Letting loose and veering towards no control.....

As of recently I have had a personal self discovery occur gradually over time, and then instantaneously throughout my entire weekend. I decided that I can not predict, make miracles, wishes and dreams all come true as planned in my lifetime. Although I am expecting a many good things and uncommon occurences to happen, I am now under the impression that if they should happen, ninety nine percent of the time the occurences will not follow as planned and I am finally ok with that.

What led to this moment, and many little self discoveries was my admission to myself about my need(s) at times to remain in control, have a set sense of self and balance, and be able to walk upright with no issues or problems in between. I was expecting no side bars, notations or even edits and life overhauling. I genuininly believed that I can have slight changes, and bumps occur, but nothing too common and routine. I was wrong.....

My transitions and fight with my life has weighed me down. I was under the impression that there would be nothing standing in my way. The only doors I would be opening were the doors that I pictured before me. For each door opened, I knew exactly what was behind them. Hell I made everything into what it needed and did not need to be in regards to my life, and for that I see my faults and findings and life discontenetment starting to settle within me now.

My fears have plagued and paralysed me. The constant need to be in control, and be aware of my surroundings has blinded me. I am saying that it's ok to go throughout life with a plan, but having that tight reign and need to reel everything within, and control and have life go accordingly just isn't cut out for me. I am facing my truth, and well it looks like living on the edge, and in constant flight and fight motion, to thinking in the final quarters, or pulling the unthinkable out within the winding seconds continues to mold me. My sense of control in my uncontrollable life, and environment has finally caught up with me. I am relinquishing my ties to all feelings and need be moments of control. I am gathering up all of my strenth and mastering my mind and emotions as is. I am allowing my intuition to guide me through, my common sense to answer my questioned moments in time, and also, my faith and belief set to reveal what I know works out best and is better for me.

So with releasing control, I am honoring an emotion I constantly speak of. I am acknowledging my feelings and how I express myself and relay and relate myself with and to others. As passionately and intimately open as I can be, I must also realize the benefits and perks of allowing me to feel me. I say this with a background coming from pleasing others prior to addressing my needs. Allowing others to feel emotionally balanced, while I am left stumbling and falling and looking all over the world for what I continue to desire, but what I still have not shared and known. I look for the answers in what I bring to you, but I am not resloving a damned thing for what I am feeling and experiencing. So now I am opening my eyes as we passionately share kisses. I am watching you undress me, and stare at me as I lay my head onto your pillow. The moment I start thinking about the perfectness, and what needs to be felt, kissed, followed up with and chased with -I will quiet that noise. I will only listen to my passionate moans, and for each moan my back will arch, my neck will turn to the side. I want to say my name. Damnit I will spell out my name. Ever been so entranced and intoxicated and lost in self? Well I am aiming for that pleasing moment. Pleasured to the P is what I am expecting and feeling for.

Centered Obession naturally triggered remotely obtained logic. Hmmm I broke this word down to what I believe applies to my relationship with control. My inability to break free from assumed thoughts and patterns has left me centered. Literally centered. So now I am choosing right, and left. Up and down. I am leaving this relationship. Control you have no jurisdiction over me anymore.

Lesson Sixty Seven: Got to break free
It's as liberating as taking off your bra right after a long days of work, or cutting your hair and running your hands from top to bald bottom. I am in need of a jolt of something, and that something remains to be with freedom. I continue to tell myself that everything will occur as is, and if nothing happens instantly well I dont have to fret. Life presents itself as need be, and for that I am thankful and welcome a change of life.


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