Down time

Just being still and in the moment serves no particular purpose for me. My mind is active with many thoughts and possibilities, however, there is no game plan and follow up procedures prescribed.
I am in a relaxed and restful state, but I would not necessarily say I am at peace. The calm before a many storms? Yes, I can identify with that statement and support it whole hearted.
So where was I.......so now I was thinking of picking up entirely and starting anew. Leaving my someplace and birthplace as a distant memory. The moments experienced with friends and family and immediate loved ones will be the nostalgic dreams, feelings and sensations desired for. Could this idea be possible and come to fruition? Well I made a driven month attempt to go hard or go home motto, in my search for the new life and reality check I feel I needed. I applied for several jobs positions on a daily basis. I rewrote, revised, reissued and sent my cover letter and resume to many. I faxed and searched and searched and from all of that hard work, one employer contacted me back, asking if I could interview within the next couple of days. My luck being extraordinarily off the written path, didn't allow me to be able to make the interview. Of course I was kindly told that my resume would be held on file. So was that the stake to the heart needed to insure my future abilities at up and leaving New York as nonexistent as ever before? Hmmmm I wondered this to myself, but then I thought my fears of changing and transitioning and starting over bothered me. I have gotten use to just being and dealing with whatever was presented to me, because it was to be expected. The off the written and beaten path not necessarily worked well with me, and that I had a major problem with. It was and it is time for me to revamp and remake a new me, improved on the life basis of making my dreams and happiness come true, and for this I will continue to strive and push forward. My tomorrow looked better than ever before. My today continues to be in question, and my past has left me delirious and empty, so why wouldn't I strive for more.

So as I continue to contemplate my life, a growing sadness overcomes me. In this time of go it alone, do it alone and live on your own, I am left holding all within. I never felt the need of needing someone until recently. I feel like being held, caressed and coddled all at once. I feel the need to look into my partners eyes and feel assured that everything is going to be ok. The safety net and secure feeling is what's missing for me. I truly understand that I am able to do and complete life things individually, but my heart isn't always in the independent state of mind. So as I attempt to draw connections out of others, look for that compatibility link and by all means make numerous attempts to draw from them, I am still left empty, and holding it all in. They say laughter is the best medicine for all times, however, my tears make me believe I exist. My. Loser off heart is crying to be in loved and loved again. Is this signs of returning to the lovers battlefield? I don't know, but what I do know is that my tears are warm......

Lesson sixty four: You can never be stuck for too long.....
Although my mind and heart are fluttering and overwhelmed at the same time, I know this down period exists for a reason. The lesson to be learned is that in my stillness, I remain able and aware to continue in forward and further in life. To base everything on experiences and guided passions in life. To have the ability to think life throughly through, and respond with an action remains the mystery. Search, but never forget the dedication and progress that has been made from now until then. In this down time, all answers will free your mind.

Leap of faith-

If you had the ability to take everything for what it was worth and at face value, would you? There is nothing at face value for me anymore. Everything that is presenting itself, remains everything that I need and want. I am ready and eager to accept it all. Whatever it is still remains the questionable pink elephant in the room. Fighting the ability to remain on the straight and narrow, fighting the ability to remain conscious of whatever I am committed to, and whatever I have to focus on. The stressors and the struggles that we all face, remain ever so present, but I am denouncing it. I look life and the stressors and serious responsibilities in the face and take on each problem individually. If it's not one thing, there will always remain another. I have presented this blog from my romantic and relationship woes, life viewpoints and minds eyes, written openly and honestly. I fear no intrusions of someone attempting to change and transition my life any further. Battle scarred, and daring the world to continue to push and press me further.
So I wait. I wait on life to not pass me by any longer. I don't wait on a particular dream to in theory, not come true. I patiently wait as I put and place evering together. One life piece at a time. My biggest fear is not succeeding, and I shall succeed.
So the dreams I must make and find a way to fulfill. My desires and passions are what pulls and not pushes me away.

