The butterflies or the anxiety flies?

So the newness has taken over me. I am definitely not complaining at all, in fact I am absolutely looking forward (at times) to the new experiences and what not, however, when one is taken with the start of something new, you become almost consumed in the fresh feeling that anything off putting, upsetting, bothersome and off becomes heightened to the tenth degree. So I am batteling the nerves and just generally trying not to think too much. I question normalcy and assumed normal roles within the dating and relating schemes. I mean seriously is it really this hard to date and relate, or am I just that much out of the loop and self absorbed to take note of the pro's and con's in the dating world. The likes and dislikes and assorted flavors of behavior! So much to learn and absorb. So As I enter the dating world my head remains steady and line of vision focused, but my emotional sleeves and armour isn't sturdy enough!

Recent daydreams and daymares as I like to call have caused me to over analyze HIM! Perhaps I am thinking too hard, and longing for that ideal mate and moment to enter in my life, to somehow set things straighter than before (in the dating and relating realm). However, I am only encountering barriers and walls. Although he appears to have good intentions, I question his motivations. Should I give in slightly to his come on's and lines, then I would have easily fallen into his web, but when I appear to be slightly interested and gradually entertained everything appears to be falling into perspective in regards to communication remaining close and upfront and expected when unexpected even. Perhaps this slight weekend break down has lead me to emotional rollar coaster levels! So I can't get use to the previous, and I must expect and prepare for the rest now? I have no idea, all I know is that I am definitely in a transitional phase in my life. My life has evolved several times over and around in regards to the dating and relating, and although every experience is new and different; I am sensing slight similarities, however, nothing is ever quite the same, but this time I am feeling myself entertaining the idea of liking to getting to know and then falling in love. Trusting in someone is never an easy task, but I am feeling a break free moment ideally described as off centering for me. Should I let him in, I am exposing myself to situational choices and more, but am I willing and able to accept this and his challenges?.......

Waiting for a message is like waiting for that second wind of much needed air. I am exhausted from thinking about him, and wondering why in three days I feel tumultuous tidal changes and waves extending far from behind me and drawing me in. The fear of nothing fairing well or ever being right drowns me at times, but for some reason I stay afloat and keep dreaming. Is it you?

Lesson Eighty: Just breath

Writing out a feeling leaves you not only exhausted, but it leaves you with so many misguided words, forming an even larger misguided paragraph, that is eventually read by another misguided being into understanding and acceptance. I breath a sigh of relief because I wrote exactly how I am feeling.


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