My testament to S.E.L.F.

Reactive?


I was looking for a piece of that "relationship pie" or perhaps a slice of a small reality of a shared experience with a lover that would last no longer than a few hours, and slowly mean less and less to one another as the night transitioned into a twilight and the morning rise.

As I slowly made my connect with a warm body, I started to see my descent and as high as I had risen during the day I was slowly on my way to a pool of nothingness. The more the time ticked away and my preparation for the expected evening rendezvous was upon me, I started to become distracted and disoriented in a sense. I started to not think about the encounter as a distractor, or mood booster or an immediate injection into the realms of skipping to work the following day and silently regretting an impulsive moment that a AA battery operated adult toy device could have handled in less than 10 seconds.

Rawness?

My truth...old patterns and behaviors has cast not only shadows upon me, but predictable routine too, and just when I was embracing celibacy, and cutting former actively in love flames off for good within the sense of emotional, physical and mental stimulation; the inertia popped up within me and it was literally kicking my ass with pangs of needing to be physically desired by another to the point of unbeknown fantasies playing back and fourth throughout my mind.

Clarity?

Well single life isn't entirely dull, the perks of being single revolve around the ability to relax and let loose and not be tied, compared, prompted, pressed, pushed, challenged and changed to be considered anything outside of yourself, and when that clarity is experienced in a sense life begins to freely show you her worth and willingness to be at peace, but when the carnal desire to be kissed, touched and intimately handled, well that is another beast that can literally take over your self created bubbled world in a matter of milliseconds unless it's under control.

y tu?

So in preparation for a guaranteed misstep in my personal life I was reclaiming back from soured and lost love..I almost belly flopped into it, but my plans fell through, because my lover fell through and although I was disappointed at first I took it as a sign that it is my spiritual intention to not simply settle with anyone, and to truly explore, exhaust, rediscover, learn and leave love and get it right back again in a matter of interconnected and interpersonal relationships, which are built on actively listening, and believing in a dual relationship and a commitment to have an independent and interdependent relationship.

So I leave you with this powerful statement that answered why I almost chose to jump this insatiable bridge..."EVERY CHOICE YOU MAKE IS EITHER AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE, OR AN EXPRESSION OF FEAR. THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE!" A Course In Miracles

I almost chose my lover out of a fear...of being alone, undesired and needing to be needed even in a mere moment..it was not an expression of love and so I stopped myself and went to bed.

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