Finding a way.......
As I got on the plane heading to New Orleans, I decided to make my best attempts at forgetting rit now, and living for the dreamed of tomorrow. I am situating myself on a better note. A note never played or heard by myself. A note that is even foreign to someone's musical ears. So I am challenging myself to dare to dream hard and long. To live each day as an adventure. Thankful for everything I recieve, and am blessed with. Thankful for the guiding tools of people who enter my life. Every person is a life lesson, teaching and guiding me on building a better me. So each moment in time and person experienced I welcome. I invite you to take part in my life and growth spasms. My growing pains and moments in time where I am limitless, and assumed lifeless, but I am hopeful and mindful and always in a state of life lesson learned, I welcome it all. Dressing my mind and spacing myself from defeat.

Romantically challenged....
I dre say that I am not looking for love in all the wrong places. Actually I am ready for that soul connection, however, I am not done with my life mission. I know there is something more fulfilling and satisfying out there for me. Life is a teaser, but there is more left to her! So taking my time and slowly going forward. Enjoying the dates, the encounters, and also, the love left, lost and free to experience. I normally would be in a state of finding the ideal mate and right person, however, there is neither a right or an entirely wrong person. Eeryone has something that will attract you and also peeve you, however, nothing is set in stone, and pressure is whatever we make it. I take a stance from someone who has compromised herself many a days and times in my life. That little girl who grew from an emotionally indifferent upbringing, to an almost gypsy-flower child love masses and forget self state. I was Braisen, emotionally enchanting and cold all at once. This took an enormous amount of time and consumed my poisioned heart, but then again I survived and made it to here.....my now, and yet I welcome it and all, with a sense of ease, emotional intelligence and the ability to self reflect and write each and every experienced emotion. I welcome it.....

Lesson Sixty Three: Take time to let life in.
I am taking this moment to let everything out. Eerything as in all emotional feelings, moments in time and precious drawing experiences that is presenting itself to me. Everything matters and counts. Veering is built on a learning curve, which flows within us. Even during our down times and down sides in life, we are truly fortunate and able to come through the rubbles and at times life ashes. For this, I am grateful. Fr this I am opening my mind and life's eyes to all. I welcome it.

Im ready for you!

I was born for you……

Dear transitional me….I am writing you this letter to let you know that although you have fears, and also, possible self sabotaging tendencies; you will make it through and be ok. If you think about it, life is a fairy tale, constantly being written and re-written. Your dreams are lived out vicariously through your resting soul from 12 am until 6am. Your fears, inhibitions and humanistic tendencies to remain safe, stable and uninterrupted, all of these experiences and feelings are to be laid to rest. I am writing you to let you know that you will reach out to yourself, and be the stable stall worth figure I know you to be. Your fears, trials and tribulations are to be eased, as you make your way through this world. I am telling you that one year of your life is not a lifetime. Taking a day to rest and think is easily approved and smiled upon, even taking one to two weeks of vacation is to be expected, but a year of your time rattles your brain, causing rampant feelings of anxieties and insecurities. Face them I say. Challenge yourself. A year is nothing, but a blink in your life. A life that has been through sacrifices, loss of love, family members and at times life stability. I struggled. I cringed whenever I couldn’t find a way to make ends meet, however, I made it through these rough times, and I am standing tall and still. So what makes this time any different than before? So you….I write to you asking you to be free with your mind and thoughts, to allow yourself to experience and dream and sacrifice. Begin anew, re-create and balance you. Count all of your blessings and continue to have faith and dream. I am living within a battle immersed is my soul in my modern day reality. As I step fourth I break free, as free as I am I still am bounded by life lessons and assumed fates, but slowly and surely I am moving forward. So you as I write this and you as you read this challenge and dare yourself. Transcend and transform. Creativity is the key, optimism is the medicine required to continue the movement. Stray you will never be. Easily forgotten and impossible to see, you will never be. Realistically fluent, gifted and blessed you will always be.

