To Kill A Fantasy: Oh Dearest I do!

The pain subsides when you start to uncover the causes of the ache more and more. When you fear asking further or inquiring deeper with your significant other or present interest, you burden yourself with the stories left untold. We want communication and the ability to openly flow with our partners, but yet once we are denied that inner comfort and almost hall pass into the realm of our “chosen one” everything in the relationship begins to subside and form into a fantasy ship, in which you play out in your very own mind the projected outcomes of an inquiry or problem, or fantasize a passionate moment of the story you created.

Share in the truth. The raw unadulterated truth the old saying of it never hurts to ask anyone a question almost resonates loudly and so true.

I say this because I have silenced my own passions and inquiries because I didn’t want to dig deeper or have to continually open myself up to someone who wasn’t presently there. I imagine taking my heart outside of my body, and holding it above my head allowing the air and blue skies and sun beams to grant it serenity and protection and not allowing anyone to take it away from me or have it within their grasp and squeeze it lifelessly.

That fear has wavered between so many situations and life transitions within my current state that I have finally began to appreciate the reality of each and every experience. Having felt that perhaps I lessened my role of engagement because I gauged the situation mentally before communicating exactly what I was feeling openly, before I even allowed my fear to settle so deeply in that it literally stunted my conversations, caused general angst and discomfort and feelings of insecurities to overwhelm what I was truly feeling.

So where is the pain now?

The pain is some place in between recognizable and dissipating within the depths of reaching out and allowing my intentions and motives are known. I am recognizing that there is significance in pain, but there is also knowledge with letting the feelings subside and allowing life to naturally unfold before me regardless of inner fears and previous challenges being faced.

I tell myself everyday to fear not is to worry not and to never not is a short life lived.

I’d rather not…experience that limiting life factor.

Lover's Manifesto: I Question-

"Everyone departs from the imagery of their one and true love for sometime…the idea no longer is haunting or becomes a sickened sense to your already overly stimulated heart. The idea that all is perfectly free from infidelities of life no longer is a hidden aspect of your relationship. Could you imagine your lover whispering freely in your ear as he strokes your side as you snuggled and position yourself deeply into his middle and listen to their weekends rendition of captured love outside of your existent relationship…”I absolutely fed myself on her body, It felt as each taste and touch was sweet nectar and was ripened only for me”.  Would you then turn deeper into his embrace and purr for the entire story or would you secretly melt deeply into the moment wishing your hearing and emotional senses away just for that given moment in time?"

The unknown is what pollutes our minds with the endless possibilities and scenarios. Not knowing is knowing more than enough, and coming to a conclusion that you deduced from your emotional lack and unaddressed needs is what perfumes the air of mystery.

Could I speak openly to my lover about my infidelity? Could the comfort and ease come with knowing, but expecting that no one could ever replace my lover because within my heart of hearts they are simply elevated on another life plain that at the moment no one could ever reach to, although I fall in and out of love with others frequently (perhaps too frequently) our uniquely defined love could never be crossed or could it?

We want substance to our love life and love pattern and behaviors, but yet when we introduce a reality of what our love life could resemble and look like honestly, would we even want it anymore? Could two lovers simply exist unapologetically and openly together as possible, or would the expected responses and reactions to a hidden love, neither burdening your world or your lovers world speak more volumes than any experience thus far?

What’s my love style you ask?

I am in between loving the world openly and unconditionally, but not focusing exclusively on one lover in particular because I have not met the lover that only allowed my eyes to open to him, or my heart to beat for him or my mind to swirl in unison or side by side with him. I have allowed myself to experience like and experiences that resemble a makeup of some of the love qualities and experiences that have hid my true intimacy value with them. I have had infidelities that have closed me off further from my significant other and propelled me to only think about needs and myself and not solidifying anything future some with them, but today as my mind has settled and the dust of emotions have lifted my eyes remain focused on what could be.

So what am I saying?

You have had to reach and touch all of loves echelons to recall a state of quality and remembrance that will guide you to where you are presently and allow you to walk easily in the unpaved distance of what is to become.

Having resolved that there will be no experience like any other, and although nostalgias and distant memories play vivid parts and are life reminders of what stood out the most to us within that time, nothing will factor into this world as the present moment.

Saying…

What applies to you and is of substance and value to you will be the telling feature life has afforded you to venture out into your own personal triumphs and depths and questions moments within your lover(s) embrace(s)…