make the interview. Of course I was kindly told that my resume would be held on file. So was that the stake to the heart needed to insure my future abilities at up and leaving New York as nonexistent as ever before? Hmmmm I wondered this to myself, but then I thought my fears of changing and transitioning and starting over bothered me. I have gotten use to just being and dealing with whatever was presented to me, because it was to be expected. The off the written and beaten path not necessarily worked well with me, and that I had a major problem with. It was and it is time for me to revamp and remake a new me, improved on the life basis of making my dreams and happiness come true, and for this I will continue to strive and push forward. My tomorrow looked better than ever before. My today continues to be in question, and my past has left me delirious and empty, so why wouldn't I strive for more.

So as I continue to contemplate my life, a growing sadness overcomes me. In this time of go it alone, do it alone and live on your own, I am left holding all within. I never felt the need of needing someone until recently. I feel like being held, caressed and coddled all at once. I feel the need to look into my partners eyes and feel assured that everything is going to be ok. The safety net and secure feeling is what's missing for me. I truly understand that I am able to do and complete life things individually, but my heart isn't always in the independent state of mind. So as I attempt to draw connections out of others, look for that compatibility link and by all means make numerous attempts to draw from them, I am still left empty, and holding it all in. They say laughter is the best medicine for all times, however, my tears make me believe I exist. My. Loser off heart is crying to be in loved and loved again. Is this signs of returning to the lovers battlefield? I don't know, but what I do know is that my tears are warm......

Lesson sixty four: You can never be stuck for too long.....
Although my mind and heart are fluttering and overwhelmed at the same time, I know this down period exists for a reason. The lesson to be learned is that in my stillness, I remain able and aware to continue in forward and further in life. To base everything on experiences and guided passions in life. To have the ability to think life throughly through, and respond with an action remains the mystery. Search, but never forget the dedication and progress that has been made from now until then. In this down time, all answers will free your mind.

Leap of faith-

If you had the ability to take everything for what it was worth and at face value, would you? There is nothing at face value for me anymore. Everything that is presenting itself, remains everything that I need and want. I am ready and eager to accept it all. Whatever it is still remains the questionable pink elephant in the room. Fighting the ability to remain on the straight and narrow, fighting the ability to remain conscious of whatever I am committed to, and whatever I have to focus on. The stressors and the struggles that we all face, remain ever so present, but I am denouncing it. I look life and the stressors and serious responsibilities in the face and take on each problem individually. If it's not one thing, there will always remain another. I have presented this blog from my romantic and relationship woes, life viewpoints and minds eyes, written openly and honestly. I fear no intrusions of someone attempting to change and transition my life any further. Battle scarred, and daring the world to continue to push and press me further.
So I wait. I wait on life to not pass me by any longer. I don't wait on a particular dream to in theory, not come true. I patiently wait as I put and place evering together. One life piece at a time. My biggest fear is not succeeding, and I shall succeed.
So the dreams I must make and find a way to fulfill. My desires and passions are what pulls and not pushes me away.

Finding a way.......
As I got on the plane heading to New Orleans, I decided to make my best attempts at forgetting rit now, and living for the dreamed of tomorrow. I am situating myself on a better note. A note never played or heard by myself. A note that is even foreign to someone's musical ears. So I am challenging myself to dare to dream hard and long. To live each day as an adventure. Thankful for everything I recieve, and am blessed with. Thankful for the guiding tools of people who enter my life. Every person is a life lesson, teaching and guiding me on building a better me. So each moment in time and person experienced I welcome. I invite you to take part in my life and growth spasms. My growing pains and moments in time where I am limitless, and assumed lifeless, but I am hopeful and mindful and always in a state of life lesson learned, I welcome it all. Dressing my mind and spacing myself from defeat.

Romantically challenged....
I dre say that I am not looking for love in all the wrong places. Actually I am ready for that soul connection, however, I am not done with my life mission. I know there is something more fulfilling and satisfying out there for me. Life is a teaser, but there is more left to her! So taking my time and slowly going forward. Enjoying the dates, the encounters, and also, the love left, lost and free to experience. I normally would be in a state of finding the ideal mate and right person, however, there is neither a right or an entirely wrong person. Eeryone has something that will attract you and also peeve you, however, nothing is set in stone, and pressure is whatever we make it. I take a stance from someone who has compromised herself many a days and times in my life. That little girl who grew from an emotionally indifferent upbringing, to an almost gypsy-flower child love masses and forget self state. I was Braisen, emotionally enchanting and cold all at once. This took an enormous amount of time and consumed my poisioned heart, but then again I survived and made it to here.....my now, and yet I welcome it and all, with a sense of ease, emotional intelligence and the ability to self reflect and write each and every experienced emotion. I welcome it.....

