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Showing posts from 2011

Entertaining my reality.....

I could simply go with your flow and forget all assumed life plans and options and just be as one with you.....I could awake with no cares, no love lost or a cost to my condition I imposed on myself. I wouldn't even question or consider my drastic reality check and life choice. I would do, and be....What a dream! As I awoke from this Zombie like life state, I only imagined just how and why I came to that reality and life answer. All I could think about was simplifying my life, and taking a short cut. Life has truly been amazing and a blessing for me, but it has been anything but easy. Yes, I live a good life, been through tumultuous and at times heart breaking changes. You tire of being Macguyver 24/7 and you yearn for consistent stability. Life has afforded me several options, all with no life raft or seat belt, and as I venture forward to investigate each offering, I am parachuted to the next bumpy ride. No matter how amazing and awesome the experience, I have come out of each a…

I believe.....

In just a span of two weeks life literally changed before my eyes. I was stressed and strained, broken down and broken hearted. Lonely at nights and in a dazed stance during the days. Wishing as always that my dreams would come true. A lover to come home to, a creative and productive career to awake to and in the middle and mean time red faced, loud and cackling children to cherish and share my life with. Oh how I believed this life was meant for me. The life to love and live and set me free. Feelings of a self imposed zombie state has forced me to deny my reality. Altruistic tendencies has further drawn me away. I can not see, hear or think straight. Everything bothers me or troubles me, relationships once loved are lost all over again......what am I to believe anymore?All I could think of in times of my distress were lyrics from a Jay-Z song "And they pray and pray on my downfall....." Each word echoed volumes and reaonated deep inside. Something I so desparately sought wa…

In change comes answers.....

I am learning a lot about myself. With your back against the wall your mind and visual length expands. I am seeing that although I have enjoyed my solitude time, my career endeavours and the times well spent with family and friends; I still feel a sense of loneliness. Those gloomy nights when nothing can be read, viewed on TV or overly prayed upon to calm your nerves. The longing and need for your paramours touch trumps all previously addressed and spoken about.
It's winter and I'm cold. My heart is frozen amongst many warming hands, or potential romantically peaked interests who assume they have the key to melting an embedded frozen heart. Do I stab them with an eerily cold embrace, or do I await the tingling pricking sensation of being awoken again?
Is all lifes problems resloved with a flippant attitude? How am I escaping this situation? Does my great deceptive tactics go hand in hand with my need to be free, or do I finally have my moment where there is nothing behind me…

The walls up high.

There is a barrier that surrounds me. It's impenetrable, its impossible to bypass. It remain illusive to all, but once tapped into it becomes the pink elephant in a white walled washed room. Me shallow? Me timid? Two distincts but ever so distant descriptions of me. You wonder why I am the way I am? You wonder why I love so openly, but close down my heart and all feelings and emotions associated with my heart so tightly? Will you ever know why I hurt so? Will I even allow you a chance to get to know me truly, madly and deeply? I counter a question with another question. I dodge maybe with perhaps so. I run away from prominent and potential to fall hopelessly and madly in love with no care or concern. I cheat with broken hearted and stay in bed with disillusioned........Our connection is strong. Our love is there, but am I there? A lapse in time and any given space will not be enough....nothing is never enough as it seems. I feel drowned. I feel.as of I'm falling into that hexe…

I hope you read this......

You will never know what moved me. You will never know what inspired me. You will always assume so much about me, my life, my inconsistent world. You will always wonder what part or role you played in my life.......I will never aspire to answer to you no longer. My creativity and ability to intermix a story or  a scence, a passionate exchange and experience be it yesterday or yesteryear....has afforded me the opportunity to turn life memories into untimely, uncharted and unorganized memoirs. Throwing a written declaration back at me was the lowest of all lows. You stalk my writings as if they were uniquely written for you. Rather than speaking to me and expressing your interest in what I wrote, you attempted to use it against me. The relationship I once assumed could be solid, but had kinks in it, but eventually it would run its course and work out ....no longer appears as so. I look at you with a blank face. It's like going behind someone's back and using information against …

In the mean time

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I'm waiting on my friend to arrive for our lunch meet up. The rain and cold air brings into mind all the momentus happenings in my life, and for that I must say Thank You.
Thank You for the patience and kindness.
Thank you for your understanding and guidiance with me and for me. Thank you for the ability to be humble. Seek solace in humility, honesty in my discomfort and trusting of my ability to transcend my biggest fears. Life is meant to research and explore, experience and face.
I am happier being still and awaiting centered guidiance. No choice is the perfect and at times best choice, but its a learning experience meant to be explored and expressed.
I am thankful for the ability to be in the moment. Lover of life and that which is explored!
Thank You!

