The Reality is...Close out to the 2012 Year

Looking back at the many moments and experiences I have been fortunate enough to go through, learn from and receive my message from; I can honestly say I am happy for each and every lesson and life point. I am not even hurt or stirred to the point of exhaustion by recapturing each moment, be it pleasant or hurtful. I have come to terms with those moments in my 2012 year and I am comfortable in providing the needed closure. I am ready to rewrite my story and claim it.

2012 HIGHLIGHTS

1.     Forgiveness:

“The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt'.”

           

I forgive myself. I was very hard and critical about my expectations and outcomes in my romantic life and dealings with romantic partners. I struggled to make the relationship soar to heights that it was never meant to dwell in. Suffering ensued and so my assumptions about relationships and learning to develop passionate and romantic feelings never took off. I did not trust or believe.

I forgive my lover for the experiences we did not share for one another. Unhealthy, unrealistic and absolutely no room for growth, TRANSITION and development; there was never a relationship to be had from these experiences. Two broken hearts looking for love with no expectations or any direct and distinct explanation of where we were going. Just existing was satisfactory enough to me, and all I thought I needed. My mind starved, my heart divided and my body could no longer take this experience anymore.

In order for me to forgive past digressions within my previous relationships, I needed to hate the person enough to finally let them go. For some reason I held on to you and the nonexistent us, because I thought it felt good, but all I felt was sadness for you and for myself, but in these feelings I became emotionally stunted and spiritually stagnant and knew that there was a better way than this, and in this I found forgiveness and forgive US.

TO FORGIVE IS TO BE COUREAGOUS! TO FORGIVE IS TO CREATE A CREATIVE CONSCIENCE.

SOMETHING SO HARD TO DO, BUT FREEING TO EXPERIENCE WHEN IT’S DONE

2.     Telling the absolute truth

a.     Regardless of how I assume others will receive me (Partnerships, friendships. Etc)

b.     Stating the facts

c.      Speaking the truth

d.     Asking for what I want

e.     Not accepting any less

It becomes harder each and every time to reveal you most inner and intimate self when you yourself can’t even identify or stand by what you are projecting. If we aren’t comfortable within our own body, then how are we supposed to create stable, meaningful relationships based on truth, communication and honest love?

WHO ARE YOU?

My name is Robyne and I am a writer, telling my story from the light taps of my keyboard to the online universe at large. Emotionally driven and determined to express and experience my best life yet, I am coming to terms with my life and making amends to rewrite wrongs and make a better life for myself. Emotionally enriched and spiritually uplifted.

3.    WE BECOME WHAT WE BELIEVE (PAST, CANCEL THIS OUT)

a.     Shrewd

b.     No one understands me

c.      Difficult to love

d.     Emotionally indifferent

4.    AT THIS VERY MOMENT, I HAVE BECOME

a.     Courageous

b.     Determined to tell the truth, live my best life yet

c.      Fortunate, emotionally present and happy

d.     Loving, passionate, emotionally available

I put out in the universe that I could never experience the ideal relationship ever because of what I had believed it didn’t exist and was almost fairytale. When selecting partners I began attracting what in essence was I was putting out in the universe. The attributes listed in the past section above could relate to each partner I had experienced on many levels. Intimate, platonic, semi-interested and so on. Endlessly the list began to grow and my mind and body tired of these emotional disconnections. I wanted to work with my partner and be able to transition into a relationship. Rather than face many issues and outcomes that left me literally lost for love and it’s essence…

What I know to be true is I had created this image of being this strong woman who was impenetrable. I had sustained myself thus far without the inconvenience of a man. I have avoided the errors of failed marriages and single mother hood, or so I had assumed. Thinking I was protecting my heart from failure literally opened the door to casualness and no expectations? The fear of being hurt was so prevalent I simply accepted anything other than the truth. I didn’t even see the turmoil my life and romantic life had become.

Knowing that I could no longer block my own feelings to suit the needs of another. I began making those changes!

I have literally become self-absorbed with feelings, and myself, which have allowed me to rekindle my very own relationship with myself. Broken hearted no more or accepting of just anything, I have found peace. I love myself and I love the person who I have become and gradually am growing into. I believe in me.

ACCEPTING AND RESPONDING to my life situations.