Chasing you……
There is more of a pull behind this move. There is more of a need to be there. New Orleans has beckoned and called me. In her most dire times and pained memories, I researched and read up on her, and finally graced Louis Armstrong airport with my appearance and most recent heartfelt thoughts to the musical inclined, mystical city. Her charm and color and traumatic and triumphant history calls to me. Trapped and captivated was my heart and soul by the cities mysticism. My eyes lit up as a child’s eyes on Christmas day. As I walked Canal and Bourbon streets, in the heart of the French Quarters I began searching. I have no idea what exactly I was searching for, but the calm and solemn came into my heart and mind. I began to ease my mind and my life’s mind of the daily burdens and stressor that has inhabited me as I resided in New York City. Although this was a brief week trip out of my hectic everyday in my life, I made this retreat feel as if it was a lifetime enjoyment. Passing the tourist and natives on the street, hearing the twang of the legendary Cajun talk. I felt at home and at ease, so as I lay myself to sleep at while I was resting in my queen –sized hotel bed I said “One day I will come back home”. To myself I considered New Orleans home already. I already began to envision myself awaking to a morning in New Orleans, walking to the local hang out spot for breakfast, legs crossed, sipping my mocha café, listening to select jazz tunes of local and imports to the city. Walking in the misty, humid and rain dewed city of downtown New Orleans. Bopping to the beat of my own drums.
2010 provided many tremendous blessed trips and I visited New Orleans and fell back in love with her. In 2011 I decided that we aren’t to be far or away from each other any longer or anymore. I am courting the city that slips its visitors into intoxicating trances. I am courting an uncertain, unplanned and thrown into the middle of it all type of future. I am asking for you to be gentle and kind with me for there is something beckoning to me in the dark……

So as I enter an unknown world and experience I know that you wait for me. I also know that you continue to desire and want me. I also know that you are my destiny, throughout all the trials and tribulations and struggles you have made it clear to me that you need me and I need you. I am appreciative and blessed to have you in my life and in my heart, continuing to guide me throughout these experiences. You are the shadow that casts no clouds over my existence. You assist me and further my intentions on success. You bring out the biggest and brightest me. For that I am thankful. Although I endless chase the ones who deserve nothing but a passing by gesture from me, you continue to remain patient and responsive. I cut off all communications with you, but you welcome a month(s) delayed text back with opened arms. Your love has risen and rose for me, and for that I am coming home.

Lesson Sixty Two: Let life guide and direct you…..
Life continues to belt out many ranges of happenings, however, each life lesson is received many ways, and for this lesson I need to be mindful of everything that’s being shown and given to me. I am taking the necessary leaps and risks to see something be attained and come to fruition. Opening your heart and mind, and releasing the tension and stress is opening a pathway of acceptance and beginning to the beautiful aspects of the stagnant held life we all maintain on a daily basis. Why remain unkind to our dreams. Turning everything received into a reality and for that I am hopeful.

A tumultuous change………

So the pathway for transition and change is being put forward. In order for me to get that illusive “something” and “someone” I must SEEK and search for “it”. So with that being said the release of the old and the entrance of the new appeals to me more and more. Life continues to teach me the many lessons that need to be learned. I am seeking no excuses or life passes, just continued guidance and perfection of all of the learned lessons, to finally completion and the ability to enjoy the many moments and more.
So as I venture to him, I am wondering just exactly what are my motivations? I am driven to him by simple interest, the need to feel a connection, and also, much anticipated relaxation and down time from New York City. The hustle and bustle of my hometown no longer excites me as before. I am left cold in the loud, lit up noisy at times nights. I am pacing back and fourth attempting to figure out where exactly am I going? Although my life path and patterns are up in the air at the moment, my heart path is situated and read to sail forward. I can’t make any emotions occur over night. I can’t pretend to feel something I have hardly experienced with you. I can however, take the time to develop and find out where exactly I stand with you. Is it me, or does everyone initially jump the broom and figure out the sweeping assignments later on during the relationship?
I am constantly telling myself that nothing is over night, and nothing can be rushed and created in a span of a few days. We are sensitive and emotional beings, and our individual needs and wants varies, as well as our love, desire and affections for others. Life will continue to present a series of maybe’s, possibly, and just on time type individuals of your particular interest, however, we must not lose that notion, and enthusiasm in our attempts at trying and seeking others out……

A SPEECH for all?
So as I clean and clear away all paths that have blocked me, I am left wondering where exactly I am off to on this set journey? I recently made a decision to be more family oriented personally. It’s time that I take on my own responsibilities, and birth the most joyous package in the world a woman can receive. So all of the thoughts of family life, actively dating, but really making my thoughts and feelings clear about the type of relationship I am looking forward to, and the type of mate I am desiring to experience and be with……IT’s as if a jumble of life just spewed forth on the computer screen, but as long winded as that appears, the short winded version continues to tell me…..”where exactly am I going”?
So a new change of surroundings, a different life style and setting, a new take on life and how I want others to see and view me personally, and a new introspective look at my passions, desires and appeals towards my mate. The shadowed figure of a man who continues to haunt me. No longer plagues me. No longer assaulting my senses with dreams filled with passion, eroticism, pregnant desires and marriage and commitment desires. I can smell him now. I await for him now. I am ready for your love. For my love has transcended it all.

