Monogomy over monotony?

This weekend I really had time to embrace myself and most intimate thoughts. What brought on these thoughts and more? Well I could actually specify one occurrence that opened up the flood gates of emotionally heart felt and not one lick of draining moments for me during my weekend.

So as Friday entered so did my long work week and all the feelings associated with not wanting to think about work, a work issue, a co worker, a client or impending Monday's reports due. All I wanted to do was be embraced. I really didn't have a set person(s) to be embraced by, however, all I wanted for was an experience outside of my recent Friday's. So I kicked back, hung out with my close friends, laughing and enjoying some decadent drinks, ambiance of the location we selected for the evening.

So as the enjoyment came through, I started to release the assumed pain. I started to think about the one who has continued to occupy my thought and heart. I really had this impression that he who captivated me, held me the majority and all of the time, well I am finding this statement to not be true. In fact I have found a solution that is appropriate to me, and my current situation. My situational heart, and the love that I apply to the ones I become interested in more than a platonic way.

So reaching forward I am seeing myself more and more. I am giving myself (love, body, mind and time and heart) to people who are emotionally unavailable. People who can not commit to me at any given time. People who are only temporally invested in me. I can give them the world in a span of a couple of hours, but to ask them to return the favor, I am left hovering over the Earth. So with numerous realizations, and truths of the many matters that have been brought to my attention a discovery occurred. Love is not limited to one. How this occurred to me was during my massive texting which I will admit I was slightly twisted (drank the best of the best of the best) but I continued to express myself and clear my mind. I continued to state why you can't and couldn't be with me, and why you didn't want me? I went there. I questioned myself and questioned him. I even ran the idea of having this text conversation and just simply telling everything I needed to relate and say to this guy, but it ended on another note. I am releasing and relinquishing all of my feelings and emotions to someone who cant receive them and send back. I am impressing myself on someone who might acknowledge my affections and feelings entirely different, and for that I am aware and understand. I am forgiving of myself, because now I know that love can be lived, centered and accepted, but soon released. Especially if its the love the is in passing, and I am OK to have fallen in loved with you, but I continue to release you with no understanding and acceptance as to why I can not let you go, but now I am aware and know that our love was experienced and expressed and it passed on, so I am free to love and learn and express and experience again, with no fault or problems in my findings.

SO enters more probabilities and options. The association of intimate, sexual acts with loving, made to love orders of a budding relationship; is there or will there ever be a possibility? So as I am releasing my emotional ties and looking at life from different perspectives, I am also thinking about the sexual acts themselves and the investments of my time concerning them. Does each act remain the all end all for everything felt and experienced? Does one act stand out over the others? Can just one act satisfy me? All good questions to be thought over and delved into further, however, I am seeing my answers as I live them out and write of them. A lover may be received, but our motivations and intent must be thought out prior to the act or attempting an act itself. We can want, need, feel for and vibe with another, but in the end each relationship has it's weight in your life. On the importance scale of living we have to see which one works out best, and is a better situation for ourselves. Sanity and clarity are prominent figures that's needed in my life, and in order to make a good transition to the betterment of self and the experience, we must remain entirely open and honest with ourselves.

So each experience represent a time in my life. Each person brings forth feelings and needed moments that are occurring in our lives. No one at the moment is fitting the entire description, so until then I will treat each lover as a whole. I will take from each moment and experience what needs to be received and that is all. Not adding fuel to the fire, not making assumptions or super imposing the wants in needs into someone who will never be that one. So a morbid ending to a sensually popping beginning, but it is something that is not left only to the fantasies and mines imagination, but a truth that brings forward a prospective one, who will suit all the needs and desires henceforth.

Lesson Sixty-Eight: Acknowledgement

Having the ability to admit, omit, say "Yes I did" or "Yes I am aware" is not only a breather from life, but also a freeing statement. Being honest with yourself and putting everything needed up and out front is what is to be desired for. The truth in your everyday, remains to be the truth in your survival and longevity. Although life remains in question, and constantly fluctuating and changing, life makes bold impressions and key designs and patches up the unknown, undecided and not for seen. So being upfront and opening up and seeing what is beyond the eyes is all telling and all growth.


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