My mind has remained focused on a self cleansing of sorts. To have the ability to renew my life in a positive way, by inviting positive people and experiences into my life, I can not and will not go wrong. If only when we write out everything, would it come to fruition after the last point and period. The day after a huge celebration and acknowledgement of change and transitions began with a bawling of tears. I cry for the failures, for the inability to see things through and for the inability to control and conduct myself in a manner that left and led me into better and positive situations. Then another emotion comes over me. Anger. Why the heck am I transitioning my life yet again. It seems as if constant change and fluctuations should be my first and last name. So when this emotions passes me over and I begin to settle again, I am left with ME feelings. This sense of cleansing and a sense of renewal and a start of something new is intoxicating. I want change. I want renewal and further more I want the sense of relaxation that comes over me when I know everything will be just fine.
How to maintain relationships.......
Having self checked myself I noticed that I have the "Daffy Duck" syndrome. In this self diagnoised syndrome I want everything to be my way, happen my way, start and finish my way. Although someone may be directing their feelings and attentions very expressive and openly towards me, I still want things to happen all according to me. So I decided to take a look at the root of the problem. When someone doesnt want to pursue a relationship in your terms "Boo'ed up", you can not hold a grudge against them or get upset. Previously if I heard something I did not like "We should be friends" "Let things happen and take it times" "Why rush" I would erase that persons name and number from my cellphone, email, myspace, facebook, AOL instant messenger, Blackberry Messenger and any social networking or instant messaging service. I just could not stand the idea of actually continuing a conversation with this person. My logic was "If they could not be with me on a particular level, why then would you want to continue to talk to me?". Whenever I would get a message from the denied someone I would appear nonchalant and "Oopps, who is this " when answering my phone or checking messages, although I memorized every name and number and screen name, and ID the person had. My pride, and rejected sense pushed me through the embarassment or just being friends. The idea of actually getting to know the person, acknowledging that hey the dating aspect of me and them did not work out, but perhaps there was a legway into a friendship.
So with that entertaining experience being placed in my past behaviors not to occur again list, I have found out a lot about myself. Not everyone is going to like or for the matter love me. I have to embrace what I am and how I see myself very openly and honestly. Although we would love for the ones we throw our hearts, the kitchen sink and everything we cherish and hold dearly in life to want us just as much, we can't let rejections get the best of us. If we were to like everyone or everyone was to like us, man we would be in a huge war and battle. Could you just imagine the Maury shows (LAUGHING OUT LOUD)
Dear THAT SOMEONE......
So I come to you as a friend. Although when I initially met you my sense of attraction leaped out of my shirt! It was like ding ding "Lets get it on". You made me laugh and smile, and better yet you made me comfortable. As we furthered started to get to know each other and intermix a friendship into an early intimate start and relationship, well I hoped the rest (dating and relating seriously) would soon begin to follow, but it didn't. Like a wounded animal, I liked the raw streched skin (my heart) back to size. I did not question or even ask you anything, because I felt as if I had no place feeling so much emotions, so soon and for that matter with you. I assumed that should I talk to you, you would not even acknowledge or hear me out, because after all I was not your Girl friend, or potential. I was a "pretty cool" girl, who was a catch. "Why didn't anyone snatch you up" you'd say....and I would think "Why didn't you snatch me up". So weeks of upheaval and inner conflict and strife produced a sense of rock bottomm which sprang fourth this renewal. A connection with me, with you. A connection with my mind, body and soul, all spirited as one. I no longer will look at you with hate, for you have not fufilled my need of want, desire and connecting with me. I will not become upset, because you are not interested in me romantically, I will welcome your friendship, but limited; for I am not your erotic toy, nor will I openly and willingly be so pleasing unless it's well deserved and mutually agreeded that there is more to come fourth and forward from my satin sheets. I will learn the meaning of a friendship. Am I to be attracted to you?Possibly. Am I going to want to get to know you? Definitely. Will I want to be casual with you? Nope. Simple stated questions, but yet so hard to ask and answer out in the midst or primal need and want. Although I have readily acknowledged my need to be needed and wanted and desired for, it will and has taken on an entire meaning when it's a mutual desire with more to reward and offer as it plays on. For that saying and meaning I am stunted and stopped in my tracks. I will and can wait. For I desire mutual reciprocity.
Lesson Eight: To wait is to age as wine
There is no need to rush for I am awaiting you. As I accept this new sense of dedication, this new way of growth in my life I await you. For you don't complete me as I once thought, you compliment me. I will respect my friendships and develop boundaries, but with you I will break down every wall you desire to bind me to. For we have bonded. I will await you.