The reality of this blog entry was finally rewriting my story. Finally making amends to tell just exactly what I have been experiencing and going through, but the difference this time I am not living in the past. I am presently accepting my fate and making waves each and everyday.  I created my vision of success, now it’s time to continue to steadily walk the pathway to complete happiness.

2012 has afforded me the opportunity to live my best life and I am encouraged to continue the uphill movement that will no longer be a battle, but each moment a breakthrough. The closer I am to the source the constant and consistently complete I become.

‘There is no sin in failing, but the sin is in never trying”

Yesterday I Smiled Today I laughed and Tomorrow I will have arrived!

A little weekend trip away from New York City to Washington, DC was just the rejuvenation and steps needed in order to further finalize my hearts previous admissions. I had a lot of time to not only reevaluate my past couple of months and overall years high and low peaks, but the fact of the matter is I no longer need YOU.

Realizing that someone no longer serves a purpose in your life can be compared to a freeing sensation within yourself (ME). Every experience and moment shared with this someone becomes distant and faint. What stood out and mattered the most to you no longer holds you.

We choose to be happy. We choose to enjoy each and every experience with our significant others, but when did we choose inept solitude? Was it my choice to partially experience a relationship? Reaping on the limited benefits of an uncertain love...I was angered and disheartend all at once and so blinded by what I thought would be best for my heart.

I.Let.Go

Simply stated but reveling in my current reality.

12/24/2012

Friendship two way?

Closing out old chapters and welcoming in new interests and insight I decided that the best practice to enact is the act of forgiveness. The act to gather yourself and move forward, but as you are excelling forward you are already at such heights that coming back down no longer presents itself as an option.

You ever have a friend that became more than a friend to you? A friend who you could enjoy the friendship, alongside pseudo moments of a budding relationship? A friendship that really never had those clearly defined rules of engagement. A friendship that perhaps there was something there be it chemistry, be it excitement and everything that centered on a potential relationship, but the friendship just remained. Along these lines we have mutually made decisions and mistakes that continued to build the nonexistent relationship and uniquely defined friendship.

As time went by everything became blurry. The clearly undefined lines wanted to be recognized. These lines that permeated all types of passions, happenings and unrealistic wants and needs desired definitions. A friendship no longer wanted to be singular, but plural in regards to a joined relationship. I wanted to be WE and no longer US.

The effort we put into going out for the evening which spun into a romantic filled and passionate night lasted for just about 6 hours. The effort and time it takes to gather the energy to enjoy these moments would never propel our relationship any further. I clearly began to see that one heart beat for two.

Cutting you out of my life for a temporary reprieve allowed me to really gather my strength and know just exactly what I want and how I wanted it to be presented to me. Allowing a glimpse of you back into my life showed me just how much you valued our distance and space, and it led me back to where I needed to be…

GONE.

Finding ME....."Lesson Learned"

On the Airplane enroute to New Orleans

Mood: Emotional (slightly teary and sensitive) and good.

So today my emotions are all over the place. I cannot entirely base the feelings I am experiencing on one particular person, incident or situation. I can definitely blame the hormones for perhaps an increase in estrogen, but I am not entirely sold on blaming them.

So why am I on this flight? Why did I board this plane? Why? My fears and motivations and experiences to this date have been pretty interrupted and unexplained. However, how can I explain my current situation and now? How can I explain the moment in between?

What’s going on with my world and life now? Perhaps I can’t think about it just now. Perhaps I don’t have the desired answer(S) because I ABSOLUTELY can’t define my feelings and emotions in regards to our situation.

Yes we have a situation. My eyes began to tear just thinking about this muddled mess of a situation. I can’t define or underline an exact answer, and to this I ask myself yet again WHY can’t I?

I have no answers as of yet. I have no insight entirely, but what I can fall back on is that I am going to listen to my heart. Look entirely into the situation.

My fears of being unhappy and unsatisfied and lastly disappointed overwhelms me at times, but what I do know is that life and love is unlimited and so are experiences with others. I am not destined to one opportunity and situation. I am no longer limited to one heart palpitation, but I can enjoy the flutter of multiple interest and love experiences. My journey is to experience. My resolve is to know. My destination is to move forward and continually progress and lastly my life is to be experienced!

