So I am falling into myself as never before. Well perhaps as before, but more defined and pretty much open to changes and transitions, as never before. Routine....I have a few, but then again I don't stick to the same routines I have developed.

So my dreamed about vacation, and break from New York City living occured. I along with my two best friends vacationed in Barbados. We stayed at an amazing resort, which not only catered to our needs, wants and all included desires; the vacation allowed us to simply be and live unstressed, and as relaxed as possible. I was exposed to a different, but familial and familiar culture of exotic peoples. The weather battered us, but brought us out and about in at times torrential rains. I truly enjoyed being in a tropical location, able to see the vast and limitless skies, and able to rest and relax with balmy tempered waters. I slept well, ate well and was entertained well. I truly am feeling renewed.

So in my most renewed state my fantasies have met me. I continue to dream and entertain a former lover, and self deemed soul mates expressive emails and role play scenes featuring us in our most intimate and passionate positions. Do I go further and allow a definite past to become a definite future experience? I don't know.... Door number two opens to a male friend whom I have love feelings for at times, but then other times I have no apathy towards him. He appears apologetic and missing me. I don't know if our unspoken distance has allowed him to see the strain on our friendship and assumed relationship, but I am long gone from him and have emotionally checked out, but yet I read his messages. I am attempting to find a happy medium between us. Perhaps we can remain friends, but then again I question myself "where we ever friends"?......The man of the moment who has my heart, who silently calms my emotional waves, and is the tide and rip current that moves me. I am wishing he was right beside me. Sharing my bed with me, me cuddle close to him and lay my head on his vast chest. I love his smell, and mostly I love to see him lay back. I love when my mouth is on him and over him, his confidence and comfort ability with me, arouses me to new points of passion and pleasure. As you can see my love for him is more defined then just bed mates........

So on vacation and all I gathered my thoughts and took from all learned that I actually started having a romantic and relationship routine. Missing your lover, the daily communication, and night time conversation. Missing the connection and connective pieces. Allowing your day and evening to coexist with your lovers. Entwined in such a way that not experiencing a day, moment or gathered routine with your lover throws you entirely off the daily chart. The only thing righting you would be your lover.

So throwing care and concerns to the wind and embracing them all, I still love you. I have denied you each and other waking moment and space in time, but yet I come right back to you. For with you I am most appeased and content, and without you life does continue on, but in question. So as I vacationed my mind and soul, my body remained hovering back home in search of you. Did you know I love the way you snore, and the way you turn your head towards me. When you embrace me, and place one tree limb of a leg over me. I love that and more. A smile, a laugh and a giggle is all I need to hear from you and I am instantly relaxed. Just thinking of the recent moment(s) we have had, or shall I say routine happenings between us, I am excited for where things seem to be going, but then again I don't want to become overly confident and mistake computability for commitment either. It's a waiting game between us, and each day I am saying to myself should I stay or should I go, I don't know......but as each day passes I am embracing you more and more. Routine.

Lesson Seventy Nine: Never forget stability, and never compromise instability.
I am learning more and more each day, and having the ability to translate an emotion into written feelings and statements, allows me to clearly manage where I see myself, and where I am soon heading. Although situations, people and time may be fleeting, what is experienced is for ever more emblazoned in our minds.


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