Day Dreamer

Going cold turkey or shall I say DRY TURKEY.....

My mind has remained focused on a self cleansing of sorts. To have the ability to renew my life in a positive way, by inviting positive people and experiences into my life, I can not and will not go wrong. If only when we write out everything, would it come to fruition after the last point and period. The day after a huge celebration and acknowledgement of change and transitions began with a bawling of tears. I cry for the failures, for the inability to see things through and for the inability to control and conduct myself in a manner that left and led me into better and positive situations. Then another emotion comes over me. Anger. Why the heck am I transitioning my life yet again. It seems as if constant change and fluctuations should be my first and last name. So when this emotions passes me over and I begin to settle again, I am left with ME feelings. This sense of cleansing and a sense of renewal and a start of something new is intoxicating. I want change. I want renewal and further more I want the sense of relaxation that comes over me when I know everything will be just fine.

How to maintain relationships.......
Having self checked myself I noticed that I have the "Daffy Duck" syndrome. In this self diagnoised syndrome I want everything to be my way, happen my way, start and finish my way. Although someone may be directing their feelings and attentions very expressive and openly towards me, I still want things to happen all according to me. So I decided to take a look at the root of the problem. When someone doesnt want to pursue a relationship in your terms "Boo'ed up", you can not hold a grudge against them or get upset. Previously if I heard something I did not like "We should be friends" "Let things happen and take it times" "Why rush" I would erase that persons name and number from my cellphone, email, myspace, facebook, AOL instant messenger, Blackberry Messenger and any social networking or instant messaging service. I just could not stand the idea of actually continuing a conversation with this person. My logic was "If they could not be with me on a particular level, why then would you want to continue to talk to me?". Whenever I would get a message from the denied someone I would appear nonchalant and "Oopps, who is this " when answering my phone or checking messages, although I memorized every name and number and screen name, and ID the person had. My pride, and rejected sense pushed me through the embarassment or just being friends. The idea of actually getting to know the person, acknowledging that hey the dating aspect of me and them did not work out, but perhaps there was a legway into a friendship.
So with that entertaining experience being placed in my past behaviors not to occur again list, I have found out a lot about myself. Not everyone is going to like or for the matter love me. I have to embrace what I am and how I see myself very openly and honestly. Although we would love for the ones we throw our hearts, the kitchen sink and everything we cherish and hold dearly in life to want us just as much, we can't let rejections get the best of us. If we were to like everyone or everyone was to like us, man we would be in a huge war and battle. Could you just imagine the Maury shows (LAUGHING OUT LOUD)

Dear THAT SOMEONE......

So I come to you as a friend. Although when I initially met you my sense of attraction leaped out of my shirt! It was like ding ding "Lets get it on". You made me laugh and smile, and better yet you made me comfortable. As we furthered started to get to know each other and intermix a friendship into an early intimate start and relationship, well I hoped the rest (dating and relating seriously) would soon begin to follow, but it didn't. Like a wounded animal, I liked the raw streched skin (my heart) back to size. I did not question or even ask you anything, because I felt as if I had no place feeling so much emotions, so soon and for that matter with you. I assumed that should I talk to you, you would not even acknowledge or hear me out, because after all I was not your Girl friend, or potential. I was a "pretty cool" girl, who was a catch. "Why didn't anyone snatch you up" you'd say....and I would think "Why didn't you snatch me up". So weeks of upheaval and inner conflict and strife produced a sense of rock bottomm which sprang fourth this renewal. A connection with me, with you. A connection with my mind, body and soul, all spirited as one. I no longer will look at you with hate, for you have not fufilled my need of want, desire and connecting with me. I will not become upset, because you are not interested in me romantically, I will welcome your friendship, but limited; for I am not your erotic toy, nor will I openly and willingly be so pleasing unless it's well deserved and mutually agreeded that there is more to come fourth and forward from my satin sheets. I will learn the meaning of a friendship. Am I to be attracted to you?Possibly. Am I going to want to get to know you? Definitely. Will I want to be casual with you? Nope. Simple stated questions, but yet so hard to ask and answer out in the midst or primal need and want. Although I have readily acknowledged my need to be needed and wanted and desired for, it will and has taken on an entire meaning when it's a mutual desire with more to reward and offer as it plays on. For that saying and meaning I am stunted and stopped in my tracks. I will and can wait. For I desire mutual reciprocity.