Mastering the human emotions

Forced to transition and change with the times! That is exactly what I am facing and experiencing. I can no longer just be or go through life just making it, I can not even hold my head high enough to float above the shallow waters that continually drown me. I must look beyond the horizons and embedded skyline. I must see further then before. I am now in a situation where I hope to dream small and live bigger. Rather than dream large and maintain the small. The middle space is no longer comfortable or spacious to me anymore. I need to change. Having never felt this pressure to transition and change in such a short condensed time, but an experience that will wash over all of my life time has hit me now. I was fighting it and making my most attempts to ignore it, but it has led me astray and backwards. I feel as if I made my spontaneous life leaps to only be pushed down into the sand. This sand is neither light or welcoming and appears eager to encase me.....So I am running away from li…

The butterflies or the anxiety flies?

So the newness has taken over me. I am definitely not complaining at all, in fact I am absolutely looking forward (at times) to the new experiences and what not, however, when one is taken with the start of something new, you become almost consumed in the fresh feeling that anything off putting, upsetting, bothersome and off becomes heightened to the tenth degree. So I am batteling the nerves and just generally trying not to think too much. I question normalcy and assumed normal roles within the dating and relating schemes. I mean seriously is it really this hard to date and relate, or am I just that much out of the loop and self absorbed to take note of the pro's and con's in the dating world. The likes and dislikes and assorted flavors of behavior! So much to learn and absorb. So As I enter the dating world my head remains steady and line of vision focused, but my emotional sleeves and armour isn't sturdy enough!

Recent daydreams and daymares as I like to call have caused…

Where do I go from here

Cold feet appears to be my best bet and best friend. I ask myself am I destined and doomed to feelings of uninterest, measured entertainiment of others, and potential down falls of inconsistenacy. I break off a headche of a friendship and whirlwind of a relationship, because I simply can not take the feeling of not being actively involved, in love and beyond the bed sheets living. Am I wrong for wanting more than the assumed norms of a woman's routine with a male mate? Can I simply just have an interest? Must the opposite sex be motivated by one's physical appearance, which later triggers a response inwhich should I play into, I will be defined and destned to just another pleasure piece on the endless board of loved games. I definitely don't want to play anymore, however, I find myself entertaining the bull shit.

So at this moment I am entirely in a cloud. My thoughts and mind stay far from the ground. It's as if I want to forget each and everyone, and begin anew, but …

When one door closes, another door opens

I am not surprised that our door finally closed. I am only questioning myself as to why I allowed our door to remain open. I continued to see the signs of our decaying relationship and friendship. As the dust settled, and the text messages dwindled, our contact, and on my end need for additional with you definitely decreased. As I wrote out my feelings in my journal, I continued to question everything about me and my idea of dating and pursuing a positive and productive relationship. I reasoned with myself as to why our relationship would improve, and that although you looked great on paper, in person you hardly measured up to the human eye. I pressed myself to want you, but I gradually started disliking you. The more you talked, the more I countered you. The more you texted, the more reason to just not reply and delete you, but as with everything life and kicking people out of your life is never so simple and easy. So I stayed with the notion, well assumed notion that everything betw…

Oh I do Declare!

Perhaps life was always meant to be a challenge, a challenge within a race of never ending torments on my soul. I say this with ease and a smile, but then again I say this with a troubled mindset. My inability to just roll with life and just go has left me open to everything and anything. Have I reached the point of no return, or can I hit the panic button repeatedly and await assistance in this murky mess!
I have not updated my blog as of recently because so much has changed, occurred and happened within a span of 30 plus days. I ventured to an exotic island of delight and surprise, and almost went with my carnal and most intimate needs and wants, however, I refrained from going further because I was awaiting something and someone in response. Barely after touching back to New York City from Bridgetown Barbados, a call from a familiar stranger filtered through my system. He awoken all my needs and wants and hopes and desires, and a sense of distress and almost panic at the disco kicke…

Making minor waves.......Tsunami you say?

