The world within and the world without


 
Today I attempted to rationalize a hurt that could potentially devastate me if I attempted to make more sense of it. The more I started to open up about the pain that was a dull numb to me a few days before to now have transitioned into a noticeable ache…I began putting two and two together and started to face my impending problem in a way that would lead to more resolution and less emotionally charged moments where I would be left to my own devices of getting past the difficult moments to making collective sense about an issue.

It appeared yet again my emotions were at a high, and being at such a heightened state I was experiencing a lot of moments where I was reeling on the brink of self-discovery or hurling myself into an emotional world wind. I wanted answers to questions I had dared not to ask him, and him being in question has bought all of these moments of confusion and difficulty to my immediate attention.  I also was looking for self-acceptance in others who at the time appeared to be excellent distractions that enabled me to slowly lose myself in the myth of forgetting your focal problem, but entering another problem with no immediate need for an answer. The ability to waist time in such a way would grant me serenity for the longevity of the mood that was in the midst of forming and soon to be passing, but this secondary problem turned into a reflection of what would never become, and yet again I was left reeling with two emotional setbacks that kept me drifting away.

The unease and sense of wanting to capture all the pain and turn it into joyful moments came over me as a new entrance into my life occurred. His gentleness and masculinity has always held my attention, his ability to bring comfort and relaxation into the moments we had experienced together was more than enough to get me through the night, but yet I had this nagging feeling that he would enter my life again as he had done so before and whisk me off my feet, and tell me everything I have wanted to hear about his ability to guide my harden heart back into the living world. How he was entirely different from before, and that although he has disappointed me he would never stray away from me again. I wanted to receive all the reassurances that he never stuck to when we initially met. I wanted to feel the confidence of a jilted lover being redeemed from the lover whom initially discarded their emotions. I wanted to freely breathe in everything he was telling me and never have a doubt in regards to him, and his life meaning and intentions with me, but yet nothing is ever guaranteed and the feelings of inadequacies and never being entirely enough started to rear its ugly head back into my visual plain and so I am left to deal with my emotional missteps and behaviors that soon followed.

It’s not easy to sit with my feelings, especially when they are at an all-time high. Or when I feel as if I am expecting a reaction or response from the other in question, but yet they don’t do anything to appease my emotions or allow a sense of calm and peace to come to mind. I then am left to look within myself, and within looking within myself I am discovering the affects that I have allowed myself to feel in the name and loss of affections within their eyes. Being aware of this outcome not only makes my emotional state arrive at its highest, but it also places me in a unique position as to where I am left to counter these emotions and stabilize myself once again.

It’s within my Yogic asana that I have found balance and symmetry to my unbalanced emotional state, and although I would love to regard my three lovers with ease and review their sharpened darts to my heart with enthusiasm I am left to simply send love and light and let peace be still and render my heart from it’s painful clutches. If I am ever to learn about this thing called life and the romantic and at times deceptive experiences that have torn down many emotional walls I will have to learn how to rebuild and keep my emotions and heart afloat and learn how to release tension and worries and stress that’s been building and wanting to topple at the days end.

Today I sought and I found, but as I answered I started to simmer and within sitting with my feelings and emotions I freely vented but within each yoga pose and move I swayed, and so here I am building the karmic bridges of love to renew the faith that was loss within me.

 

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