Deep in the stillness within

Sitting and waiting and expecting a miracle to occur with these potential life partner matches seems to be the sure route to long term and relationship longevity, but within the in-between is a distinct mix of nothingness and loneliness that invades my soul and sinks ever so deeply within. I try so hard to not think about the disappointment when these situations don’t work out in my best interest, and I am left dealing with the aftermath of the broken promises and endless forever after dreams. I’ve mistakenly dared to dream of endless love and all the dreams that occur in between. I thought my forever after would be my forevermore, but then again nothing lasts forever.

Do I get angry and stay closed off, or do I vow and venture out for more lessons to be learned for the men who claim an interest in me. Is it me or do they want to see me? I mean there is nothing like having someone see you in your entirety, but then there is something that occurs when the wrong person sees you and makes everything appear as if it was alright. There is a lot to be said for a person who swoons right on in and makes everything appear as if it was meant to be.

I existed before him, but that loneliness and lack of emotional connectivity shared between two loving souls was piling on me. I would stop and start romantic interludes as if they meant nothing and created no harm for my mind, heart and soul. I would stop and think about it briefly, but then I would simply venture into a state of a revolving need and want more then a basic interlude. I finally admitted to myself this morning that I didn’t want a casual affair or surface relationships, I absolutely wanted more. I wanted the continuation of a partnership, I wanted to the realness of a shared union; of us experiencing our up’s and downs and going through many changes be it good and tough, we would eventually get in tune and allow the changes to sink through, but I wouldn’t allow basic fears to compel me to sabotage a potentially amazing relationship opportunity that not only allows for me individual growth and changes, but it affords me the ability to exist on many different levels and test the overall framework for the life and love that I always knew could exist.

So as I open myself to the reality of my situation, I realize that my fears continually attracts what I don’t want and the distaste and doubt bundled with the fears are finally let to the side. I dare say that I am venturing on another journey of sorts, milestones that need to be met and the momentum that needs to continue to elevate in a continuous stream of practicality. 

You…

I simply want you to know what you want, need and desire in our initial meeting. I want you to not doubt anything that could potentially envelope us in the warmth of a loving relationship. I want us to exist as a whole…and to this I say I want us to bask in creating our future.

Distant memory: Thought I knew!

I want to ask a few questions about us, but I dare not inquire. I want to open my eyes up towards you and tell you all my truths, but I will never press forward because we no longer matter. Who would have thought that my love for you has been silenced and put away? Who would have thought that I would no longer share in the triumph and adventures that we had once had when the nights get lonely and I want to cling to you rather than my pillow I always think back to the day when we just couldn’t keep away from another?

Our interactions today are muted, I don’t even know who you are anymore. Our bodies have been disconnected and my mind is long gone from loving you. I physically miss you and I was wondering when I would be able to let you go entirely. My thoughts on moving forward with others continue to center solely on physical interactions, drizzled with a little romantic dots here and there. I’m not asking for much, but then again I’m expecting the world. So I am currently in space whereas I have left, but there are times when I want t to revisit and stay…but I know I can’t and don’t so I let it be.

So I am channeling my most inner will power to continue to remain optimistic and open to the world of like, loving and enjoyment. I have decided to venture out and put my interest levels out into the universe and gather each experience with grace, curiosity, and guidance.

My memory of you occurred this morning at the earliest of the day. I missed you and the scent of you enveloped my entire essence. It was then that I realized that it was never you.

The Air Feels Different: With my best intentions

My inner calm is being called into question. The initial knee jerk feeling of instant lust which rapidly defines the way I relate to a liked interest totally wasn’t present today. I was calm, clear headed and not thinking on a feeling or even having a feeling. I was purely engaged in the moment at hand. I was listening to his stories about himself and dating and relating experiences. I was intently listening to him, while I was doing a self-check within accessing how I was feeling during our initial meet, checking my expectations for the time being and seeing exactly where I was at with this date, this moment and this man who sat before me. 

I was calm and content; my emotions were in check and my mindset was focused only on the present moment.

