The build up!

As I exit from my work day, I think about the week that just past. The work week had the makings of a short worked week. I was thinking about how I will be prepping to leave for Barbados soon, and also, my impending 30th birthday and birthdate is steadily approaching. My happiness and contentment has been recieved and reached by me. Slowly, but surely improving my mindset and becoming emotionally grounded and open to new ventures and viewpoints in regards to life; I can only say thank you for the second wind.

So entering this new phase and moment in my lifetime; I can only sense "The build up". To what is developing and happening, I have no idea, but to where life appears to be streaming and going, the steady satisfaction and comfort in knowing my ability to work through my personal crisis, issues and problems. My ability to emotionally detach myself at a given time from some experiences and look at life realistically and at times logically. Being selfless and selfish are key factors for me in my life. Realistically thinking, while day dreaming and fantasy playing. Making amends for all the stressors and strife life presents us, and what we present and bring to life.

So I am sensing and seeing the dating field as a build up. If I could place all the males I have dated within the past ten years of my adult life, I could probably come up with maybe two or three that suited me so, but there just was that certain something about them that did not hold me enough to allow me to remain with them, or perhaps our relationship did not mature in a manner that allowed us to further our experiences together. So with that being said I have decided to enjoy the art of dating. Dating is no longer a hinderance, but a recent interest that needs to be experienced and explored. Although it is appearing that a lot of males are thinking in the same mind set "See a woman, sleep with a woman, and on to the next woman", this game has grown tiresome and at times left me not wanting to entetainin any dates. I held all males responsible for the nature of their sexually oriented thoughts only, and I simply accepted the fact of being single and casually dating with no emotional ties and connections. Well as I have grown, I have come to see that not one, but two can direct traffic in the realm of dating and relating. So I am no long a pedestrian crossing dangered streets, but a thinking, feeling and passionate vehicle in motion. Ever going further with my observations, I thought about all the times when I was in a meet, greet and sleep and on to the next mode. I thought about the people whom have grown to care and develop love oriented feelings for me. I thought about all the good times I have experienced, and the people I have experienced them with. So at times I was that person who loved them and left them. I was the person who played with someones heart strings, and painful detached myself from their connections to me, I was someone who only thought entirely of myself and my situation, and never about the effects of my actions on my choosen lover.

So looking from the outside, and returning back into a self reflective state; I am coming to terms with my past and present and history and my patterns. I am coming to terms with my roles in other peoples lives, and also, my expectations and wants from others, but shortage in securing them in unison. I am not retracting any life experience, or deeming everything a disaster and learning from scratch again and turning a new page or as society say "a leaf" over. I am embracing my life, and the choices I have decided to make. I am taking my time and reviewing everything with a watchful eye, and open mind. I know what I want and desire and am accepting and receieving in my life. I have decided to embrace the experiences, but not forget them. As I move forwards I am appreciative of my past, and positioning myself to continue to enjoy life, and live vicariously through experience. It's a great teacher, and wonderous friend to life.

Lesson Seventy: The old was never in, the now is ever present!

I am reaching forward and focusing more than ever before. Making my life choices and decisions possible. Looking forward to whatever the future holds, and whatever is in store for me. Never letting an experience destroy you, but building on from each and everyone. Be it good or bad, each experience has brought us somewhere in life, and has taught us something about ourseleves which continues to transition us even more into our future. I am fortunate for the down times and blessed for the happier times. As always looking for a balance.......the build up.