My testament to S.E.L.F.

Reactive?


I was looking for a piece of that "relationship pie" or perhaps a slice of a small reality of a shared experience with a lover that would last no longer than a few hours, and slowly mean less and less to one another as the night transitioned into a twilight and the morning rise.

As I slowly made my connect with a warm body, I started to see my descent and as high as I had risen during the day I was slowly on my way to a pool of nothingness. The more the time ticked away and my preparation for the expected evening rendezvous was upon me, I started to become distracted and disoriented in a sense. I started to not think about the encounter as a distractor, or mood booster or an immediate injection into the realms of skipping to work the following day and silently regretting an impulsive moment that a AA battery operated adult toy device could have handled in less than 10 seconds.

Rawness?

My truth...old patterns and behaviors has cast not only shadows upon me, but predictable routine too, and just when I was embracing celibacy, and cutting former actively in love flames off for good within the sense of emotional, physical and mental stimulation; the inertia popped up within me and it was literally kicking my ass with pangs of needing to be physically desired by another to the point of unbeknown fantasies playing back and fourth throughout my mind.

Clarity?

Well single life isn't entirely dull, the perks of being single revolve around the ability to relax and let loose and not be tied, compared, prompted, pressed, pushed, challenged and changed to be considered anything outside of yourself, and when that clarity is experienced in a sense life begins to freely show you her worth and willingness to be at peace, but when the carnal desire to be kissed, touched and intimately handled, well that is another beast that can literally take over your self created bubbled world in a matter of milliseconds unless it's under control.

y tu?

So in preparation for a guaranteed misstep in my personal life I was reclaiming back from soured and lost love..I almost belly flopped into it, but my plans fell through, because my lover fell through and although I was disappointed at first I took it as a sign that it is my spiritual intention to not simply settle with anyone, and to truly explore, exhaust, rediscover, learn and leave love and get it right back again in a matter of interconnected and interpersonal relationships, which are built on actively listening, and believing in a dual relationship and a commitment to have an independent and interdependent relationship.

So I leave you with this powerful statement that answered why I almost chose to jump this insatiable bridge..."EVERY CHOICE YOU MAKE IS EITHER AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE, OR AN EXPRESSION OF FEAR. THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE!" A Course In Miracles

I almost chose my lover out of a fear...of being alone, undesired and needing to be needed even in a mere moment..it was not an expression of love and so I stopped myself and went to bed.

A letter to the Universe: Cupid's Pull

A letter to a lover is a letter that is lasting of a lifetime. A letter to a lover is representative of emotions that are captured on a sheet of paper and mailed off into the emotional wind of receive or release it. 

Out of habit to develop a healthier release and recognition of relationships, I have decided to write a letter to an unknown lover whom I have no idea where they reside at, or their name, or what they like to do for fun or entirely despise. I am trusting in the universal pull of life and all the connective ties the spirits have with one another, be it living or unknown. 

It's within the unknown that we have it all figured out even when we aren't entirely part of the planning process, but we are walking in the path with trust that it will all get best and better with the simple ability to believe.

It's a little unnerving to throw life to the wind, and having been so structured and routine about how my experiences are to occur, but at this very moment I am willing to become an unspoken and walk within the deepest patterns and paths of life.

I send my letter to the one who awaits.

Sail away, Sail away, Sail away...

Earth to Self: Pick Me, Choose Me...

I took my form of release and a means of communicating to a higher level with an ex. Instead of the lengthy emails, or the text messages with an emotional parallel that resembles mixed messages and a communication break…I realized that what’s better said is always experienced in person, and even though the opportunity for us to meet did not present itself I created one.

The funny thing about recording yourself you are no longer concerned with how you are seen, but how the message is received. I literally watched myself record my longing to be with a lost love, or need to have some sort of reconciliation that would make everything we haven’t experienced mean something, or to resolve to fill in all the holes of the relationship and make it whole once again. There was no moving forward or even a since that this would mean anything even further. The time from sent to receive was like awaiting a meteor impact. I was in limbo and awaiting either paradise in a response or slowly transitioning to Dante himself and writing about the inferno I was living in, but the melodramatics canceled and I slowly began to realize I have gifted myself with something I had been awaiting and something I wasn’t going to receive from him and that was closure.

