Another Chapter Read........

It takes reading your life book to truly realize all the pages that have been turned and re read again and again. The book I am creating and authoring all myself. This book I envisioned a lot of changes and transitions and "do overs". So enters a closing of a life chapter that I am finally coming to terms with. Over the past two weeks I have finalized my summer vacation to Barbados with two of my best friends. I have accepted my love for someone I have harvested feelings for, become emotionally attached to in a years time, explored ideas and options and possible relationship thought set with my love interest, however, time and pain and life's reality settled in. I began to stop wanting what just could not happen and occur with him, and I began appreciating the friendship once again. Yes, we are still intimately connected, but it's not as costly as before. Love will always remain, but time has been of essence, and it has not prompted any further happenings, so I released it and him, and just became me all over again. Detaching myself from him has shown me where I want to be, and that is simply HAPPY.

So welcoming in my 30th was an amazing blessing experienced with friends and family. I ate well (Thai food)and drank exceptionally well, I sang my heart out at karaoke and truly was amazed at the happenings of the night and the days to follow. I entertained dates, and also, looked forward to meeting up with friends. I allowed myself to think outside of the box, and I am not expecting anything more or further from anyone. I can only expect my reactions and predict my possible outcomes. All I can do in regards to pulling you, or pushing you further in or away from me is our truth and reality, which is to be faced. No more living with a life veil over my eyes, protecting me from reality and basically my future. I can not live for you, or conform to your ideals and life's standards, as with you can not live just for me, and change or transition your life to what I envision and see for truth.

So as I laughed, smiled, entertained company and became sexually optimistic and sensual, bored and in through, wet and open to ideas and ready for that pressure, I slowed each moment down and really thought to myself......I am asking for you (whomever he is) to come to me. I want to be free from life's stressors, to enter my life as unscratched and unscathed as possible, to save me from myself and discouraging thoughts and life acts that aren't pleasing to me anymore. As you (he) knelt over me to enter me I really thought about my sexual self and needs. I thought about the position and the connective tissues, and blood vessels opened to the rush of red passion. The burst of an orgasmic flame, or missed connection. The undulated swivel of my pelvis and mound on your body. My legs opening wider and I gasping louder and louder. At that moment as intense as ever, I thought to myself where am I going? If I want something from you, shouldn't I be living my life as such? A good life, of a reserved female awaiting her prince charming. A life of being patient and letting time and soured experiences go by. In passing I am twiddling my thumbs still optimistic and hopeful? I question this, and my rogue and renegade self says fuck as much as I want, cum as hard as I please and exclaim all mishaps, hurts and relationship strife's to the world. But in my self deprecated state, with my legs open and self exposed to the world I listen to my hurting me. I long for love and a relationship. I give in and up too easily and I doubt myself and discourage each experience as a mistake and a knock on myself, but then I hear an unknown voice reporting back to me that my life is meant to be explored and challenged. I am meant to feel, love hard and learn hard, but with each battle I must learn better stratagems to prepare myself for the licking of my own wounds self inflicted, or assumed lover inflicted. I am to hold my head up high and go forward with no fears at all. For each life lesson, a life map is revealed. I am right where I want and need to be. I can't settle for life's assumed norms or allow others to dictate what is good and great for me, for they don't breath, live or think like me. I welcome opinions and critics will always be there, but in the end I will remain the writer of my story, and for each chapter I write in my self book I intend to explore, expand and resolve and evolve all at once. Cheers to the fucking tears.

So as this chapter opened and begins to close I can not help but think about the forces of nature that almost impose a "to settle" attitude on me. I almost got caught up in just settling, but life again showed me the red flags. When in doubt and uncomfortable let it go. Intuition is not only your best friend, but the solid benefactor of you believing in it. Living out of the seat of my pants has provoked and exploited me all at once, but in essence where would I be if I didn't step outside the life lines.

Lesson Seventy Four: Believe in ME

When you rest your head you are you. When you awake and turn around, you are thinking of you. When you dream those big dreams, they are entirely exclusive only to you, but they demand the attention of an evolved you. Although we make mistakes, and at times tear ourselves up and feel slighted by life and tired by the assumed picture perfects of others, we have to remember we are exactly where we want to be. I can not smile for you, but I can smile for me. My faith in you will please me, but belief and faith in myself propels me.