Tell me more.......
So cutting the ties that have bonded me has never before been so difficult. Someone you are crushing on, and thinking and dreaming of passionately..... (Here comes a huge bucket of COLD WATER on your head) Wake up time! So although I declared war on my dating and relating life and resolved to actively seek solitude and celibacy rule, I have ventured to say the poisonous detox is starting. This is not the best feeling of even encouraging one to go through this torture of a withdrawal. Although I make and break myself, open myself to happiness and sadness, I know that this feeling and moment is just not for me. Where is my happiness, where the fuck is my rays of sunshine? How one concieve of so many cwhat if's in a day? It's like damned if I am, and I sure am! So with all of this said I continue to move forward and through this moment in time, although I appear stagnant. I see no positive changes, and my motivating factor continues to dim in the light of all lights....which are truth. I am feeling a disconnection from all and everyone. I am quick to blame, become harsh with my wording, looking for trouble, easily and eagerly engaged in a verbal match with another who wants to contend with me. I am very distracted, and also, annoyed instantly. I dislike these moments and feelings, because it is my way of letting go. Letting the anger and resentment and hurt funnel out of my body. Distressed I am. Sadden and upset I am. I can only think back and recount the "Where did I go wrong moment". Talking to my friends is therapeutic, but it never lessens the pain you feel. The hurt that is aching throughout your body. I hold my head down in shame of my actions and behaviors. I become super emotional, and within these emotions my passions are ablaze. I feel like I can do, react and respond to just about anyone and anything, all in good judgment???? Nope! So I know I must refrain and stay away from these feelings and emotions, and swallow this recent relationship bitter pill.
Tears of release.......
Each one that slides down my face is for you. It's releasing you from me, from within me. Some nights were crazy, some nights was extremely passionate, but this night there is nothing more than the closing of all my doors. The door to my mind is closed. The door to my heart is closed. The door to my body is most definitely closed. I cannot comprehend you, nor do I want to figure you out right now. I have no idea how and why I personalized this experience, or what let me to think that you wanted me so. I shed that tear, because that sentence was too deep. Deep enough that it pushed a few more tears out. Damn this is fucking with me. I mean really making me think back to the time in my life when I cared or even for that matter lusted after someone deeply. We promise ourselves this all the time "Never to fall and hurt again", but we succumb to a poisonous death.
Deep in my sadness I still survive. i hold my head up truly high and look to the sky for healing, counseling and guidance. Truly blessed I am. I know this because of what I have witnessed and experienced. I may falter and stumble, but I am always walking steady. Times may be hard and difficult, but I maintain and make it through. I will not always live up to even my expectations, but I am never EVER going to be a secondary or stagnant figure in your life. Cancel me out, close this door, for I have forgotten and won’t look to you anymore. Good Bye!
Lesson Nine: Staying True
Deep inside my needs and desire encompass all. This may not necessarily be a good thing, but hey it's what guides me through. I trust and love me enough to know that all in all, it and people, and unpleasant experiences will pass.