Earth to Self: Pick Me, Choose Me...

I took my form of release and a means of communicating to a higher level with an ex. Instead of the lengthy emails, or the text messages with an emotional parallel that resembles mixed messages and a communication break…I realized that what’s better said is always experienced in person, and even though the opportunity for us to meet did not present itself I created one.

The funny thing about recording yourself you are no longer concerned with how you are seen, but how the message is received. I literally watched myself record my longing to be with a lost love, or need to have some sort of reconciliation that would make everything we haven’t experienced mean something, or to resolve to fill in all the holes of the relationship and make it whole once again. There was no moving forward or even a since that this would mean anything even further. The time from sent to receive was like awaiting a meteor impact. I was in limbo and awaiting either paradise in a response or slowly transitioning to Dante himself and writing about the inferno I was living in, but the melodramatics canceled and I slowly began to realize I have gifted myself with something I had been awaiting and something I wasn’t going to receive from him and that was closure.

My means of recreating a since of connection, was also a means at closing this chapter. I then realized that if I would have thought a little more about it, I probably would have found a way to talk myself out of sending the video, so I didn’t think about it. I simply sent it with my best intentions and thoughts, and no regards for the after effects of the video once I realized what a prize inner peace can become when it’s won!

I no longer battled with awaiting his response, or engaging in the back and forth about deciphering the meaning of our conversations even more. Nope…I simply awoke briefly after a nap and deleted the message, and I didn’t have the urge to send him a message as to what was his response was? I allowed myself to freely trickle away and allow the cool morning air to greet me from my sleep. My day started with faith in my ability to move forward, and when moving forward there could be absolutely no doubt that there was meaning in his arrival and departure from my life, and whatever meaning it became for me, I had finally drawn the line in the sand and allowed myself to simply let it be, let it go and learn from the experience and life lesson. To continue to torture myself heart with creeping of sadness, lucid dreams of longing for him and wanting to have a definitive answer as to our demise…well there sometimes would be occasions when the best response was no response.
The quality of my love ships must be magnified by my ability to want more from myself, my overall life experience and to believe that I can and will achieve the desired effects from effective communication, patience, passion, understanding, emotional intelligence, a genuine need to truly understand ones plight in life and the willingness to partner with another through good times and stressful times, respect, honor and most importantly and unconditional and unconventional kind of love.

Until this experience is honored I will no longer accept just anything and anyone.

I’m so grateful.


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