Letting Love Vanish before my eye.......
There are many factors and possibilities in life. Life consists of so many roads, doors, stairways and so on. Tell me….how can I remain on a balanced and steady road. A road that does not struggle to remain straight. A road that doesn’t curve so much and turn so much. A road that guides me to progression and success. Where can one find such a road and place of stillness and contentment? Where?
My continued search and analyzing of the human mind, heart and soul. I say to myself daily if it is not one thing, then surely it’s the other. So as I opened myself to passionately shut you down, I closed myself to passionate poisons. I allowed my heart to venture in continuance of a me and you. I hoped that by time and distance you as space would be the filler I needed. I even fantasized situational occurrences in my mind, hoping and needing to know this is how you’d react and respond. When the time away and apart was acknowledged, and you appeared to have missed me, you came to me. As I opened my hearts doors wide open for you again, you drank from it and me. Embracing the sweet sounds and feelings of a floating and beating desire. A desire so deep and strong I have no name or calling for it, but just a feeling. A feeling that it’s yours. It’s you, and I am for you.
A day went by; a week went by and times seems readily flying yet again. Back to the before. Back to when I just could not stand to take you anymore. Do I shelter myself and heart? Do I cry and belittle myself for being weak to you yet again. Do I dare say to you in your face “Baby this is not for me, I a leaving it and you alone”. So many mixed emotions and feelings. So many racing thoughts throughout my mind. My heart is telling me to hold on and watch you grow. My mind is telling me you will never grow, you have it simple and so easy, why transition? I have written you a closure letter, I have vowed my celibacy. I have broken my celibacy and vowed my heart for you and its impending feelings. Why, I ask myself continually? If you know where this experience and situation is going, why bother? Why upset yourself further and delve into the unknown? Why continue to castrate your heart for a loved to never be received and reciprocated? Why?
As I look at the letters and words and sentences on this page, I can only say…….. That Why is what brought me to you? Curious as to if I am ever going to have that experience like no other. Curious to the fact that life is something to be seen, tasted, touched and heard. I am no stranger to hardships and hurt. I also know that when I am ready I will leave you alone. It’s already resolved within me that you are not for me. I always wanted you to see what the best in me is, so you could accept and develop an affinity and love for me, but who are you to judge me? You have no idea who I am, and as I can see, you have no reason or care to figure me out or care to figure me out. I am no longer hurt by you, by happy for you. I will not be upset or mad anymore for failed attempts at relationships.
Can we try again?........
Starting new and fresh always brings back the old and closed memories and people. A major fear and factor in resuming the past and picking up the pieces, is just how back in time is the past? Have we changed so much that there is nothing binding and tying? I ask myself, if you didn’t want me then, then how in the hell are you in love with me now? Do I really want to go back in the past? Is this experience something I am looking forward to? I have so many questions and yet no answers. In due time everything will be answered and resolved within and for me.
Lesson Fifteen: I release when I am ready…….
I can never hold on you. I can always hope that deep down inside and somewhere within you; you would change and come correct with me and my feelings for you. However, that is wishful thinking and life must resume and as they say “The show must go on”. So I have battled myself for weeks at a time and have resolved to let you alone and be. Life made an attempt with me and you. Life also closed off for me and you. Although it’s an experience in heartache, it was a needed experience. Let love conquer, let love vanish. Allow one to experience the good and bad, allow one to release all the sad.