The Heart's Desire Speaks

So I had the talk of all talk's with a dear relative whose opinion I value and treasure dearly. The talk allowed me to realize that I am allowing my negative thoughts on relationships and love and the possibility of extending a friendship into a long term partnership to be deflated and almost defeated. I allowed past reactions and responses to underline my hearts want(s) and need(s). So what this intensive talk allowed pretty much underlined for me not fearing so much, letting go assumtions and doubt and simply exploring and experiencing the "what if".

So it's time for a negotiating lunch with him. It's time to lay everything onto the table replicating the menu and go over all three courses of the heart. Lastly, finishing up this romantic meal with a sweet taste of definition. Defined as so: We are to realize where we are exactly at during our relationship, and where exactly we are attempting to go and head. The future can not be clearly defined, but little dents can be made into the nudging of the paths to make it happen.

Looking forward to this moment. Finally making amends to actually see this meeting through. It took a mending of a troubled heart, stitching of a tattered soul and a linkage of my mind, body and soul.

Looking forward to finally letting the air of uncertainty out of my lung(s).

A union of the mind and a matching of a shared heart.

Each time I close my eyes and think of you I am saddened. So as I open my eyes to new opportunities and venture out to exploring my reasons for emotional intimacy and disconnected feelings and why I am seeing my own personal decline in this area, I can not and will not blame you any longer. I have nutured these supressed feelings for way too long, and I have gathered more than enough personal and educational experience to know that our time has passed.

A dear friend asked me "Why do you fear love? Why do you fear intimacy and that special connection with a significant other? I really couldnt formulate an answer. I actually had to stop and think about the situation at hand. I want love. I think and believe I could handle a supportive and centered loving relationship, but when love is placed before me; I turn coat and run? How could this be? Or perhaps my dating rap sheet at best explains it all......questionable at best and undeniably looking for love in all the wrong places would read the first, middle and last pages. I can raise my hand and admit to dating people who were unattainable in all areas that mattered the most (Mind, Body and Spirit). Eveything appeared off at times, but then again there was something in myself that pushed me to delve further and venture out. Never entirely closing the door on love and those endless possibilities. So with optimism and continued slights in the love department, reality started seeping in, and within my reality I found a few truths.

So this blog entry is affirmation. To my relationships, partnerships and lovingships I expect MORE from my love(r). No longer being dismissive and unsure about love, dating and the transitioned relationship to be formed. A union of the mind and a matching of a shared heart. That is what I long for.

So Be It......