Lesson Eight: To wait is to age as wine

There is no need to rush for I am awaiting you. As I accept this new sense of dedication, this new way of growth in my life I await you. For you don't complete me as I once thought, you compliment me. I will respect my friendships and develop boundaries, but with you I will break down every wall you desire to bind me to. For we have bonded. I will await you.

To be Intimate or Not.....is that even a question???

Self assessments and a lot of time spent on thinking about dating and relating, the drama of misguided Cupid, love and affection and attention and so on and so on.....

A quiet Sunday spent in Brooklyn, in my apartment were all my dreams and thoughts attempt to come to fruition. I wonder to myself, why am I not in a serious relationship? Why am I casually dating with no regards to long term building, and also, why am I meeting people, whom I care for and am attracted to, but I see nothing further then right now. At times I deem myself selfish and such a pain in the ass to others, however, I can't help but feeling that overwhelming feeling of needing to be needed and wanted. It's so appealing and appetizing all at once. It's also the beginning of the end.

So I write this blog especially for myself. I need to see the written out meaning of my world and life in regards to dating and relating. I also need to let myself know that, although I deem myself a sexual being, someone who Cherish's' intimacy, passionate moments and exchanges, over time it means nothing if it's with a different person, and constant changes, no sense of stability, time well spent and also development and commitment. I forgo a lot of relationships, and the getting to know you period to feel that intimacy, that pure need and want and passionate embrace. As exotic and erotic as all of these feelings are and become, they are forever fleeting and continue to pass me by. A constant journal entry would be "I am so tired of the lames", "When will I see myself in a stable relationship" "Is it me", I am realizing it is me, and I need to do something about this urgently.

My best friend decided to become celibate for the right reasons. For sanity for herself. The drama with being casual, and the having a dating and relating game is a recipe for sexual and heartache disaster. The second reason is that she wants to dedicate herself to the right individual, to share her world and life with. She wants to openly express herself beyond her libido. She is more than her sexual self, she is an amazing woman. Intelligent, beautiful, independent, sincere, loving and amazing. All aspects for a wonderful partnership. As I write down all of the qualities I see in her, I see them in myself as well. So why can't I envision a successful relationship and experience with awaiting my future partner. I have grown tired of the casual life. Although sex is amazing, and the intimate experience with someone is to be valued for, it is not everything. When the act of consummating and conquering that special someone for the moment and at times just for the night has been completed, you are left alone. A shell of oneself. You turn over and allow the sweat to dry up. The scent of passion no longer clings to the air. The air which was once fresh is now stale of the after scent. You can't sleep, because this person you spent time with, is not the person you want to share your life with. I always hear the question "Well how can you be intimate and share yourself with others, when you don't want to be with them?" A simple answer and a personal answer is, having the ability to dictate and control the In's and outs of your life be it general hanging, casual hanging and the sexual aspect is something that allows you to control your emotions and feelings. I will not fall in love with a casual fling, it should not and does not mean anything. That was a reality I lived by, and also, you are utilizing the casual experience as a place holder for someone you truly want to be with and experience, but the inability to capture them, has spoiled over to your casual person or "jump off". So with all that being said I am realizing I want more.