My means of recreating a since of connection, was also a means at closing this chapter. I then realized that if I would have thought a little more about it, I probably would have found a way to talk myself out of sending the video, so I didn’t think about it. I simply sent it with my best intentions and thoughts, and no regards for the after effects of the video once I realized what a prize inner peace can become when it’s won!

I no longer battled with awaiting his response, or engaging in the back and forth about deciphering the meaning of our conversations even more. Nope…I simply awoke briefly after a nap and deleted the message, and I didn’t have the urge to send him a message as to what was his response was? I allowed myself to freely trickle away and allow the cool morning air to greet me from my sleep. My day started with faith in my ability to move forward, and when moving forward there could be absolutely no doubt that there was meaning in his arrival and departure from my life, and whatever meaning it became for me, I had finally drawn the line in the sand and allowed myself to simply let it be, let it go and learn from the experience and life lesson. To continue to torture myself heart with creeping of sadness, lucid dreams of longing for him and wanting to have a definitive answer as to our demise…well there sometimes would be occasions when the best response was no response.

The quality of my love ships must be magnified by my ability to want more from myself, my overall life experience and to believe that I can and will achieve the desired effects from effective communication, patience, passion, understanding, emotional intelligence, a genuine need to truly understand ones plight in life and the willingness to partner with another through good times and stressful times, respect, honor and most importantly and unconditional and unconventional kind of love.

Until this experience is honored I will no longer accept just anything and anyone.

I’m so grateful.

I feel...I think...I live.

Everyday is a moment to amend an error, salve the battered ego and bruised soul and dare to believe that a new day holds the answers to a forgotten yesterday and the promise of the unknown tomorrow.

I have hope...

Love comes and goes from it's highest peak to then soar at it's lowest low in the imagined emotional slights our dented ego's bring into view whenever we are at a loss for words and dealing with a ruffled heart.

I dare to dream...

Each time I look into the new few moments of an undefined time, I slowly unwind my emotional needs on making an outcome occur and allow myself to simply exist and roll within the seconds that turn into minutes.

I would like to look back, but I wont stay there...

I dreamed of him, and in my dream we were experiencing the day as if it was routine. I imagined the what if's of an unknown relationship that was barely defined and mostly imagined on both my part and his part, but yet again I unraveled my souls toes from the sand like memory and slowly started to pull away. I have learned that memories are teaching tools, meant to flash before my eyes with no attempts at remaining in my mind and a stain on my heart...I let it go.

I find strength in the ability to simply allow him to exist...

He will never be a distant dream of mine. I realized that I only show him part of me, because half of me feels safe being one foot in, and the other half of me is ready to run all the way out. Partially scathed and bathed by the disappointment and heart burns of a love struck being; but yet I want to go entirely head first in with a sloppy nose dive that sends the water and foam of the pool in all directions upon my entry. I am allowing him to matter and become more of a need rather than want...and my fear slowly subsides.

Yoga is allowing me to see the deeper picture...

With each move I mold within the mat into an insurmountable mountain.

Making The Best of It: The Point of it all

Within transitional phases you deal with an assortment of different relationships, and within each relationship you begin to realize the different mannerisms that you accustom yourself to. Nothing will ever be the same once a change has taken place, and it’s about learning how to deal with the noticeable change and prepare yourself to go further in life. It’s within the discomfort that you find strength, and within your strength you find solace and within the quiet time your mind is destined to expand just a little more, and so I have reached another pivotal point within my journey. I disregarded what I could have done to respond with what I was feeling should have been done and if I am at fault for responding intuitively I will take oneness for it, but I will not say I would take it back. This is just another phase in my life where I am forced to choose between comforts or discomfort and I trust my instincts and my life objectives and reasoning’s as to why…

I would go on past behaviors and thoughts associated with these previous experiences to presently come to a point where I would be able to make a faux assumption of an experience. This learned behavior has become my synopsis of sorts. I have gathered enough information based on experience to know that well life is whatever you make it, and there is so much more life to live and experience.

