What am I exactly awaiting?

Is it you? Is it her? Is it we? I have no idea anymore. I am contemplating so many thoughts at this moment. It’s as if I continually ask myself, “Where exactly is this love road taking me to?” I have no set answer, or for that matter I have no desire to really get a response back. It’s as if my learning curve as entirely gone awry. I am looking for that particular relationship and someone who doesn’t give me any issues or problems. Issues in regards to nagging, and stressful moments, or their inability to just be and live life vicariously thorough good dreams or the seat of their pants. Relationship problems have plagued me. If it is not the male being overly “in love” with me, it’s me being overly in love with him, and my feelings not being received too well, or me not wanting to receive their feelings back. The lies, the games, the stories, the inability to just be upfront and frank and say “Hey, I am talking to several other people, and you are on that list, but according to your number on that list you aren’t a priority!” Ouch one would say, but to a survivor of the occasional broken heart, the response would differ and might involve a gracious thank you!

So I begin this thought with where am I going with my love life. I make many attempts to see love through, or bring closure to the poisoned love that has spilled over into my life. I make attempts at writing my thoughts out and truly expressing my feelings, because it brings resolve, closure and also justification for my thoughts and actions. So out of these moments and experiences, answers come! I am making my best attempts at piecing together. I am trying to figure out my fears of love. Why I choose males who are unapproachable to the realm of relationships, marriage, children and making the most of each moment and attempts with ME. Why I am sheltering myself from that long awaited for feeling and outpouring of emotionally draining at times love?

As I lay in dream land……
I want to awake in his embrace, and the back of my neck being kissed as he sets aside my hair. At night when he is cold or I cold, I want us to connect from foot to head and be. I would love to awake and make you breakfast, and brush my teeth as you showered, or perhaps we shower together and discuss the day ahead. Vacations would be family oriented, and BBQ’s would symbolize our connected family and friends. Life would have its moments, but our love and respect for each other would remain prominent. Where are you and when will step in front of me? Why must I continue to walk aimlessly into these dead end relationships and experiences? My sexual need and current is so high right now, I just don’t want to spoil myself with anyone else. I want to breathe your aroma and become intoxicated with ease and passions. Your passions bestowed upon me.

So as I write this I am looking forward and almost at a crossroads in my life. My fears have paralyzed me to the point of being emotionally indifferent and accepting in regards to certain types of relationships, and the people we attract in these relationships. I am better than my body. My mind is tighter than my birthing canal. My heart is solid and stronger than ever before. I am in love with myself, and that’s something I never acknowledged or experienced. I am in love with me, so I must be gentle and careful with my heart and hearts intentions. As with everything else, my values and esteem has risen and I look forward to the male who will claim my love, my heart and mind, body and soul and complete all connecting pieces

Lesson Fifty Nine: Let love and life be…..

Reconnecting all the pieces and flowering my world with love. Believing that I can achieve anything and experience anything as much as possible. I am honored to be reconnecting and vibing with my life and I am just letting love be. For good or for bad love must occur. All fears must be washed away. I have no doubt that he awaits for me, as he will await for you. The ideal companion and peppermint to our patties! Amen!


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