More then a rumble in the sheets. More then time spent together occasionally. More then a call or text or Blackberry message. MORE! I am deserving of more, and should appreciate the effort and time I put into living and caring for someone. I also must regard my others feelings and know that if it's to be it will be. Fear of trying, and fear of being hurt and remaining emotionally indifferent has scarred me, however, it has not burnt me. So I am using this blog on this date as a way of saying HEY WORLD I WANT MORE! Alot of my ways, and even beliefs I previously held will have to change and develop into something more positive. My fear of love and being in love are forevermore changed. "I'm Ready"


Lesson Seven--So with that being said, whomever you are here is to YOU:
Allow me to be your other half. Someone that completes you. After a long day, let me shower you or bathe you if you like. Let me feed you your favorite meal and get you situated right. Let me hear your hard days of work and strifes. Allow me to kiss you and rest and relax with you. Knowing that laying with you will not be temporary or something fleeting. Closing my eyes and hearing you breath is everything and ALL I ever need.

Can I live........

So I equate all the up and down feelings to my hormonial rages inside of myself. I can say to myself "This is why so and so is not feeling it at the moemnt" or perhaps I can pretend that it was all a dream, and all will be best and a lot better in the morning.

Is it me? No really.....is it me?
How can one reveal and show themselves to another without overwhelming the one of interest? When did being reserved, but readily interest become a problmed combination? How can one be SO busy, but yet freely and frequently doing their own thing? Is it for me to become upset, emblazend with jealously and anger as in "Why you aren't with me". At times I have to stop and gather myself and thoughts and think about all the hardships and experiences with those of interest in my life (romantic interest) that I have went through. It's as if you give and give, but yet you are the one to recieve. Or you may have that usual mixture of the person is interested in you more then you could dream and believe,and although you really are trying to be patient and nice towards them and their outward expressive feelings and emotions; it;s just not enough to pursue or continue on with them any further for that matter. So looking from and outsiders perspective on an insiders tip, IS IT ME.


The solitude of a Bathroom break....break through or break down???
Taking my little ten to fifteen girly stall break I asked myself "Is this something you really want?" That something was a stable and dependable relationship. That something was the capacity to reach out and love someone in a committed and long term way. That something was giving up the independence not entirely, but learning the beauty and value of an interdependent relationship. That something was sharing joint holidays, and hang outs and good times with the extended family and friends. That something had me think that perhaps I have bargained and almost bartered for more, but have not achieved that level of romantic or for that matter relationship development.....Does it even exist? Will it even exist for me?


So if you must know me, you must know that I am complex. I don't try to be, but I see the roads and avenues in my life course that I travel through, and although they are forever unwinding they make a lot of sense to me in the end. The dichotomoy of the heart and brain is my battle, and actually this has always been my battle. Inability to find some consensus on the two and form a whole. I was told that if one writes out their dreams completely they will be able to reslove any impending issues and problems with their life. I have been journal writing sense I was 16, and I have semi resloved some problem areas, but continue to remain at a stand still stance in regards to the dating and relating issues. It is an area that I find amusing, but yet saddening at times.


Life Lesson 6: Embrace the confusement. It's enlightening.....
With all the up and down's and troublesome moments throughout the dating and relating experiences, one must remain hopeful and insightful that one day things will get better. It's something about speaking on an issue or problem area, that puts the mind at ease. In times of stress and strife, let your pen and paper battle it out.

Impefectly perfect randomness........

In a perfect world would I exist as I am? I ask myself this question do to my recent experience with my perfectly imperfect world. Do I do, or do as I do?.....

They say that one will never know or understand until you walk a mile in ones shoe. Well I am walking double miles and wearing double shoes! A recent read from an interesting author, with an interesting book of interest and topic of interest made me think about my dual life. Will I ever be satisifed with just one? Will I always remain true to one? Will I trust in one and only one?

Life means change, but does it also mean transitioning into a set life.......

So in this perfect world I envisioned an ease of sorts. An ease of one with me. A sense of belief that intially we will work and everything will be ok. Flaws and dramatics forgotten, only good times and good things to think of ahead. The in and out's of life's daily, and our everyday daily no longer takes precesdence. A smile and a glance and that's all I need to gather myself to start my day. A promise for right now and no thoughts into tomorrow, should that even exist.
This type of mindset has held me capitive for many years. Until recently I started to really think about my relationship history. The good, the bad and the truly trippy! I started to see the fanaticism of romance I seem to always envision and have as true in order to have and maintain a successful relationship. No where in my mindset have I thought of the hardships, the downfalls, the duldrums and down right sucktastic days and experiences. Dating and romancing are reportable suppose to go hand in hand, however, they don't. My need to have everything how I would choose to see fit and experience has somehow blind folded me. Weakend by my disease of a loving heart, I am now at a romatic and relationship crossroad. I am at a place where I really am undecided about how to continue on further....... "Is this the way".

