Not turning back.....

I am noticing that we are relating a lot differently lately. Initially I assumed that we hashed everything out upon our last visit. I assumed we were going to make our most passionate attempts at trying. I even dared to think there was going to be a possibility of me and you? Hmmmmmm.....day dreams to night dreams, to times spent waking and looking up for you. I dare say I did get use to the moments and times experienced with you. I did find comfort and safety in your embrace and warmth on those nights. I rested my mind on your arm, embraced within your heart. However, all was well when it started well, but now things are blah. Should I pity anyone or complain? Do I, or would I like to transition things back to what they use to be? I actually had a long shower session with myself and worked everything out. I realized that I am ready for things when I am ready for them. I also realized that although you may care and like someone, even welcome and embrace their company it does not negate a relationship or ties to them. I like a leech want blood. I want the fiery passion of the person whose hosting me. I want to consume you. All of you. However, that's not necessarily the right or even healthy way to go about dating and relating and wanting someone. My inability to stand alone for long periods at times waivers good hindsight, and ability to think and reason. I am in fact an emotional being. My moods and moments at best and even music dominate mainly the majority of my decisions. So my mood with you, while I was with you was passionate and sweet and expressive. As I am away from you, my mood remains untouchable.........do you blame me love? Do you?

Letting it all out......

Blowing out the hot air and instantly breathing in the cool and cold air for my lungs. Its not only refreshing, but amazingly a relaxing state of being. At the moment I am feeling so many emotions. The fear and excitement of pursuing a career change. The love and hate relationship experienced with someone who I adore, but at the same time I know he isn't right for me, but I continually try (not without reading previous entries and settling myself). I allow time for so many others and people to enter my life, transition my now and change my all, but no longer. This is time for me to experience and express myself. This is time for me to truly enjoy my moments. To experience what interests me and what exactly I love and lean on. This is a time where I make choices and decisions without a care or worry. I am learning to love and value independent me, but not go hard on interdependent me. To trust and relate and make all attempts as possible of living out my life to the fullest. I must stretch and broaden my mind and expand my horizons. If I can make it, any and everyone can be uplifted as well and make it through many of storms. Because we can. Strong, confident and amazingly talented. I must move fast and forward. Through above and under and all.

Lesson Thirty Seven: PLEASE SAY THANK YOU TO LIFE....

Thank you life for the complications and hair frizzy moments. For the utter stress and strain and pain. For the heart pulls and jerks and utter moments of complete mind freeze and closure. I thank you life for gathering me in your arms and stretching me forward to all experiences. I never knew how amazing bad decisions and choices could make you feel once expressed, relieved and closed on. Life has presented many with many options and I failed to open all of those doors.....well life I am eager, willing and ready. I want all the doors to be open and placed before me. I am ready life, let me in.