The things people will do to get a rise from you...
I start seeing my clients, and reporting my loggings for the day. I am thinking of ten to twenty ways to rescue a particular family and amend a client situation, but I return back to the time spent away. I felt as if I was caged away, and supressed. I started to think about what exactly I was returning home to? What was I searching and looking for? Could I possibly up and move to another state and find whatever I am missing and needing? Is it possible to plan out your life path and follow it? Or being led blindly into the daily in's and out's of life is whats to be expected and desired for? With so many question I had no answers or responses back that fulfilled my need to open up and expand more. I did not have that reoccuring dream, which featured unlimited answers, and opened up for me the potential and all the possibilities I have hoped and dreamed for. So as I revisited my moment in time where I was suspended in inanimate space I was left with no images and answers.
So now I am at work day dreaming yet again and feeling the slights and disappointments. The sense of unattained accomplishments, while others bask in their delights and happiness and contentment. I think to myself as always "why should I be upset, I should be mindful and thoughtful and grateful for each and everything I have recieved", however, I am still stinging from life's slights, and the people who appear in them. I walk into the looks and the stares and attitudes of people who have a dislike for me. I look into their eyes with nonchalance and no cares as well. It's a mutual feeling. On my breaks my mind continues to reel, and although I am able to provide continued services and assistance for my clients the question still remains "Why am I here?" "Whats my purpose"? "Just leave"!
So my day miraculosly floats before me. I am blessed to be able to have a friend who I can find solace in and with, and someone whom I enjoy spending time with. I enjoyed our talks and she is an amazing person. We meet up and throw up the days stressors, and all the issues experienced and faced within our 9-5's. As we bask on the benches, over looking a section of Brooklyn Heights that remains beautiful, untouched and historically important and severely inflated priced. We watch the sun as it sets, and we then get up to make out way towards Montague street. We pass a few restaurants with their over priced burgers and ambiance, we giggle and laugh about life, and how today we have the fuck it's, so why not live it up. As soon as the mood begins to creep towards enjoyably good, I bump into a distant memory.
She was a decent person, someone whom I worked with. Someone whose history wasn't up for debate, however, at the time their now represented something powerful, pulling and definitely someone to look up to in a motivating factor. So she addressed me as if I really didn't exist, and she acknowledged my friend, who I formerly worked with (thats how we developed the friendship), as if we never worked together, and I was just the friend that happened to be there. I was distracted, and easily uncomfortable with the conversation. I honestly began looking deep into myself and feel a sense of unaccomplishment, almost a feeling that I wasnt even entitled to be privy to the quick meet and greet. I was then feeling a sour way about a relatives successful completion of her course work and studies. I felt yet again that I was being left out of the group and bunch. I internalized so much until I literally was feeling sick, but then I snapped out of the feeling and moment and just took a deep breath! I needed to.
When I look at each and everything I have achieved individually and with the assistance of family and friends, I continue to count my blessings. I also know that life has not valuted me from here to there for nothing, and at no cost. There is more for me to experience and see. I began to have hope, and I felt a lot better about myself and the upcoming day. I decided to push the grid a little more, try a lot harder and continue. I can achieve just as much as I want to, when I want to and exactly how I want to. I am blessed and truly fortunate. Everything experienced and given and shown to me has symbolism.
So as I released these emotions of yesterday, I released the emotions of today. Developing a hard skin and not allowing others to take over you and on you is something I intend to accomplish.
So reading an email from a beloved family member allowed me to see everything that was set fourth for me. I am awaiting too much and expecting too much, allowing something to occur is not just coincidental, but it's within the life's plan I wrote for myself as I entered this world. A stoic believer in karma and dharma and everything that occurs will either repeat itself, or find a clever way to repeat itself. So I am finally (after so many entries) opening up and being entirely honest and naked to all. My fears are prevalent, but they are not suffocating me, and I am not succumbing to the darkness. I am marching forward and pressing through.
Lesson Sixty-Six: Test those waters.
A simple spalsh is not whats necessary and needed. A major dive and belly flop is whats wanted. The need to be pessimistic and quiet, and just patiently awaiting for something to occur might be what the doctor ordered. As with the transitions of my blogs, I am now seeing that life outside of one region and subject remains fufilling and interesting. Something I need, and needed for so long. I continue to thank god for all of the amazing experiences my life has featured. Its like watching a broadway show. The curtains are up, Im ready to go!