Each day I come home after a busy day of work and I try not to forget the way the world is swaying, and although I swayed with the world many of times, I can’t help but wonder about this last sway with the world my body has decided to think against. I no longer want to ease within the waves of life, I want to create a ripple of defined passion that propels me forward as never before. I want to create a burst of energy within my heart and world that has never before been experienced by me before.

So as my body eases into warrior 1 and then transitions into warrior 2 to then focus on centering my mind and heart on lowering my body onto my mat I then cleanse my soul and heart of angered moments and conflicting times within. I have decided that times may be rough but they are times I am creating on a daily basis and living with a new found inner ease within the universal pull un-compromised

I trust in the best-kept secret of the unknown and my faith lies in the ability to believe.

I am moved.

                                                                   I am unmoved.

I can tell by the look in your face. All Summer16

I want to blame the male gender for the misrepresentation of a world of romance, however, in honesty I can't...the world of romance has truly been tainted with self interest based fantasies and a swallowing of tall ordered bourbon dreams. 

When I awake from the stupor I find myself silently disliking my egocentric way of assuming the perfect mate for the moment and then placing him in a trance like state with assumed comfortability to then get my fill and slowly unlock my legs from around his waist, and loosen my rhythmic grip onto his soul a little lesser each second until I am finally free from the false love and idolized moment of no longer mention of interest to me. 

My soul is appeased or so I think

This pattern has become the running joke of an endless lovers trek of a newly arrived year and developing seasons. This pattern has cast many shadows on the authentically passionate moments that are far and few, but when they are experienced they become randomly noticeable and picturesque at most. 

When one lover slights you, you find yourself thrown into the arms of the next best interest and from there you take your fill on behalf of your drunken soul whose wallowing in the pits of lost love, craved for attention and a sex drive starved of "the one's" endless caresses. 

It's a twisted game of survival and every lorn loved lover has to do it

So as I dance this devilish dance I take in everything that is before me...

The world within and the world without

 

Today I attempted to rationalize a hurt that could potentially devastate me if I attempted to make more sense of it. The more I started to open up about the pain that was a dull numb to me a few days before to now have transitioned into a noticeable ache…I began putting two and two together and started to face my impending problem in a way that would lead to more resolution and less emotionally charged moments where I would be left to my own devices of getting past the difficult moments to making collective sense about an issue.

It appeared yet again my emotions were at a high, and being at such a heightened state I was experiencing a lot of moments where I was reeling on the brink of self-discovery or hurling myself into an emotional world wind. I wanted answers to questions I had dared not to ask him, and him being in question has bought all of these moments of confusion and difficulty to my immediate attention.  I also was looking for self-acceptance in others who at the time appeared to be excellent distractions that enabled me to slowly lose myself in the myth of forgetting your focal problem, but entering another problem with no immediate need for an answer. The ability to waist time in such a way would grant me serenity for the longevity of the mood that was in the midst of forming and soon to be passing, but this secondary problem turned into a reflection of what would never become, and yet again I was left reeling with two emotional setbacks that kept me drifting away.

The unease and sense of wanting to capture all the pain and turn it into joyful moments came over me as a new entrance into my life occurred. His gentleness and masculinity has always held my attention, his ability to bring comfort and relaxation into the moments we had experienced together was more than enough to get me through the night, but yet I had this nagging feeling that he would enter my life again as he had done so before and whisk me off my feet, and tell me everything I have wanted to hear about his ability to guide my harden heart back into the living world. How he was entirely different from before, and that although he has disappointed me he would never stray away from me again. I wanted to receive all the reassurances that he never stuck to when we initially met. I wanted to feel the confidence of a jilted lover being redeemed from the lover whom initially discarded their emotions. I wanted to freely breathe in everything he was telling me and never have a doubt in regards to him, and his life meaning and intentions with me, but yet nothing is ever guaranteed and the feelings of inadequacies and never being entirely enough started to rear its ugly head back into my visual plain and so I am left to deal with my emotional missteps and behaviors that soon followed.

It’s not easy to sit with my feelings, especially when they are at an all-time high. Or when I feel as if I am expecting a reaction or response from the other in question, but yet they don’t do anything to appease my emotions or allow a sense of calm and peace to come to mind. I then am left to look within myself, and within looking within myself I am discovering the affects that I have allowed myself to feel in the name and loss of affections within their eyes. Being aware of this outcome not only makes my emotional state arrive at its highest, but it also places me in a unique position as to where I am left to counter these emotions and stabilize myself once again.

