Impefectly perfect randomness........
They say that one will never know or understand until you walk a mile in ones shoe. Well I am walking double miles and wearing double shoes! A recent read from an interesting author, with an interesting book of interest and topic of interest made me think about my dual life. Will I ever be satisifed with just one? Will I always remain true to one? Will I trust in one and only one?
Life means change, but does it also mean transitioning into a set life.......
So in this perfect world I envisioned an ease of sorts. An ease of one with me. A sense of belief that intially we will work and everything will be ok. Flaws and dramatics forgotten, only good times and good things to think of ahead. The in and out's of life's daily, and our everyday daily no longer takes precesdence. A smile and a glance and that's all I need to gather myself to start my day. A promise for right now and no thoughts into tomorrow, should that even exist.
This type of mindset has held me capitive for many years. Until recently I started to really think about my relationship history. The good, the bad and the truly trippy! I started to see the fanaticism of romance I seem to always envision and have as true in order to have and maintain a successful relationship. No where in my mindset have I thought of the hardships, the downfalls, the duldrums and down right sucktastic days and experiences. Dating and romancing are reportable suppose to go hand in hand, however, they don't. My need to have everything how I would choose to see fit and experience has somehow blind folded me. Weakend by my disease of a loving heart, I am now at a romatic and relationship crossroad. I am at a place where I really am undecided about how to continue on further....... "Is this the way".
Choices and decisions.......
Patience remains that virtue that continually passes me by. Am I to be patient with you? Am I to wait for you? Sometimes I feel as if I am pushing you closer, but you push me away.... Expressions detail a lot. When I see you look at me, you look as if you would never let me go. When I acknowledge your look at and of me, your expression leaves me. A battle of the mind over the heart, I continually state it's a dichotomy of the two. At out most intimate and passionate embraces, I never felt so assured and safe. A feeling that was always fleeting and has escaped me, but I feel as if I have captured the feeling again with you. A renewed sense of heart. How do we go about this? Is this too soon? What's the time limit and time line for expressing ones heart and love???? Sometimes I feel as if love is on a timer, and when you get a chance at embracing it you go full force before your time is up. How do i know......will you ever know and acknowledge me?
Sometimes when I let the mind wander it centers around my many issues with dating and relating, romance and committment issues and phobia. I also have a sense a duality by knowingly choosing whomever I want. It seems as if it's the life, but it's a headache, heartache double shot!
At times what was once deemed random, is something major and more to be explored. I see randomness as many thoughts attempting to power forward for an answer, and to be resloved and given the most and accurate medicine and acceptance as possible. Although my fantasies appear imperfectly perfect, they remain mine and mine only. It's a challenge, but something I look forward to it. Like a rainy day.