Down time

Just being still and in the moment serves no particular purpose for me. My mind is active with many thoughts and possibilities, however, there is no game plan and follow up procedures prescribed.
I am in a relaxed and restful state, but I would not necessarily say I am at peace. The calm before a many storms? Yes, I can identify with that statement and support it whole hearted.
So where was now I was thinking of picking up entirely and starting anew. Leaving my someplace and birthplace as a distant memory. The moments experienced with friends and family and immediate loved ones will be the nostalgic dreams, feelings and sensations desired for. Could this idea be possible and come to fruition? Well I made a driven month attempt to go hard or go home motto, in my search for the new life and reality check I feel I needed. I applied for several jobs positions on a daily basis. I rewrote, revised, reissued and sent my cover letter and resume to many. I faxed and searched and searched and from all of that hard work, one employer contacted me back, asking if I could interview within the next couple of days. My luck being extraordinarily off the written path, didn't allow me to be able to make the interview. Of course I was kindly told that my resume would be held on file. So was that the stake to the heart needed to insure my future abilities at up and leaving New York as nonexistent as ever before? Hmmmm I wondered this to myself, but then I thought my fears of changing and transitioning and starting over bothered me. I have gotten use to just being and dealing with whatever was presented to me, because it was to be expected. The off the written and beaten path not necessarily worked well with me, and that I had a major problem with. It was and it is time for me to revamp and remake a new me, improved on the life basis of making my dreams and happiness come true, and for this I will continue to strive and push forward. My tomorrow looked better than ever before. My today continues to be in question, and my past has left me delirious and empty, so why wouldn't I strive for more.

So as I continue to contemplate my life, a growing sadness overcomes me. In this time of go it alone, do it alone and live on your own, I am left holding all within. I never felt the need of needing someone until recently. I feel like being held, caressed and coddled all at once. I feel the need to look into my partners eyes and feel assured that everything is going to be ok. The safety net and secure feeling is what's missing for me. I truly understand that I am able to do and complete life things individually, but my heart isn't always in the independent state of mind. So as I attempt to draw connections out of others, look for that compatibility link and by all means make numerous attempts to draw from them, I am still left empty, and holding it all in. They say laughter is the best medicine for all times, however, my tears make me believe I exist. My. Loser off heart is crying to be in loved and loved again. Is this signs of returning to the lovers battlefield? I don't know, but what I do know is that my tears are warm......

Lesson sixty four: You can never be stuck for too long.....
Although my mind and heart are fluttering and overwhelmed at the same time, I know this down period exists for a reason. The lesson to be learned is that in my stillness, I remain able and aware to continue in forward and further in life. To base everything on experiences and guided passions in life. To have the ability to think life throughly through, and respond with an action remains the mystery. Search, but never forget the dedication and progress that has been made from now until then. In this down time, all answers will free your mind.


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