It’s within my Yogic asana that I have found balance and symmetry to my unbalanced emotional state, and although I would love to regard my three lovers with ease and review their sharpened darts to my heart with enthusiasm I am left to simply send love and light and let peace be still and render my heart from it’s painful clutches. If I am ever to learn about this thing called life and the romantic and at times deceptive experiences that have torn down many emotional walls I will have to learn how to rebuild and keep my emotions and heart afloat and learn how to release tension and worries and stress that’s been building and wanting to topple at the days end.

Today I sought and I found, but as I answered I started to simmer and within sitting with my feelings and emotions I freely vented but within each yoga pose and move I swayed, and so here I am building the karmic bridges of love to renew the faith that was loss within me.

 

Sour Times: Reflection in the midst of that inception.

Have you ever been happy for someone while secretly wishing his or her demise? I recently had the pleasure of seeing someone capture their love and love interest publically, without even a reply or response towards me telling me that this in fact was their journey they were embarking on and although it would severe our flirt-ship, our feelings of mutual interest would simmer and a budding but distant friendship would begin. I didn’t get this memo; in fact I didn’t even get a chance to allow my eyes to swallow the image that was before me. Feelings of rejection and a distinct taste of a lover’s jealousy started to creep in my mind, and so I deleted your number and any trace evidence of a connection between us. Endless conversations, meditative support services and attempts at coffee and chit chat have forever been dissolved. I guess your inaction and non-responses spoke volumes to me, and I guess also I received your answer in so many ways.

Can I be mad about your update…should I even care about your update, it wasn’t directed towards me and actually it was a beautiful life moment you shared, but yet it called out to me and literally had my emotions hitting all types of wanting to be an emotional wreck chart. I can look at the brighter side, your limited conversation and then non-responses was a way of letting go. Sometimes we don’t want to face someone we shared moments and mutual interest and passion with. I should know, I am facing the same moment where I am letting someone go with ease to make room for a newly discovered interest…the pot calling the kettle out? The shoe on the other foot or karmatic ties all directed at me? I guess this time I am going to exclude myself and say the world does not revolve around me and my emotional highlights and moments. I guess I am going to delete his contact information and like his post and going forward will let life continue to play itself out.

On a brighter note I didn’t dissolve in a heap of emotional instability, I went to sleep and awoke refreshed and determined not to allow something that was never known to me or in my control to leave me powerless. My choice in this was to recognize where I stood and where I was headed with him, and well simply let it go. I never stood a chance, and then again I don’t think I wanted to remain suspended in that potential heartache.

Should I allow myself to dip my heart or dunk it: Sea of Love

He is swimming in his newly expressed emotions. 

I should make an exception to all your missed attempts, endless stories and loveless lines. I should revisit this situation again?

But yet as I stood seated across from you and allowed my ears to open up to your love stoned words I'm assuming was supposed to excite me and allow me the closure needed to give you the answer you so desperately wanted to hear. An instant response in favor of acceptance of you presently and to forget everything you showed me prior to now…

Listening to everything you put before me and turning over that new stone I guess I allowed myself to accept you for the moment that we presently was in and sail away, sail away…but yet you  received the green light from me and have gone back into the shallow depths of inconsistency.

I tell you these emotional moments can crumble some, cripple most and literally bring to mind the "Fuck this I’m dating my damn self-moments", but yet I remain optimistic to an undeniable experience, a moment in time where I don’t have to question someone's move. A moment where you speak your truth into fruition and you are inclusive of your partner in the involvement of your daily interactions. I just want to feel included within your life. As light as that sentence appears to be it holds a lot of weight in the realm of the dating and relationships I have experienced.

So if this is a blast from the past, should I pay you any mind or any attention or should I dive right into the idea of experiencing a relationship in unison and mutually exploring a shared life together?

Daring to dream or dishonoring a dream?

At this moment I can’t determine, and I am not entirely sure if I want this go any further then where it’s at.