Lesson Sixty Three: Take time to let life in.
I am taking this moment to let everything out. Eerything as in all emotional feelings, moments in time and precious drawing experiences that is presenting itself to me. Everything matters and counts. Veering is built on a learning curve, which flows within us. Even during our down times and down sides in life, we are truly fortunate and able to come through the rubbles and at times life ashes. For this, I am grateful. Fr this I am opening my mind and life's eyes to all. I welcome it.

Im ready for you!

I was born for you……

Dear transitional me….I am writing you this letter to let you know that although you have fears, and also, possible self sabotaging tendencies; you will make it through and be ok. If you think about it, life is a fairy tale, constantly being written and re-written. Your dreams are lived out vicariously through your resting soul from 12 am until 6am. Your fears, inhibitions and humanistic tendencies to remain safe, stable and uninterrupted, all of these experiences and feelings are to be laid to rest. I am writing you to let you know that you will reach out to yourself, and be the stable stall worth figure I know you to be. Your fears, trials and tribulations are to be eased, as you make your way through this world. I am telling you that one year of your life is not a lifetime. Taking a day to rest and think is easily approved and smiled upon, even taking one to two weeks of vacation is to be expected, but a year of your time rattles your brain, causing rampant feelings of anxieties and insecurities. Face them I say. Challenge yourself. A year is nothing, but a blink in your life. A life that has been through sacrifices, loss of love, family members and at times life stability. I struggled. I cringed whenever I couldn’t find a way to make ends meet, however, I made it through these rough times, and I am standing tall and still. So what makes this time any different than before? So you….I write to you asking you to be free with your mind and thoughts, to allow yourself to experience and dream and sacrifice. Begin anew, re-create and balance you. Count all of your blessings and continue to have faith and dream. I am living within a battle immersed is my soul in my modern day reality. As I step fourth I break free, as free as I am I still am bounded by life lessons and assumed fates, but slowly and surely I am moving forward. So you as I write this and you as you read this challenge and dare yourself. Transcend and transform. Creativity is the key, optimism is the medicine required to continue the movement. Stray you will never be. Easily forgotten and impossible to see, you will never be. Realistically fluent, gifted and blessed you will always be.

Chasing you……
There is more of a pull behind this move. There is more of a need to be there. New Orleans has beckoned and called me. In her most dire times and pained memories, I researched and read up on her, and finally graced Louis Armstrong airport with my appearance and most recent heartfelt thoughts to the musical inclined, mystical city. Her charm and color and traumatic and triumphant history calls to me. Trapped and captivated was my heart and soul by the cities mysticism. My eyes lit up as a child’s eyes on Christmas day. As I walked Canal and Bourbon streets, in the heart of the French Quarters I began searching. I have no idea what exactly I was searching for, but the calm and solemn came into my heart and mind. I began to ease my mind and my life’s mind of the daily burdens and stressor that has inhabited me as I resided in New York City. Although this was a brief week trip out of my hectic everyday in my life, I made this retreat feel as if it was a lifetime enjoyment. Passing the tourist and natives on the street, hearing the twang of the legendary Cajun talk. I felt at home and at ease, so as I lay myself to sleep at while I was resting in my queen –sized hotel bed I said “One day I will come back home”. To myself I considered New Orleans home already. I already began to envision myself awaking to a morning in New Orleans, walking to the local hang out spot for breakfast, legs crossed, sipping my mocha café, listening to select jazz tunes of local and imports to the city. Walking in the misty, humid and rain dewed city of downtown New Orleans. Bopping to the beat of my own drums.
2010 provided many tremendous blessed trips and I visited New Orleans and fell back in love with her. In 2011 I decided that we aren’t to be far or away from each other any longer or anymore. I am courting the city that slips its visitors into intoxicating trances. I am courting an uncertain, unplanned and thrown into the middle of it all type of future. I am asking for you to be gentle and kind with me for there is something beckoning to me in the dark……