Lesson Sixty One: A CHANGE IS GOING TO COME….

So as I embark on the latest obsession of figuring this life of mine out, I can only smile and nod my head in acceptance of these changes. I nod out of contentment and pleasure. I am passionately driven to excel and exceed and love harder and longer. My fears of commitments and down playing of failed and superficial relationships are being amended. My honesty in my wording and truth in my heart continues to guide me forward. Pushed am I to the limit. Back to the wall. Heart below my sleeve. It is the sign of a changing time. I love me more than ever before. I am ready for life and love. I will continue to write about the struggles and stressors in my life. I will continue to exercise my emotions and hearts in a written nature. My medical resolve and therapeutic outlet.

It's been REAL.......

So let’s just say that I am finally deciding that all relationships are not subject to global wars, and that two people can actually work well together to productively live in unison? Hmm…. The more I search for reason and normalcy the more I am pushed into indecision and confusion. I fear structure, but want that steadfast communication with my partner. I fear relying on someone and simply falling backwards, hands in the air and both eyes closed, but yet I need you, and want to be needed by you, as I openly depend on you. I would like for you to be there for me when I am coming home. I would like to express our days over dinner, and relaxing on the couch. I want to be smothered by your body, safe and secure, but then again I want to be free to move and fly like the solo birds. My destination unknown, but my independence announced.
To want to feel and express so much it so tempting and at times it can have a down side. I want to tell you everything from my wake up to my lay down. I want to describe to you every inch of a way and experience, so you know just how to attend to me. My needs are to be addressed, but you know exactly what I am feeling and experiencing, so I wouldn’t have to over state anything to you. You already know, and for that I love you……..
The down side to being in love, is being unable to shelter yourself. Once again you are left open to any slights, hurts and moments that may push you back and challenge even the sturdiest of feelings. You may have opened up, and shared your world with someone, and allowed yourself to feel a sense of connections and feelings to them, with them and for them, to then not receive a response back from them, or to be partially suspended in the romantic air by your heart strings, pulling and tearing and bleeding all around you. Love is one emotion that encompasses it all, but it’s an intoxicating emotion that requires constant maintenance and care. Although love can present itself in many ways, and blossom and be groomed to become something larger than life, or be taken away from someone’s life, love, affections, romance and passions are what makes many people’s moments, and what breaks somes’ lives. …….
So addressing myself as real as possible, and thinking as a realist I must say I have to embrace these experiences and even find solace in the down side of life, for everything that goes down eventually will come right back up!

Lesson Sixty: Passion and Destruction births New Life and Hope
Although my passionate ride has descended and then resurfaced I have decided to chart another boat and sail the high seas uncharted and free from all that has tied me behind. On this new journey I am welcoming enchantment, love, laughter, life and the simplicity of it all.

What am I exactly awaiting?

Is it you? Is it her? Is it we? I have no idea anymore. I am contemplating so many thoughts at this moment. It’s as if I continually ask myself, “Where exactly is this love road taking me to?” I have no set answer, or for that matter I have no desire to really get a response back. It’s as if my learning curve as entirely gone awry. I am looking for that particular relationship and someone who doesn’t give me any issues or problems. Issues in regards to nagging, and stressful moments, or their inability to just be and live life vicariously thorough good dreams or the seat of their pants. Relationship problems have plagued me. If it is not the male being overly “in love” with me, it’s me being overly in love with him, and my feelings not being received too well, or me not wanting to receive their feelings back. The lies, the games, the stories, the inability to just be upfront and frank and say “Hey, I am talking to several other people, and you are on that list, but according to your number on that list you aren’t a priority!” Ouch one would say, but to a survivor of the occasional broken heart, the response would differ and might involve a gracious thank you!

