Gifted with the Curse to love....

I want to be loved. I wanted to be wanted and needed. I feel as if I welcome all of these emotions and more, but yet nothing appears to find me. I am lost in this and that one's embrace. No one to touch a serious basis with, and no one to really express how and why I feel this way. Another sad moment one would think, however, it's just the start of an appealing life time of changes and transitions. Changes that will require me to rethink my passions and my love. My love for another human being, which encompasses all. All that is felt and expressed and experienced within me. I open my arms to you life....in shelter for the humilation and unknown times we have experienced.

So a gift to forgive and forget and move on forward appears to be in store. It's like nothing changed or occured. It's like we had no differences, and all that we transfered to one another was a distant memory. I look to you for answers and guidiance and passions that escape me. I look to you for desires sake. I search you out in the name of it all. The name that calls and beckons to any and everyone who feels the spark of hope and fanaticism of lusty feelings at once.

Whatever these feelings are I want some part of them. It's interesting to me that I continue to share these emotions and dreams. Although they are challenging and take many turns in life, it is never a turn I stray away too far from, and it's always a course I am willing to take and excel at.

So with all these mumbled feelings and emotions I challenge ME. I recently had a nostalgic moment. A moment where I thought it would take eons to occur and happen for me. In time nothing appeared as it was suppose to be. Everything that occurred was meant to be. At times I wondered was I dreaming and deserving of such an intimate moment, and I slowely swalloed each breath of self worth. I invisioned a passionate night, but instead I recieved an intimate, heart pulling and touching moment. I felt needed, and valued and appreciated and important. My essence was wanted. I could have faltered and went the assumed routine, but I stood my ground. I want to know this.....I want to experience each nerve tingled emotion. I want to be sucked into an insanely passionate night. I want your distance to tease me and intoxicate me all at once. I want this. I need this. Is it for me?

Lesson Fifty Seven: Giving it a try....

New avenues calls for continued experienced. New avenues call for a difference and a change in life. I am willing to take another route. A route once assumed impossible and closed off for me, appears to be the start of a new beginning. I want this. I need this. I am this!

Relapse OR Adjusting the mind set

I am dreaming of you. I am thinking of you. Classically trained to investigate and evaluate all and everyone who comes before me. Assuming that I knew what was best for me, I would say it would be you. I tested fate out yet again. I had left you alone, and ignored all attempts at getting to know you again, but did I listen to my inner self stating that you were a distant memory, and that everything about you and in regards to you would be forgotten. Immediately I assumed that love wouldn’t live here anymore with you, but in fact loved continues to blossom and bloom for you. No matter how hard I try to deny my truth and intent for you, everything appears to leave me. Strength, sanity and for all it’s worth my soul. Encased in a glass by your essence. Surrounded in such a way I am left suffocating. One will never know the power of your hold upon me.
So as entranced as I am, I am wishing and hoping that you come along and set me free. I am praying that I will find that ideal partner to compliment me in all ways as possible. We read continually in magazine, and newspapers just how much one searches for their ideal mate. People will go to the ends of the earth in search of that special someone. What will I have to do? I write openly about my feelings and report all the up and down moments, because my emotions, heart and love at this moment is inconsistently consistent. It’s as if expecting anything above and beyond, but then again receiving temporary relief with some saddened structure. As fleeting and failing as my love life appears I trust in it. I am learning to turn these feelings, disappointments, failures and downright discerning moments into written momentum. I am tackling my fears and facing them head on each fear one day at a time. I can only count my many blessings and ability to transcend the onslaught of this crazy crazy life.
Although I am writing my troubles away, I wish to touch and affect as many people as possible. I wish the dating and relating world to be in peace with all and everyone in it. I am hoping that life continues to generate subjects for me that release and transition past, present and make waves for future possibilities.

Lesson Fifty Six: I am not surprised …..
I could claim a love relapse, but I won’t. I just went back to revisit an old hurt that I continually press on about and speak of whenever I write. Nothing will change overnight, and it takes time to see things, especially life through, however, never discourage yourself from a lesson and a blessing.

