For better or for worst?

So it is what it is appears to be the modern lingo for current happenings, broken happenings and past happenings in regards to what the hell is going on with my romantic world. It’s like I am in a crystal clear bubble, and I am looking out at each and every option I can possibly have and experience, however, nothing, no one, not even half of someone is catching my eyes of interest. Sometimes I wonder, and go right back to the ever pressing question “Is it me”. I would love to look each present and past lover in the face and just ask “What is it?” It appears that I continue to get swept up into the initial hype, but like a parade; it’s experienced, shouted out through and through and then over before you know it. Who’s cleaning up my progressed feelings and heart afterwards? Who is guiding me through these bumps in the road? As I look to my left and right, I see no one. All I can think about is where have all the cowboys gone! The Paul Cole songs blare in my mind and I start kicking to the beat. I then begin feeling as if I am in a self constructed mosh pit, and as I reach forward and press myself out I just can’t let go. Each time I blog and write I am letting through heartfelt emotions. I am letting go of moments that I have experienced, but am wishing to close off to the past. …..

But then he returns to my mind. He takes over every thought and current need I have desired for. He actually appeals to me more than ever before, because I am choosing to banish him away from me. I am pushing him further and further away in my physical sight; however, mentally he saturates and stains my mind. I close my eyes to dream of him, I open my eyes and I visually am fixated on my return back into my dream, which of course features him. The more I pull away, the more I want him closer to me. The feelings of something tearing and being pulled away from me overwhelms me. Once I start to detach myself from the thought of no longer feelings and caring and wanting to be with him, my anxiety immediately increases, I then begin to think of life outside of him. Has it come to this? This being all consumed by my passion for him?

So my weekend started out supposedly busy. I was to focus on the needs and issues at hand, and have no time for side thoughts or fantasy driven conversations. I was to spend quality time with my lovely niece, why my sister went away on a passion driven Virginia road trip from New York City. So Friday night started off the anti emotional and no concentration weekend. The focus and mindset lasted for approximately a few seconds. As I left Brooklyn and headed uptown on the C local MTA train, I noticed couples chatting together in the cosy cool train cars. I caught glimpses of old couples, in the middle couples, fresh and new faced couples and I began to think “Where the fuck are you?” My heart began skipping several beats due to becoming angry all over again, and also, the stirring of my mind whenever I thought and think of and about you.
It is another sad love song of a tortured soul and mind and forever broken heart, but the loud noise of a beating heart continues to prevail above all.

Lesson Seventy-One:
I refuse to let you go. I refuse to deny my emotional feelings and I damn sure refuse to continue to be sadden, overcome and overwhelmed about your passing in my life. I am forever in life’s debt for the unique experience of meeting a lover. A lover that has entered my life featuring a lesson I needed to learn. As stubborn and hard pressed as I am to let things easily go, I am aware of the greatness of each and every experience. Allow yourself to feel, breath and experience, but in time life will bring the closure, fresh start and cleansed pathway needed. I am forever in thought, and in life school.


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