Posts

Showing posts from May, 2011

Down time

Just being still and in the moment serves no particular purpose for me. My mind is active with many thoughts and possibilities, however, there is no game plan and follow up procedures prescribed.
I am in a relaxed and restful state, but I would not necessarily say I am at peace. The calm before a many storms? Yes, I can identify with that statement and support it whole hearted.
So where was I.......so now I was thinking of picking up entirely and starting anew. Leaving my someplace and birthplace as a distant memory. The moments experienced with friends and family and immediate loved ones will be the nostalgic dreams, feelings and sensations desired for. Could this idea be possible and come to fruition? Well I made a driven month attempt to go hard or go home motto, in my search for the new life and reality check I feel I needed. I applied for several jobs positions on a daily basis. I rewrote, revised, reissued and sent my cover letter and resume to many. I faxed and searched and sea…

Leap of faith-

If you had the ability to take everything for what it was worth and at face value, would you? There is nothing at face value for me anymore. Everything that is presenting itself, remains everything that I need and want. I am ready and eager to accept it all. Whatever it is still remains the questionable pink elephant in the room. Fighting the ability to remain on the straight and narrow, fighting the ability to remain conscious of whatever I am committed to, and whatever I have to focus on. The stressors and the struggles that we all face, remain ever so present, but I am denouncing it. I look life and the stressors and serious responsibilities in the face and take on each problem individually. If it's not one thing, there will always remain another. I have presented this blog from my romantic and relationship woes, life viewpoints and minds eyes, written openly and honestly. I fear no intrusions of someone attempting to change and transition my life any further. Battle scarred, a…

Im ready for you!

I was born for you……

Dear transitional me….I am writing you this letter to let you know that although you have fears, and also, possible self sabotaging tendencies; you will make it through and be ok. If you think about it, life is a fairy tale, constantly being written and re-written. Your dreams are lived out vicariously through your resting soul from 12 am until 6am. Your fears, inhibitions and humanistic tendencies to remain safe, stable and uninterrupted, all of these experiences and feelings are to be laid to rest. I am writing you to let you know that you will reach out to yourself, and be the stable stall worth figure I know you to be. Your fears, trials and tribulations are to be eased, as you make your way through this world. I am telling you that one year of your life is not a lifetime. Taking a day to rest and think is easily approved and smiled upon, even taking one to two weeks of vacation is to be expected, but a year of your time rattles your brain, causing rampant feel…

A tumultuous change………

So the pathway for transition and change is being put forward. In order for me to get that illusive “something” and “someone” I must SEEK and search for “it”. So with that being said the release of the old and the entrance of the new appeals to me more and more. Life continues to teach me the many lessons that need to be learned. I am seeking no excuses or life passes, just continued guidance and perfection of all of the learned lessons, to finally completion and the ability to enjoy the many moments and more.
So as I venture to him, I am wondering just exactly what are my motivations? I am driven to him by simple interest, the need to feel a connection, and also, much anticipated relaxation and down time from New York City. The hustle and bustle of my hometown no longer excites me as before. I am left cold in the loud, lit up noisy at times nights. I am pacing back and fourth attempting to figure out where exactly am I going? Although my life path and patterns are up in the air at the…

It's been REAL.......

So let’s just say that I am finally deciding that all relationships are not subject to global wars, and that two people can actually work well together to productively live in unison? Hmm…. The more I search for reason and normalcy the more I am pushed into indecision and confusion. I fear structure, but want that steadfast communication with my partner. I fear relying on someone and simply falling backwards, hands in the air and both eyes closed, but yet I need you, and want to be needed by you, as I openly depend on you. I would like for you to be there for me when I am coming home. I would like to express our days over dinner, and relaxing on the couch. I want to be smothered by your body, safe and secure, but then again I want to be free to move and fly like the solo birds. My destination unknown, but my independence announced.
To want to feel and express so much it so tempting and at times it can have a down side. I want to tell you everything from my wake up to my lay down. I wa…

What am I exactly awaiting?

Is it you? Is it her? Is it we? I have no idea anymore. I am contemplating so many thoughts at this moment. It’s as if I continually ask myself, “Where exactly is this love road taking me to?” I have no set answer, or for that matter I have no desire to really get a response back. It’s as if my learning curve as entirely gone awry. I am looking for that particular relationship and someone who doesn’t give me any issues or problems. Issues in regards to nagging, and stressful moments, or their inability to just be and live life vicariously thorough good dreams or the seat of their pants. Relationship problems have plagued me. If it is not the male being overly “in love” with me, it’s me being overly in love with him, and my feelings not being received too well, or me not wanting to receive their feelings back. The lies, the games, the stories, the inability to just be upfront and frank and say “Hey, I am talking to several other people, and you are on that list, but according to your n…

A balancing act of sorts…..

So I am embracing new beginnings and the start of something new. I clear my mind from the past slights and hurt, and disappointments to then begin to address you. I address you from a far at first. I am thinking to myself “Is this the one?” “Can this be the one?” “Will I know for sure?” “When will I know for sure?” ….all of these questions come to my mind. There is something quite interesting about you that has held me captivated in such a short time. In this time I was able to smile, and laugh again, and the biggest feature was in my smile. Addressing you in person soon followed….the build up of wanting to know you, but getting to know you at a distance was best. I really wanted to take my time and really soak in the emotional essence of an impending connection. I addressed you in person, and I was missing that wanted for connection. I missed that spark that would send me reeling towards you. I missed that click, the snap, the jump in the air and the all around YES feeling. However, …