For better or for worst?
But then he returns to my mind. He takes over every thought and current need I have desired for. He actually appeals to me more than ever before, because I am choosing to banish him away from me. I am pushing him further and further away in my physical sight; however, mentally he saturates and stains my mind. I close my eyes to dream of him, I open my eyes and I visually am fixated on my return back into my dream, which of course features him. The more I pull away, the more I want him closer to me. The feelings of something tearing and being pulled away from me overwhelms me. Once I start to detach myself from the thought of no longer feelings and caring and wanting to be with him, my anxiety immediately increases, I then begin to think of life outside of him. Has it come to this? This being all consumed by my passion for him?
So my weekend started out supposedly busy. I was to focus on the needs and issues at hand, and have no time for side thoughts or fantasy driven conversations. I was to spend quality time with my lovely niece, why my sister went away on a passion driven Virginia road trip from New York City. So Friday night started off the anti emotional and no concentration weekend. The focus and mindset lasted for approximately a few seconds. As I left Brooklyn and headed uptown on the C local MTA train, I noticed couples chatting together in the cosy cool train cars. I caught glimpses of old couples, in the middle couples, fresh and new faced couples and I began to think “Where the fuck are you?” My heart began skipping several beats due to becoming angry all over again, and also, the stirring of my mind whenever I thought and think of and about you.
It is another sad love song of a tortured soul and mind and forever broken heart, but the loud noise of a beating heart continues to prevail above all.
I refuse to let you go. I refuse to deny my emotional feelings and I damn sure refuse to continue to be sadden, overcome and overwhelmed about your passing in my life. I am forever in life’s debt for the unique experience of meeting a lover. A lover that has entered my life featuring a lesson I needed to learn. As stubborn and hard pressed as I am to let things easily go, I am aware of the greatness of each and every experience. Allow yourself to feel, breath and experience, but in time life will bring the closure, fresh start and cleansed pathway needed. I am forever in thought, and in life school.