Being Honest With Yourself
So I have come to the conclusion that I cannot appease and please everyone I have some sort of intimate type of relationship or contact with. I cannot be your all and everything, umbrella in the rain, woolen jacket in the winter time, because I have no affinity for you. I say this with both nonchalance and subtle regret; for I appreciate you in each and every way, but I have reopened that chapter of possibly maybe with you and drew a blank, and then I close it with ease. Ease in knowing that I am not forcing myself to build on friendly feelings. The friendly feelings that compel you to taste the waters of your friendship, to possibly see what is outside of this unique and attractive friendship. In reviewing how exactly our friendship became as such, I then become honest with myself and my needs and wants and ever changing desires. Our friendship initially began in a wave of emotional changes and transitions and interests. Our friendship also began at a distance and was soon to be bonded by our meeting. Our meeting was to be destined a romantic and unbelievable experience (in my books) however, it was entertaining and interesting, but nothing out of the norm (if you call meeting someone from one state to the next normal nowadays) of a regular friendly gathering. The only exception of course is the chosen and moments of interesting passionate. I wasn’t against it, rather I was entertained and interest piqued, and being a sexually exploring woman of the wind (as I see myself) my appetite was satisfied, but not necessarily thoroughly quenched. For we went our separate ways. As time passed on the relationship dissolved into my black book of for longed entries. So now you come back into my life without a clean slate (is anyone’s slate really clean?), and you expect me to acknowledge the past and the before, and to see reason in that intimate weekend? Could I see beyond the sheets? Could I imagine myself giving myself to you, solely not only for weekends, but for now and good? I teased my brains, I assumed the many possibilities and outcomes, but pure logic burned into my mind and heart. It was never meant to neither be, nor will it ever be or become. As hard and contrite as they sounds and seems, deep in you heart of many hearts you know it’s true. So I write this not as an excuse as to my why’s and the why not’s, but as a simple statement from my heart. Being Honest With Myself.
A breath and rush of needed air to the lungs……
Have you had that conversation with yourself? Have you really sat down and spilled your guts to you and only you. Knowing that the outcome of this rushed conversation may or may not be fitting for your ears, but it will resolve a lot of the issues and concerns and questions at hand. I had this conversation with myself just yesterday, and I realized two things…1) I am not ready for a serious relationship just yet 2) I really don’t know the experience of actually dating. Now I say to myself, all of the lovely relationships and constant people, and trouble I have gotten my heart into why would I say such crap! However, this crap in actuality is my reality. I am not ready to seriously pursue a relationship, because I am content where I am. With that being said I am not stating that I would not like to pursue someone seriously, however, I am saying I am working on me. Me as the person I am becoming and growing into. I feel that almost hitting thirty years of age I should have mastered these lessons and more, however, I am just starting. I remained defiant against my initial feelings and response regarding my relationship adventures, and it truly has been an adventure, however, I am no longer fighting the feelings. I am ok with being single, and pursuing my personal objectives and goals, while remaining in tuned to romantic possibilities. No longer wanting to lose a sense of me and my grounding. So I am happy that this heart to heart with me came at the right time. So although this realization seems great, I also realized another truth….I really don’t know how to value the concept of dating. Once I like you on the first date I am sold for life. Having the experience and continually building from it remains a battle in its own. Feeling my intuition is on point at all times, I factor those feelings in before actually experiencing or attempting a dating relationship, which I see and know is not doing me any good at all. So the new appeal and approach to date and actively date and not get myself into typical or causal experiences. I have a mouth and I have an opinion, so being vocal for good or bad will not stunt me, but catapult me into a new realm of understanding, dating and relating.
Lesson Twenty: Trust in YOU
Having faith, a believe set and value in something is awe inspiring and empowering. Why not have the same feelings and believe set within yourself? You trust yourself to get through the day and put your best foot forward, why can’t you trust in yourself when life changes occur from all aspects and every angle? Believe in you, for you is all you need. People will enter and leave your life, compliment and complicate your life as well, but remaining a steady grounded force will not falter your continued steps and progress.