Choices and decisions.......
Patience remains that virtue that continually passes me by. Am I to be patient with you? Am I to wait for you? Sometimes I feel as if I am pushing you closer, but you push me away.... Expressions detail a lot. When I see you look at me, you look as if you would never let me go. When I acknowledge your look at and of me, your expression leaves me. A battle of the mind over the heart, I continually state it's a dichotomy of the two. At out most intimate and passionate embraces, I never felt so assured and safe. A feeling that was always fleeting and has escaped me, but I feel as if I have captured the feeling again with you. A renewed sense of heart. How do we go about this? Is this too soon? What's the time limit and time line for expressing ones heart and love???? Sometimes I feel as if love is on a timer, and when you get a chance at embracing it you go full force before your time is up. How do i know......will you ever know and acknowledge me?

Sometimes when I let the mind wander it centers around my many issues with dating and relating, romance and committment issues and phobia. I also have a sense a duality by knowingly choosing whomever I want. It seems as if it's the life, but it's a headache, heartache double shot!


Lesson Five:
At times what was once deemed random, is something major and more to be explored. I see randomness as many thoughts attempting to power forward for an answer, and to be resloved and given the most and accurate medicine and acceptance as possible. Although my fantasies appear imperfectly perfect, they remain mine and mine only. It's a challenge, but something I look forward to it. Like a rainy day.

Shall we say new start....

After a rocky series of interesting relationships, all which have not ended necessarily on the best of terms; I have finally been able to free myself of the doldrums of unease and misinterest and have occupied my attention with someone of interest.
Lets just say that I have caught that teeny bopper crushing grooving all is good feeling. I have upgraded the waredrobe, and hairstyles and bumped into my simply delightful, oh ecastical me. I blush and smile and innocently giggle knowing I am bad......
"Is It The Way....." as Jill Scott would like to say! I have no idea, nor do I have control over the many emotions and feelings I am experiencing and expressing all in once. When one comes from a tumultous time and romantic experience, you tend to think that it will take sometime before you are healed and ready to get back on that romantic horse. Well this horse is HEALED and ready to stride ahead.
I do wonder at times if Cupid was a sucker, or the smartest person in the History of mankind. I say this because Cupid continued to throw arrows at unsusptecting people, they didn't know what the hell hit them, all they knew was that they felt, cared and loved someone else. Being struck innocently by something which pushes forth such strong and intense feelings. A sucker for love I would say, Cupid wanted to see everyone happy, but Cupid did not provide the main ingredient for longevity. A smart man Cupid was. Although he nipped you with the LOVE bud, he did not guarantee longevity or for that matter eternal love. So with all that being said, we all are our own Cupids aimlessly throwing our love arrows out and at any and everyone who will recieve it, but we take out responsibilty for our own happiness by watering the love and watching it grow and build with whomever we decide to continue to love with. I like that.....
As an old heart skin shades (something I totally believe), a new skin covers the old skin, but this skin is vibrant in color, thicker in feelings and understands all past skins failings, issues and hurt lovedm lovers and experiences with love. All in all, my hearts skins has survived the test of time and many many stories, but I still smile and beat that red beat for love. I fear no hurt, for I know hurt and invite that bitch on in!


Lesson Four: Learn to Love and Let Go.

Embrace the new. Toss out the old. Never forget that you decrease at least five years off your age when you love hard. You decrease ten years off your age when you let go. Learning that love is amazing and a powerful experience, but not everyone is deserving of your love. Guard and hold your love carefully. Inspire to increase your love with each and ever experience. Should that person not match up to your love, then love doesn't live there anymore for them.