To be Intimate or Not.....is that even a question???
A quiet Sunday spent in Brooklyn, in my apartment were all my dreams and thoughts attempt to come to fruition. I wonder to myself, why am I not in a serious relationship? Why am I casually dating with no regards to long term building, and also, why am I meeting people, whom I care for and am attracted to, but I see nothing further then right now. At times I deem myself selfish and such a pain in the ass to others, however, I can't help but feeling that overwhelming feeling of needing to be needed and wanted. It's so appealing and appetizing all at once. It's also the beginning of the end.
So I write this blog especially for myself. I need to see the written out meaning of my world and life in regards to dating and relating. I also need to let myself know that, although I deem myself a sexual being, someone who Cherish's' intimacy, passionate moments and exchanges, over time it means nothing if it's with a different person, and constant changes, no sense of stability, time well spent and also development and commitment. I forgo a lot of relationships, and the getting to know you period to feel that intimacy, that pure need and want and passionate embrace. As exotic and erotic as all of these feelings are and become, they are forever fleeting and continue to pass me by. A constant journal entry would be "I am so tired of the lames", "When will I see myself in a stable relationship" "Is it me", I am realizing it is me, and I need to do something about this urgently.
My best friend decided to become celibate for the right reasons. For sanity for herself. The drama with being casual, and the having a dating and relating game is a recipe for sexual and heartache disaster. The second reason is that she wants to dedicate herself to the right individual, to share her world and life with. She wants to openly express herself beyond her libido. She is more than her sexual self, she is an amazing woman. Intelligent, beautiful, independent, sincere, loving and amazing. All aspects for a wonderful partnership. As I write down all of the qualities I see in her, I see them in myself as well. So why can't I envision a successful relationship and experience with awaiting my future partner. I have grown tired of the casual life. Although sex is amazing, and the intimate experience with someone is to be valued for, it is not everything. When the act of consummating and conquering that special someone for the moment and at times just for the night has been completed, you are left alone. A shell of oneself. You turn over and allow the sweat to dry up. The scent of passion no longer clings to the air. The air which was once fresh is now stale of the after scent. You can't sleep, because this person you spent time with, is not the person you want to share your life with. I always hear the question "Well how can you be intimate and share yourself with others, when you don't want to be with them?" A simple answer and a personal answer is, having the ability to dictate and control the In's and outs of your life be it general hanging, casual hanging and the sexual aspect is something that allows you to control your emotions and feelings. I will not fall in love with a casual fling, it should not and does not mean anything. That was a reality I lived by, and also, you are utilizing the casual experience as a place holder for someone you truly want to be with and experience, but the inability to capture them, has spoiled over to your casual person or "jump off". So with all that being said I am realizing I want more.
More then a rumble in the sheets. More then time spent together occasionally. More then a call or text or Blackberry message. MORE! I am deserving of more, and should appreciate the effort and time I put into living and caring for someone. I also must regard my others feelings and know that if it's to be it will be. Fear of trying, and fear of being hurt and remaining emotionally indifferent has scarred me, however, it has not burnt me. So I am using this blog on this date as a way of saying HEY WORLD I WANT MORE! Alot of my ways, and even beliefs I previously held will have to change and develop into something more positive. My fear of love and being in love are forevermore changed. "I'm Ready"
Lesson Seven--So with that being said, whomever you are here is to YOU:
Allow me to be your other half. Someone that completes you. After a long day, let me shower you or bathe you if you like. Let me feed you your favorite meal and get you situated right. Let me hear your hard days of work and strifes. Allow me to kiss you and rest and relax with you. Knowing that laying with you will not be temporary or something fleeting. Closing my eyes and hearing you breath is everything and ALL I ever need.