The week has went entirely by me. I have had major highs and extreme loves all in the span of an entire 7 day stretch. So the idea of leaving New York is enticing me. I am being romanticized no longer by the limitations the Big Apple has captivated me with. I am no longer wearing my blinders. The sky is the limit, and if I continue to look up and away I will never stop moving. So New Jersey beckons to me, and I welcome her in my life. I have made the ultimate commute and sacrifice to transition to and from work and social activities, and then turn around and go back "home" to New Jersey. I have always had wonderfully relaxing times and experiences in New Jersey, so why not test the waters again.

As quick as time, I contacted my cousin and made the choice to leave New York City, Brooklyn to be exact! Behind. I decided that there is more to my life then living in a ratty old neighborhood, doomed with decimal abusers, and also, party peoples all over the corners and streets. I…

Routine

So I am falling into myself as never before. Well perhaps as before, but more defined and pretty much open to changes and transitions, as never before. Routine....I have a few, but then again I don't stick to the same routines I have developed.

So my dreamed about vacation, and break from New York City living occured. I along with my two best friends vacationed in Barbados. We stayed at an amazing resort, which not only catered to our needs, wants and all included desires; the vacation allowed us to simply be and live unstressed, and as relaxed as possible. I was exposed to a different, but familial and familiar culture of exotic peoples. The weather battered us, but brought us out and about in at times torrential rains. I truly enjoyed being in a tropical location, able to see the vast and limitless skies, and able to rest and relax with balmy tempered waters. I slept well, ate well and was entertained well. I truly am feeling renewed.

So in my most renewed state my fantasies h…

Turn back the page...

So on with social newness, and upward mobility acts. Learning to enjoy simple company and amazing entertainment via friends, new friends and as always the lovely family. So decisions and choices have made up my weekday and weekend. I started off with my cleaning of my apartment and recollecting my past week. Sexcapades with a male I assumed I have serious love feelings for, sexcapades with a male whom I have this attraction and annoyance to and for, and lastly the closing of a toxic long distance relationship with an undiagnosed male, who unfortunately can not see the road to perdition, or the light at the end of the tunnel. So effected by his surroundings and childhood, he began damaging his interactions and relationships with others. I questioned myself, why did I stay and indure his sarcasm and mean spirited moments? Why did I allow myself to not see the detriment this particular male, and our on and off again relationship was causing? As always I can honestly say to myself "I…

Another Chapter Read........

It takes reading your life book to truly realize all the pages that have been turned and re read again and again. The book I am creating and authoring all myself. This book I envisioned a lot of changes and transitions and "do overs". So enters a closing of a life chapter that I am finally coming to terms with. Over the past two weeks I have finalized my summer vacation to Barbados with two of my best friends. I have accepted my love for someone I have harvested feelings for, become emotionally attached to in a years time, explored ideas and options and possible relationship thought set with my love interest, however, time and pain and life's reality settled in. I began to stop wanting what just could not happen and occur with him, and I began appreciating the friendship once again. Yes, we are still intimately connected, but it's not as costly as before. Love will always remain, but time has been of essence, and it has not prompted any further happenings, so I relea…

What matters to me the most

In a world where everything appears to be temporary, and easily discarded; I realized several things over my holiday weekend. One, I dislike my current career path and the stagnant feelings I have grown to just deal with, whenever work becomes drama filled with a side of headache and definite annoyance to go! I am not pleased with this sense of ease and accustomed uncomfort. In fact, it took being talked about by a co worker to realize just how easily one is here and gone the next day. Hearing someone describe me in a way that questioned my abilities, integrity and overall work performance, well it just burned my insides and steamed my vision. I decided on this fourth of July Holiday of 2011, independence will not only ring in memory of our nations most ardent and fought for battle of 1776, but independence will ring for me as I begin to renew, search, discover and embrace the person I am yet to fully visualize and be.

Secondary epiphany,my rocky and at times disdain for my love life a…

Believe in ME as I believe in YOU!