So as I enter an unknown world and experience I know that you wait for me. I also know that you continue to desire and want me. I also know that you are my destiny, throughout all the trials and tribulations and struggles you have made it clear to me that you need me and I need you. I am appreciative and blessed to have you in my life and in my heart, continuing to guide me throughout these experiences. You are the shadow that casts no clouds over my existence. You assist me and further my intentions on success. You bring out the biggest and brightest me. For that I am thankful. Although I endless chase the ones who deserve nothing but a passing by gesture from me, you continue to remain patient and responsive. I cut off all communications with you, but you welcome a month(s) delayed text back with opened arms. Your love has risen and rose for me, and for that I am coming home.

Lesson Sixty Two: Let life guide and direct you…..
Life continues to belt out many ranges of happenings, however, each life lesson is received many ways, and for this lesson I need to be mindful of everything that’s being shown and given to me. I am taking the necessary leaps and risks to see something be attained and come to fruition. Opening your heart and mind, and releasing the tension and stress is opening a pathway of acceptance and beginning to the beautiful aspects of the stagnant held life we all maintain on a daily basis. Why remain unkind to our dreams. Turning everything received into a reality and for that I am hopeful.

A tumultuous change………

So the pathway for transition and change is being put forward. In order for me to get that illusive “something” and “someone” I must SEEK and search for “it”. So with that being said the release of the old and the entrance of the new appeals to me more and more. Life continues to teach me the many lessons that need to be learned. I am seeking no excuses or life passes, just continued guidance and perfection of all of the learned lessons, to finally completion and the ability to enjoy the many moments and more.
So as I venture to him, I am wondering just exactly what are my motivations? I am driven to him by simple interest, the need to feel a connection, and also, much anticipated relaxation and down time from New York City. The hustle and bustle of my hometown no longer excites me as before. I am left cold in the loud, lit up noisy at times nights. I am pacing back and fourth attempting to figure out where exactly am I going? Although my life path and patterns are up in the air at the moment, my heart path is situated and read to sail forward. I can’t make any emotions occur over night. I can’t pretend to feel something I have hardly experienced with you. I can however, take the time to develop and find out where exactly I stand with you. Is it me, or does everyone initially jump the broom and figure out the sweeping assignments later on during the relationship?
I am constantly telling myself that nothing is over night, and nothing can be rushed and created in a span of a few days. We are sensitive and emotional beings, and our individual needs and wants varies, as well as our love, desire and affections for others. Life will continue to present a series of maybe’s, possibly, and just on time type individuals of your particular interest, however, we must not lose that notion, and enthusiasm in our attempts at trying and seeking others out……

A SPEECH for all?
So as I clean and clear away all paths that have blocked me, I am left wondering where exactly I am off to on this set journey? I recently made a decision to be more family oriented personally. It’s time that I take on my own responsibilities, and birth the most joyous package in the world a woman can receive. So all of the thoughts of family life, actively dating, but really making my thoughts and feelings clear about the type of relationship I am looking forward to, and the type of mate I am desiring to experience and be with……IT’s as if a jumble of life just spewed forth on the computer screen, but as long winded as that appears, the short winded version continues to tell me…..”where exactly am I going”?
So a new change of surroundings, a different life style and setting, a new take on life and how I want others to see and view me personally, and a new introspective look at my passions, desires and appeals towards my mate. The shadowed figure of a man who continues to haunt me. No longer plagues me. No longer assaulting my senses with dreams filled with passion, eroticism, pregnant desires and marriage and commitment desires. I can smell him now. I await for him now. I am ready for your love. For my love has transcended it all.

Lesson Sixty One: A CHANGE IS GOING TO COME….

So as I embark on the latest obsession of figuring this life of mine out, I can only smile and nod my head in acceptance of these changes. I nod out of contentment and pleasure. I am passionately driven to excel and exceed and love harder and longer. My fears of commitments and down playing of failed and superficial relationships are being amended. My honesty in my wording and truth in my heart continues to guide me forward. Pushed am I to the limit. Back to the wall. Heart below my sleeve. It is the sign of a changing time. I love me more than ever before. I am ready for life and love. I will continue to write about the struggles and stressors in my life. I will continue to exercise my emotions and hearts in a written nature. My medical resolve and therapeutic outlet.