So I begin this thought with where am I going with my love life. I make many attempts to see love through, or bring closure to the poisoned love that has spilled over into my life. I make attempts at writing my thoughts out and truly expressing my feelings, because it brings resolve, closure and also justification for my thoughts and actions. So out of these moments and experiences, answers come! I am making my best attempts at piecing together. I am trying to figure out my fears of love. Why I choose males who are unapproachable to the realm of relationships, marriage, children and making the most of each moment and attempts with ME. Why I am sheltering myself from that long awaited for feeling and outpouring of emotionally draining at times love?

As I lay in dream land……
I want to awake in his embrace, and the back of my neck being kissed as he sets aside my hair. At night when he is cold or I cold, I want us to connect from foot to head and be. I would love to awake and make you breakfast, and brush my teeth as you showered, or perhaps we shower together and discuss the day ahead. Vacations would be family oriented, and BBQ’s would symbolize our connected family and friends. Life would have its moments, but our love and respect for each other would remain prominent. Where are you and when will step in front of me? Why must I continue to walk aimlessly into these dead end relationships and experiences? My sexual need and current is so high right now, I just don’t want to spoil myself with anyone else. I want to breathe your aroma and become intoxicated with ease and passions. Your passions bestowed upon me.

So as I write this I am looking forward and almost at a crossroads in my life. My fears have paralyzed me to the point of being emotionally indifferent and accepting in regards to certain types of relationships, and the people we attract in these relationships. I am better than my body. My mind is tighter than my birthing canal. My heart is solid and stronger than ever before. I am in love with myself, and that’s something I never acknowledged or experienced. I am in love with me, so I must be gentle and careful with my heart and hearts intentions. As with everything else, my values and esteem has risen and I look forward to the male who will claim my love, my heart and mind, body and soul and complete all connecting pieces

Lesson Fifty Nine: Let love and life be…..

Reconnecting all the pieces and flowering my world with love. Believing that I can achieve anything and experience anything as much as possible. I am honored to be reconnecting and vibing with my life and I am just letting love be. For good or for bad love must occur. All fears must be washed away. I have no doubt that he awaits for me, as he will await for you. The ideal companion and peppermint to our patties! Amen!

A balancing act of sorts…..

So I am embracing new beginnings and the start of something new. I clear my mind from the past slights and hurt, and disappointments to then begin to address you. I address you from a far at first. I am thinking to myself “Is this the one?” “Can this be the one?” “Will I know for sure?” “When will I know for sure?” ….all of these questions come to my mind. There is something quite interesting about you that has held me captivated in such a short time. In this time I was able to smile, and laugh again, and the biggest feature was in my smile. Addressing you in person soon followed….the build up of wanting to know you, but getting to know you at a distance was best. I really wanted to take my time and really soak in the emotional essence of an impending connection. I addressed you in person, and I was missing that wanted for connection. I missed that spark that would send me reeling towards you. I missed that click, the snap, the jump in the air and the all around YES feeling. However, nothing is guaranteed to occur as one expects, and also, nothing is set in stone; so I enjoyed your presence and company. Your attention to detail and masculinity. I declined all the signs of “hmmm he is just not interesting to me in that way” to “Just make it happen, go with the flow, you will see”. All I know is that I enjoyed myself during our time spent, but I couldn’t help but think about someone else. My love for him is truly deep. My need for him continues to drive me into my deepest sleep states searching for the long lost embrace. I want you to be him. I wish for you to be him, so I could drive him out of my heart and my mind……but it failed. You aren’t him. ……or better than him, so I am left to continue this journey alone…..

Finding forever in a moment’s time…..It’s ok….as I think and type the more I am happy with you, and who you are developing into. Yes you……ME! I am sensing my needs and wants continually changing, and ye I am happy to declare a want and need like never before. I want love, and the passionate state of mind. I need to feel just as included as ever before. I desire for you to not doubt me, or partially appeal to me or towards me, but I want it all. The mutual respect and connection and pull from one romantically inclined person to another. Love is a strong word, but having loved, and experienced love and want for continued love is all one will ever know and need in this life.

Lesson 58:
Let the decisions and balancing acts begin! I am not afraid to transition and make attempts. I am not accepting anything and anyone just cause......living your life!