Sunday

Mood: Restive and ready to be back home

I had expectations. I had ideas of possibly something blossoming from nothing. I even had ideas of just maybe everything being ok and perhaps this being the movement I needed.

Monday

Mood: Fortunate and blessed for life

I can reject you. I can absolutely uncoil myself from you. I can reject you. My body is absolutely a telling defining amazing life fixture. I never truly appreciated my individual self until now. I always held the fear of acknowledging and giving life to the words “Control” or absolutely being in control of myself, however, my body has taken control over my emotional self and defined my journey for me. Always heralding the news that your mind, body and soul were all three different entities residing in one vessel, and vying for individual attention(s) each moment of my life, but in this very moment I felt a uniformed connection.

All centered and in agreement on my overall happiness, my body literally rejected you. Physical and carnal nature and needs will always get met, but the binding emotional connector and tying heart strings would no longer develop on demand anymore, or even pretend to be satisfied in a hostile and unstable loveless environment. The days of being idly pleased and longing for more are over.

My overall time spent with you was nothing that I had imagined or planned. I actually hoped that the renewed sparks of interest would be there. I was hoping that we would recapture that spark we had in Miami, Florida. That dream like vacation was more than enough to hope for more from me, from you and from us, but it was never meant to be. There was always this pull, this wall this sense of entrapment, loneliness and unhappiness. I have no idea who was holding in more, you, or me but what I do know now is that I let go. This final meeting meant everything to me. It helped me conclude my feelings and finally let it go and release my true wants and needs into the universe, and it was not meant to be with you.

The Crescent City wasn’t experienced as I had hoped it to be. My visit to Baton Rouge had its interesting and entertaining moments, but all in all it was listless.

Good Bye Lover and friend. Our time is definitely over.

Making room for life improvements and true admissions of love. Making room for actually accepting the transitions and changes. Understanding what I value and truly want in a lover, friend, significant other and ideally life companion. I finally know what’s good for me. Blessed with the intuition of experiencing life. 

In the Night the truth sets US free!

11:59 pm Sunday Dusk
 Having had a lot of time to sort out reality from fantasy I really began to see the dream like state I, You and "We" had created. Sleep pattern on non compliant. Mindset on forget you not. Emotional heart tugging and banging to be loved only by you and stiffling outside competition easily. My mind should be silenced and at ease, but it's racing and thinking about you. Only you.

12:00 AM Monday
When I need you the most you are never to be found. Be it your work schedule, home life and family schedule, social schedule, sporting schedule or individual time schedule; you remain never to be found when I call, text, conjure up an erotic thought as detailed as ever, and designed to be demonstrated only in the midst of you, yet again your schedule remains conflicting with mine and your time is compromised, but again you send me messages awaking my inner needs. Knowing that my needs wont get met on my suggested time schedule, but only whenever I am adhering to your schedule.

1:00 AM Monday Morning
I am awoken by text messages, Two incoming messages are from the males I have set aside all because of the intense emotional connection I assumed I have had and held with you and you only. I don't even know why I am thinking of such a heavy conversation during the wee hours of the morning. Sleep deprived, heart starved and definitely hollowed on the inside. What I need the most now is a reassuring embrace, kiss to the back of my neck and an arm laying limp ontop of me, but what I have right now is an empty bed space filled by stand in pillows who are illuding to a prescence that will never be there.

2:00 AM Monday

Tossing and turning and wondering why exactly do I continue to think about someone who I know for sure isn't thinking or wondering entirely about my feelings, my day and overall experience. I am literally losing sleep, because I will not release him from my mind and heart, so what do I do now? Staring straight up at my ceiling and laying limply in the middle of my bed I just pray. I ask for guidiance and the releasing of my love for him from my heart. I don't hate or habour any intimate or feelings against him, but to release all the energies associated with him.


The time we take to release other's from our heart's seeps into our lives and surrounds us with hurting feelings. The slights and the pain and the pardoned passion overwhelms us. I awoke this morning thankful to see another blessing of a day and to breathe continued life into my lungs. I played the game with him too many times, and I allowed myself to be a victim under my own guise. So I am allowing myself to walk freely. Freely from pain, hurt and mishaps and move right on along!