 I felt at ease and not in a rush to go over potential boyfriend, mate, and life partner qualifiers. The never-ending list of attributes of wants, needs and must have features to be desired for. If I allowed my attention during the date to wander off in the land of match making I would entirely be lost, but not this moment in time. I looked at him, and continued to stare with interest and wonder about who he was? What motivates him to get up and out of bed each day? What does his love look like and feel like per him? Has he ever been in love? What is love?  These questions all popped up in my mind, as soon as they flooded my brain waves I started to silence them instantly. I wasn’t going to overwhelm my mind with objectives, goals and end dates and expectations. I would confuse my mind, trouble my heart.

He is: Gentle and courteous and compassionate. A gentleman, patient and passionate. Setting his best intentions, easily understood and not overly complicated or overwhelming. Kind and considerate and openly caring.

What the hell was I dating before? These qualities were not even existent for me as I previously dated. I was looking high and low and searching all around for the signs of a lover whose interest in me would never be questioned, his core values in regards to dating and relationships would never hold his perspective partner in suspense. It was as if he flowed organically and my soul was at ease.

I’m not rushing to judgement.

I am feeling acute interest with a side of balanced order.

This time it feels different.

I relinquish what at one time weighted me.

Temptation can be bittersweet. What’s behind the already closed door is more detrimental to our mental health and space more than we thought. What is right within our grasp (peace of mind, the stability of transparency of the heart) is everything we need and want and desire for, but yet we are tempted to test fate. We are driven to want to challenge the wrongs and unexplained endings and prove to ourselves that we have absolutely got this under control and that it has been handled. Three times a charm!? Right!!!!

WRONG…there is nothing charming about disappointment. Being proven wrong time and time again gets tiring. There seems to be a mental disconnect between the mind, heart, and soul when it’s embattled with thoughts of revisiting past love(s), (ers) and the works of life as we see fit to experience it. So what do we do when we are on the straight and narrow, moving mountains and toppling blown down trees loosely named the tree of indecision, or the tree of misinterpretation, or the destructive tree of self-implosion by way of EX’s an unnatural dating source pools.

Ah! The perks of this life and choices based on indecision.

So I ask myself just where am I at? I've come to that point where I feel as if I've made my final decision and selected the best "suitor" of outcomes for myself. 

Drum roll, please...

Giving life shared experiences and joint ventures and the opportunity to openly challenge the doubt and unanswered questions I've held onto for so long because I haven't been able to openly discuss these topics, differences of opinions and values with a significant other; because I haven't been able to bond with a perspective friend, lover and life partner in so long it's become a distant memory for me, almost a fairy tale of uncharted lovers crossing paths and doing this journey and thing called life in unison. Waking with one another and starting our mornings talking in bed, laughing in the bathroom and showering the nights sleep away from our bodies. Organizing our clothes and creating a ritual of sharing favored breakfast foods and starting our workday, to start the days breakdown all over again. I would love to trust the process of growing old with you. I would love to allow myself to forgive past lovers and relationships for the transgressions they have caused me as I have become one with you. I would totally own up to these moments because I willed them.

And So...

I had a trifecta of "The Case of The Ex's and the lone interest". I could feel so many feelings right now, but then I realized that my internal fire has created a burn that has raged and would not be extinguished by dismissing my intuition. I dismissed, I regarded and attempted to deny it, but it hit me full circle when I received a text message from someone I had thought I knew. Someone I had loved and wanted to create a life with turned around and bust a bubble of possibility for me. I receive a call from a scorned lovers current lover laying claim to her prized possession, but yet she didn't realize you will never be a factor in his life, his love his putrid and will run astray. Lastly, I received a text from a current interest who appeared to be someone I would enjoy getting to know, but yet me being super adventurous in my weekend travels to independently enjoying life on my own accord. So he simply faded away and no longer exists for me.

So I am taking a moment to shift from wanting and needing and desiring to creating my love language for my life partner. I have missed you so much, and am needing your intercession in my life. So I'm starting this thing called romance, love and life and a shared journey on the even path. I release the moments of indecision and doubt and openly engage in unions.

Forever I be.