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Showing posts from 2016

My testament to S.E.L.F.

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Reactive?


I was looking for a piece of that "relationship pie" or perhaps a slice of a small reality of a shared experience with a lover that would last no longer than a few hours, and slowly mean less and less to one another as the night transitioned into a twilight and the morning rise.

As I slowly made my connect with a warm body, I started to see my descent and as high as I had risen during the day I was slowly on my way to a pool of nothingness. The more the time ticked away and my preparation for the expected evening rendezvous was upon me, I started to become distracted and disoriented in a sense. I started to not think about the encounter as a distractor, or mood booster or an immediate injection into the realms of skipping to work the following day and silently regretting an impulsive moment that a AA battery operated adult toy device could have handled in less than 10 seconds.

Rawness?

My truth...old patterns and behaviors has cast not only shadows upon me, but pr…

A letter to the Universe: Cupid's Pull

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A letter to a lover is a letter that is lasting of a lifetime. A letter to a lover is representative of emotions that are captured on a sheet of paper and mailed off into the emotional wind of receive or release it. 
Out of habit to develop a healthier release and recognition of relationships, I have decided to write a letter to an unknown lover whom I have no idea where they reside at, or their name, or what they like to do for fun or entirely despise. I am trusting in the universal pull of life and all the connective ties the spirits have with one another, be it living or unknown. 
It's within the unknown that we have it all figured out even when we aren't entirely part of the planning process, but we are walking in the path with trust that it will all get best and better with the simple ability to believe.
It's a little unnerving to throw life to the wind, and having been so structured and routine about how my experiences are to occur, but at this very moment I am will…

Earth to Self: Pick Me, Choose Me...

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I took my form of release and a means of communicating to a higher level with an ex. Instead of the lengthy emails, or the text messages with an emotional parallel that resembles mixed messages and a communication break…I realized that what’s better said is always experienced in person, and even though the opportunity for us to meet did not present itself I created one.
The funny thing about recording yourself you are no longer concerned with how you are seen, but how the message is received. I literally watched myself record my longing to be with a lost love, or need to have some sort of reconciliation that would make everything we haven’t experienced mean something, or to resolve to fill in all the holes of the relationship and make it whole once again. There was no moving forward or even a since that this would mean anything even further. The time from sent to receive was like awaiting a meteor impact. I was in limbo and awaiting either paradise in a response or slowly transition…

I feel...I think...I live.

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Everyday is a moment to amend an error, salve the battered ego and bruised soul and dare to believe that a new day holds the answers to a forgotten yesterday and the promise of the unknown tomorrow.

I have hope...

Love comes and goes from it's highest peak to then soar at it's lowest low in the imagined emotional slights our dented ego's bring into view whenever we are at a loss for words and dealing with a ruffled heart.

I dare to dream...

Each time I look into the new few moments of an undefined time, I slowly unwind my emotional needs on making an outcome occur and allow myself to simply exist and roll within the seconds that turn into minutes.

I would like to look back, but I wont stay there...

I dreamed of him, and in my dream we were experiencing the day as if it was routine. I imagined the what if's of an unknown relationship that was barely defined and mostly imagined on both my part and his part, but yet again I unraveled my souls toes from the sand like memo…

Making The Best of It: The Point of it all

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Within transitional phases you deal with an assortment of different relationships, and within each relationship you begin to realize the different mannerisms that you accustom yourself to. Nothing will ever be the same once a change has taken place, and it’s about learning how to deal with the noticeable change and prepare yourself to go further in life. It’s within the discomfort that you find strength, and within your strength you find solace and within the quiet time your mind is destined to expand just a little more, and so I have reached another pivotal point within my journey. I disregarded what I could have done to respond with what I was feeling should have been done and if I am at fault for responding intuitively I will take oneness for it, but I will not say I would take it back. This is just another phase in my life where I am forced to choose between comforts or discomfort and I trust my instincts and my life objectives and reasoning’s as to why…

I would go on past behavi…

I can tell by the look in your face. All Summer16

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I want to blame the male gender for the misrepresentation of a world of romance, however, in honesty I can't...the world of romance has truly been tainted with self interest based fantasies and a swallowing of tall ordered bourbon dreams. 
When I awake from the stupor I find myself silently disliking my egocentric way of assuming the perfect mate for the moment and then placing him in a trance like state with assumed comfortability to then get my fill and slowly unlock my legs from around his waist, and loosen my rhythmic grip onto his soul a little lesser each second until I am finally free from the false love and idolized moment of no longer mention of interest to me. 
My soul is appeased or so I think
This pattern has become the running joke of an endless lovers trek of a newly arrived year and developing seasons. This pattern has cast many shadows on the authentically passionate moments that are far and few, but when they are experienced they become randomly noticeable and pic…

