Where do I go from here

Cold feet appears to be my best bet and best friend. I ask myself am I destined and doomed to feelings of uninterest, measured entertainiment of others, and potential down falls of inconsistenacy. I break off a headche of a friendship and whirlwind of a relationship, because I simply can not take the feeling of not being actively involved, in love and beyond the bed sheets living. Am I wrong for wanting more than the assumed norms of a woman's routine with a male mate? Can I simply just have an interest? Must the opposite sex be motivated by one's physical appearance, which later triggers a response inwhich should I play into, I will be defined and destned to just another pleasure piece on the endless board of loved games. I definitely don't want to play anymore, however, I find myself entertaining the bull shit.

So at this moment I am entirely in a cloud. My thoughts and mind stay far from the ground. It's as if I want to forget each and everyone, and begin anew, but when we begin anew we are continually challenged with the ones we need to get rid of. So on this life challenge I have decided that I might want to be a better love games figurine, I might want to actually go forward with these demands and wants of others on my own terms, and by my own rules. Perhaps I have a simple case of the fuck it's, but I really don't think of it as that. I just see it for how life simply is. It's a game, you either are the important players or the supporting case. As an important player you are constantly making moves and in motion. Should I accept the challenges and want to make the moves, I am accepting a fate unknown at times to me, but easily lived by me. I am returning to the point of no return, and no regrets. the point where I could care less who you are and what you are about, it's my interest and motivation that must be appeased. Do I go this route.....or do I go the other route that has held me literally in an emotional bubble for so long. I have simply become someone I am slightly content with......

So enters A new. I am intrigued and interested, but I am looking at the menu and simply I have not passed the appetizer. Oh Mr. Seductive fits all of the amazing choices, however, what he does not know is that I clearly see through the lines and filmy emotional hang up's. Impressionable I can be at times, however, I am not so romantically warped that I could not see his intentions.....It amazes me how a little word games and lip locking luster will make the mind bend your own damn needs. Passion is absolutely contagious, and at times, unmistakable, however, it's truly misleading, and for that I have no idea why I entangle, engage and bother with the whole rituals. As misleading as getting to know one can be, it can also be an experience to remember, and for each experienced I have gained valuable and wonderful life lessons, which I would not exchange for the world! However, it's like a personal mind double DAMN! Can and will things every change and get better? Will the opposite sex differ so much that I could just simply breath and not giggle about all the misled attempts!

So my self offer is to accept this challenge and play it and everything to the fence, recall, remember, excite and ignite each and every passionate flame, with no realistic motivations and intentions I am destined to reign on top with a heart ache, but a helluva memory bank!

Lesson Seventy Nine: I really could care less at times.....

I try to play by the rules, and figure each and everything out, but as life presents itself nothing appears to be getting better and greater unless it's tested, tainted and aged properly. The more I stay calm and entertaining to the bull shit, the more I turn inward and stay away from the uncomfort, challenges and moments that make and break people. I wont hover over anything anymore either. One in a million, and I'm just that one.

So I am accepting of the challenge. Beware!