Detox

Can I drain my feelings for you? Is it possible to strain the extra weighted water from our existence? Can there be another way around these feelings? Simply holding the memory loss machine to my mind, body and soul. Clearing all that existed of and about you. No longer relying on moments in the pass to get through the moments of missing you. A memory of no significance or existence to me anymore. Self resolve and at times loathing of the truth can put you (me) in a pissy mood. I am not looking forward to this acceptance and acknowledgement. I am not looking forward to starting anew once again in regards to my heart, and hearts feelings. I am aching to cling to everything that reminds me of you, and I mean everything. I am standing in my own way of closure. My fears and anxieties of losing you entirely overwhelm me. I cannot bring myself to face the world knowing that we are never going to exist on any level again. As truth begins to sink in and fade into each and every crevice of my mind, I become disenchanted and uninterested in anyone who’s presenting themselves to me in any way, shape or form. My anger and upset at you and me not becoming anything more than an emotional flop upsets and disturbs me. Why couldn’t we make it? Every time I attempt to find some sort of loving happiness and development in life it’s always shadowed by a reality of some sorts. I feel as if there is something in the way and it’s unmovable. I question myself time and time again, about my relationship choices and actions and role I play in each experienced moment. I question myself all the time. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to not deserve successful relationships? Is there something not clicking with me? I always end up centering around me…..Never taking the time to look at you, him, them and formerly US.
As I write this self imposed letter of acknowledgement to myself, I am noticing that I want someone who really doesn’t exist. I am allowing myself to become temporarily engaged in interests, because I do not dare challenge myself to experiencing a long term meaningful relationship. Casual and slightly interested, or someone whose entirely inaccessible remains an immediate interest for me. Closing my heart off to all who dare enter or want to enter, but opening my heart to continued aches and pains from closed off people and their own individual experiences. Is this what I want from life? Is this what I am expecting to continue to happen and also, to continue to be experienced in regards to my dating and relating life and interest? I don’t have all the answers, but I do know is that change occurs when one is ready to make the individual and necessary transitions. I am neither ready entirely or completely cut off from transitioning. I do know that in time my heart and love will be dually received and it will get reciprocated back. I know that there is more to life then hanging around awaiting the development and experience of something to begin, when it will never pilot off the runway. Although I venture to say that perhaps you will divert your time and energy to me, and there I go off again on a wishful thinking cruise, but then I slow down and allow reality and life to remain in front of me. You will not open and close my door for me, or provide me with candy on Valentine’s Day. You will not make it your best effort or take your time to spend it with me. You have continually appeased me to be around you, because all in all you care for me and like me and you are attracted to me, but there is nothing more and further. I have given myself, and time to you and on my own ventured out to be with you, however, you keep closing life’s doors and not letting me in, so I am going to us both a favor and lock this door. I will not venture out to you anymore. I will continue to write about my detoxification from you, because you have tainted my mind, body and soul and I must slowly clear and clean myself of you. So it begins…….

Enter NEW…..
Attention and interest continues to come towards me. I am impressed and pleased that males are taking notice. I am not shrugging them away, but gladly entertaining their interest. Although my heart at times feels stunted, it’s not entirely at a loss and I know I will transcend and push forward and make the most and best of each and every moment. As I toss and turn in my bedroom at night, my solace comes not from the quiet in my apartment, but from the lessening of pain in my heart. I dually know that when its time for me to love again, I truly will open my heart to him. He will deserve because I will know his heart is true. Although we cannot help who we love, we can guide the ones deserving to be loved back into our life. Progress is to be made and will this summer is MINE!

Lesson Fifty Five: There is more…..
Just when you think your life is being swallowed and spit right back at, you’d never know that when you were on the down and coming back up everything was corrected. You experienced something and it was being worked on. Just when I think I have lost each and everything, I am being picked right back up and starting something out entirely new. I am always afforded many blessings and opportunities and as I always say, what must end will only enter something new to begin! Can I get an AMEN!