The world within and the world without

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Today I attempted to rationalize a hurt that could potentially devastate me if I attempted to make more sense of it. The more I started to open up about the pain that was a dull numb to me a few days before to now have transitioned into a noticeable ache…I began putting two and two together and started to face my impending problem in a way that would lead to more resolution and less emotionally charged moments where I would be left to my own devices of getting past the difficult moments to making collective sense about an issue.
It appeared yet again my emotions were at a high, and being at such a heightened state I was experiencing a lot of moments where I was reeling on the brink of self-discovery or hurling myself into an emotional world wind. I wanted answers to questions I had dared not to ask him, and him being in question has bought all of these moments of confusion and difficulty to my immediate attention. I also was looking for self-acceptance in others who at the time appear…

Sour Times: Reflection in the midst of that inception.

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Have you ever been happy for someone while secretly wishing his or her demise? I recently had the pleasure of seeing someone capture their love and love interest publically, without even a reply or response towards me telling me that this in fact was their journey they were embarking on and although it would severe our flirt-ship, our feelings of mutual interest would simmer and a budding but distant friendship would begin. I didn’t get this memo; in fact I didn’t even get a chance to allow my eyes to swallow the image that was before me. Feelings of rejection and a distinct taste of a lover’s jealousy started to creep in my mind, and so I deleted your number and any trace evidence of a connection between us. Endless conversations, meditative support services and attempts at coffee and chit chat have forever been dissolved. I guess your inaction and non-responses spoke volumes to me, and I guess also I received your answer in so many ways.
Can I be mad about your update…should I eve…

Should I allow myself to dip my heart or dunk it: Sea of Love

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He is swimming in his newly expressed emotions. 
I should make an exception to all your missed attempts, endless stories and loveless lines. I should revisit this situation again?
But yet as I stood seated across from you and allowed my ears to open up to your love stoned words I'm assuming was supposed to excite me and allow me the closure needed to give you the answer you so desperately wanted to hear. An instant response in favor of acceptance of you presently and to forget everything you showed me prior to now…
Listening to everything you put before me and turning over that new stone I guess I allowed myself to accept you for the moment that we presently was in and sail away, sail away…but yet you  received the green light from me and have gone back into the shallow depths of inconsistency.
I tell you these emotional moments can crumble some, cripple most and literally bring to mind the "Fuck this I’m dating my damn self-moments", but yet I remain optimistic to an…

The "It" Factor

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Normally when I am experiencing tumultuous emotions based from multiple life happenings, I would generally throw my hands in the air and belt out “The world is coming to an end and I am over it all.”! However, taking a step to reflectively look at each moment I can see the connective cord that kept me hanging on just a little longer.
Kissmet forgotten: Past/Present
My sleeping pattern has started to gather full steam. My constant checking of text messages or calls from you has just about stopped. I am able to tone you out. My day doesn’t start with wonderment of how you are doing, where you are at for the day or your plans and if I am included in them. My sheets no longer hold your distinct cologne scent, nor do my pillows remind me of your missing presence from me. My daydreams and night fantasies no longer star you, at the moment you are guest appearing in my mind and randomly so… I have finally acknowledged that my need for you no longer holds me. I recall a time when sleeping withou…

Monogamy over Monotony You choose!

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It took having a pretty hectic work day and sensing I needed a time out stress reduction break with the benefits of easing my mind and tension from the start of the day by simply focusing on my breathing and truly centering myself, before I began to sort out just exactly how my day was going to transition into later on in the afternoon. My mind can easily become cloudy and my thoughts can lose attention truly when my mind begins to take a detour and wonder about the ways of others and their involvement with and within my life. At the end of the day I have choices and not just one choice, but several decisions that I can make all based on what I am feeling, where I am headed and what I would like to experience within my life, and at this point of realizing this I simply let the moment go and found my focus once again.


I don’t dislike dating, I truly enjoy meeting someone of interest and depth and going through the formal get to know you stages, but at this very moment I realized that…