Another test in the ever pressing and constantly flowing changes in life. So I recently learned that when my fight or flight instincts kick in I can go one or two ways. Choosing the first initial way would occur something like this: I would decided to become upset, think irrationally and turn down all MacGuyver like ways to resolve the issue at hand. I would simply throw in the towel and look no further. My hopes and dreams and all prized possessions claimed up until now will simply dissolve and fade away into the back. The back of my mind would hold so much luggage of unused ideas, great escape attempts and also redeeming factors. A once firm believer in seeing something through regardless of whatever presenting factors occur, I would simply fade to black.

This quality and also first option is something I have grown accustomed to. I have grown to like disappointment and frustrations, and also, working with my back against the wall. I have learned to enjoy the bitter sweet response o…

For better or for worst?

So it is what it is appears to be the modern lingo for current happenings, broken happenings and past happenings in regards to what the hell is going on with my romantic world. It’s like I am in a crystal clear bubble, and I am looking out at each and every option I can possibly have and experience, however, nothing, no one, not even half of someone is catching my eyes of interest. Sometimes I wonder, and go right back to the ever pressing question “Is it me”. I would love to look each present and past lover in the face and just ask “What is it?” It appears that I continue to get swept up into the initial hype, but like a parade; it’s experienced, shouted out through and through and then over before you know it. Who’s cleaning up my progressed feelings and heart afterwards? Who is guiding me through these bumps in the road? As I look to my left and right, I see no one. All I can think about is where have all the cowboys gone! The Paul Cole songs blare in my mind and I start kicking to…

The build up!

As I exit from my work day, I think about the week that just past. The work week had the makings of a short worked week. I was thinking about how I will be prepping to leave for Barbados soon, and also, my impending 30th birthday and birthdate is steadily approaching. My happiness and contentment has been recieved and reached by me. Slowly, but surely improving my mindset and becoming emotionally grounded and open to new ventures and viewpoints in regards to life; I can only say thank you for the second wind.

So entering this new phase and moment in my lifetime; I can only sense "The build up". To what is developing and happening, I have no idea, but to where life appears to be streaming and going, the steady satisfaction and comfort in knowing my ability to work through my personal crisis, issues and problems. My ability to emotionally detach myself at a given time from some experiences and look at life realistically and at times logically. Being selfless and selfish are ke…

Monogomy over monotony?

This weekend I really had time to embrace myself and most intimate thoughts. What brought on these thoughts and more? Well I could actually specify one occurrence that opened up the flood gates of emotionally heart felt and not one lick of draining moments for me during my weekend.

So as Friday entered so did my long work week and all the feelings associated with not wanting to think about work, a work issue, a co worker, a client or impending Monday's reports due. All I wanted to do was be embraced. I really didn't have a set person(s) to be embraced by, however, all I wanted for was an experience outside of my recent Friday's. So I kicked back, hung out with my close friends, laughing and enjoying some decadent drinks, ambiance of the location we selected for the evening.

So as the enjoyment came through, I started to release the assumed pain. I started to think about the one who has continued to occupy my thought and heart. I really had this impression that he who capti…

Letting loose and veering towards no control.....

As of recently I have had a personal self discovery occur gradually over time, and then instantaneously throughout my entire weekend. I decided that I can not predict, make miracles, wishes and dreams all come true as planned in my lifetime. Although I am expecting a many good things and uncommon occurences to happen, I am now under the impression that if they should happen, ninety nine percent of the time the occurences will not follow as planned and I am finally ok with that.

What led to this moment, and many little self discoveries was my admission to myself about my need(s) at times to remain in control, have a set sense of self and balance, and be able to walk upright with no issues or problems in between. I was expecting no side bars, notations or even edits and life overhauling. I genuininly believed that I can have slight changes, and bumps occur, but nothing too common and routine. I was wrong.....

My transitions and fight with my life has weighed me down. I was under the impr…

The things people will do to get a rise from you...

So my yesterday starts back the return to reality and normalcy. Memorial weekend was an enjoyable, and relaxing weekend out of New York City, however, it wasnt the best of vacations and time away spent, but it was something to do, and a moment in time I was away from troubles and stressors. So now I come back to the hustle and bustle of NYC. The fast pace and the interesting occurences in life, and people featured in our lives. I walk in my office space and am clouded by the feelings of just wanting to walk out the front door with a one way ticket somewhere. So as I sit back onto my office chair, I am replaying the events of the days that passed before my eyes into my mind. I am literally calling out for that one moment that I can hold onto forever, but it never occurred and happened. I was disappointed that mutual emotions can easily disslove literally in under a minute.

