Oh I do Declare!
I have not updated my blog as of recently because so much has changed, occurred and happened within a span of 30 plus days. I ventured to an exotic island of delight and surprise, and almost went with my carnal and most intimate needs and wants, however, I refrained from going further because I was awaiting something and someone in response. Barely after touching back to New York City from Bridgetown Barbados, a call from a familiar stranger filtered through my system. He awoken all my needs and wants and hopes and desires, and a sense of distress and almost panic at the disco kicked in. I was looking for flights to Nashville, planning my work scheduled and making arrangements as we spoke, but then reality and life kicked in, and what was deemed an interesting call simply faded to black. I no longer looked for his attention and appeasement. Six years of friendship and an awesome year of intimacy and romanticism forgot. So closing that door I was faced with my now, the occasional text message from a dependable male from Louisiana. The state of hardship, eroticism, exoticism and all that jazz. What exactly was I looking for and attempting to rekindle, restart or for that matter begin. As quickly as my video chat loaded and touch screen moved, so did the fizzled out sense of wanting and belonging. I was asking myself, why am I forcing and pressing the issue of being in love, developing a relationship and perhaps entertaining the idea of starting a partnership and getting married and bearing children? If I can’t see a tomorrow with you, why am I trying for today? So that idea and relationship nixed and fizzled. So on to the man whom I deem my new found love, my interest that has captivated me for a year. The man whom I can see no wrong, or want no harm to come to, but then he says perhaps one or two things, or perhaps his actions aren’t well received by me and then he goes on the shit list again, and I begin to wonder why did me the fool fall in love. Although my assumed amor expresses otherwise, and guides me right back into the senseless state of loving him and wanting to continue to love him. I have no idea why I even care or feel for him, or have an inkling that he will redeem himself and make his way through, but I will never deny my love feelings for him, whatever will occur which isn’t occurring is what is trapping my mind. I step away from him by pulling myself out of an assumed environment and starting all over again, but am I really safe from my heart?
So enters two new male interests, one is smooth and calculating and has my interest piqued, but his associations and baggage and just outlook on life isn’t appealing to me, but yet again a smile text and bubbly conversation keeps the interest going, will I further explore and entertain, I don’t even know. Second interest, well he has entirely an interesting mixture, baby mama drama, ACS involvement, a sense of civil service and exactitude to his fellow “brothers”, but am I feeling him? No. So what do I do, send the occasional hello response or reply right back. NEXT!
What is there about love and loving and the levels experienced and expressed by others in love? Like seriously, love wants to live here, but at times love doesn’t live here anymore. I question my sanity and mindset and even look within looking for answers to unanswered questions, however, I must always stay on top of my own personal situation and needs and wants. It’s like a never ending story, with always a new beginning and unfinished middle part, but I’m not afraid, I dare say that! I think of Mary J. Blige and the beat to “All I want to Be Is Happy” and my head automatically bobs in unison. By the book I try to be in regards to loving and learning to love, however, I am not and no longer fault myself. My happiness is sought by my inner longings to conquer my emotional cravings and yearnings. If I am at fault for experiencing life, then so be it. Hurt, sad, happy and mad I am emotionally craving it all.
So I return to my blog in a newly designed state. A state of appeal and interest, and a newness to want to sample them all and still have my plate. A plate of intent and not truly selfish needs, because ideally I know what I want and desire, and I am looking forward to seeking that and more. Perhaps the 30’s began with a huge bang for me and a tumultuous slide with decisions and choices not truly known to me, but as with a popular saying “that dollar could of bought lotto”, I am illustrating to myself instability to stability to known and the unknown. “I’m ready”!
Lesson Seventy Eight: Welcome to the fold!
Texas hold em, or New York work it! So my little break from the written world has allowed me to go through the peaks and valleys and experience and further express my needs and wants and desires, but what’s more amazing is welcoming the unknown and fearing nothing. In my needed moments guidance has always been there and prevailed. Whatever it is the continues to propel me further, and allow me coping skills and survival mechanisms continues to afford me the mindset and destiny of a woman living in the moment to the fullest!