I start seeing my clients, and reporting my loggings for the day. I am thinking of ten to twenty ways to rescue a …

So where do I go from here?

Back at it again....

Perhaps I have never stopped going forward. Just maybe I took the time to realize my life's plight and mission? Hmm....as I wonder aloud to myself! So initially I began discussing my up's and down's with life and the relationships I have experienced within my life. I felt like I was making waves and getting to reslovable points, but then another idea came over me. I decided that relationships and relationship woes is just a part of the pie and long term life plan. There is more to my life then searching for and seeking and securing a partnership with someone. There is more....the amazement and simplicity in just those three words. Interesting!

So my weekday started off in another state, weighing the pro's and con's of returning back home. I started to think of all the possibilities and reasons as to why I should reside in New Orleans long term, but then my reality came creeping back towards me and I felt the need to answer and respond to all I w…

Down time

Just being still and in the moment serves no particular purpose for me. My mind is active with many thoughts and possibilities, however, there is no game plan and follow up procedures prescribed.
I am in a relaxed and restful state, but I would not necessarily say I am at peace. The calm before a many storms? Yes, I can identify with that statement and support it whole hearted.
So where was I.......so now I was thinking of picking up entirely and starting anew. Leaving my someplace and birthplace as a distant memory. The moments experienced with friends and family and immediate loved ones will be the nostalgic dreams, feelings and sensations desired for. Could this idea be possible and come to fruition? Well I made a driven month attempt to go hard or go home motto, in my search for the new life and reality check I feel I needed. I applied for several jobs positions on a daily basis. I rewrote, revised, reissued and sent my cover letter and resume to many. I faxed and searched and sea…

Leap of faith-

If you had the ability to take everything for what it was worth and at face value, would you? There is nothing at face value for me anymore. Everything that is presenting itself, remains everything that I need and want. I am ready and eager to accept it all. Whatever it is still remains the questionable pink elephant in the room. Fighting the ability to remain on the straight and narrow, fighting the ability to remain conscious of whatever I am committed to, and whatever I have to focus on. The stressors and the struggles that we all face, remain ever so present, but I am denouncing it. I look life and the stressors and serious responsibilities in the face and take on each problem individually. If it's not one thing, there will always remain another. I have presented this blog from my romantic and relationship woes, life viewpoints and minds eyes, written openly and honestly. I fear no intrusions of someone attempting to change and transition my life any further. Battle scarred, a…

Im ready for you!

I was born for you……

Dear transitional me….I am writing you this letter to let you know that although you have fears, and also, possible self sabotaging tendencies; you will make it through and be ok. If you think about it, life is a fairy tale, constantly being written and re-written. Your dreams are lived out vicariously through your resting soul from 12 am until 6am. Your fears, inhibitions and humanistic tendencies to remain safe, stable and uninterrupted, all of these experiences and feelings are to be laid to rest. I am writing you to let you know that you will reach out to yourself, and be the stable stall worth figure I know you to be. Your fears, trials and tribulations are to be eased, as you make your way through this world. I am telling you that one year of your life is not a lifetime. Taking a day to rest and think is easily approved and smiled upon, even taking one to two weeks of vacation is to be expected, but a year of your time rattles your brain, causing rampant feel…

A tumultuous change………

So the pathway for transition and change is being put forward. In order for me to get that illusive “something” and “someone” I must SEEK and search for “it”. So with that being said the release of the old and the entrance of the new appeals to me more and more. Life continues to teach me the many lessons that need to be learned. I am seeking no excuses or life passes, just continued guidance and perfection of all of the learned lessons, to finally completion and the ability to enjoy the many moments and more.
So as I venture to him, I am wondering just exactly what are my motivations? I am driven to him by simple interest, the need to feel a connection, and also, much anticipated relaxation and down time from New York City. The hustle and bustle of my hometown no longer excites me as before. I am left cold in the loud, lit up noisy at times nights. I am pacing back and fourth attempting to figure out where exactly am I going? Although my life path and patterns are up in the air at the…