HAPPY ONE HUNDRED...Two Year Journey
So within the two years of blogging, I look back at the emotional train that pushed forward within me and I see just where I was, and just where I wanted to be. I was a female afraid of her own emotions. I was always questioning myself and my individual needs, and at times comparing my needs and desires with others whom I assumed was likeminded and that our taste and interests favored, however, what I wasn’t really appreciating was the fact that I was and have remained my own person. Regardless of what a friend or family member assumed about a partner of my particular interest. Outside interest from friends and family members are very important, but in the end they can’t live through your emotions and experiences and make the choices for you, so understanding that in the end your decision is what matters most and more, allowed me to shed some walls I upheld for too long.
The human mind and heart are two complex entities that at times are at odds with each other, but once you realize that they are on a journey in unison rather than in battle you begin to clearly understand your role and guidelines. Two years ago my heart was in a state of limbo from a previous relationship that I was not able to find solace from, because we just could not be together. The love still lingered and remained, and I continued to question myself and wonder why? My heart received a jolt when I decided to attempt dating seriously not too long after my spilt, but I soon then found out that when my heart takes the driver’s seat and my logic takes a back seat the important in between information is over looked and once again I was placed in another situation. Realizing that it is better to not have fillers in the form of a sought after partner(s) and relationships; I soon ended what was best to not have taken off. The start of the year had it’s up and down moments, however, I never gave up on the idea of love and soon thereafter entered a love that I deemed mine and I was ready to take on, but unrealistic relationship goals and dreams found me falling once again into spilt paths of the mind and heart, and for this instance I found I was following my heart only. I allowed my heart to expand and close off all at once during this time, journaling many entries as to why our love didn’t grow and bloom and why you didn’t see anything further, connective and beyond with me. I hit my bottom, and that is where I found myself and answers to be revealed.
A battle of the will, word and most importantly my ego was the journey I charted. To be wanted and needed I assumed was to have the uttermost appeal and desire when seeking out a relationship, but I slowly am beginning to see and learn that desire can be valued outside of the physical and intimate level. You can have a desire for knowledge, passion and life and living it to the best of your ability and potential. What I am seeing in regards to my previous posts is the growth and alliance formed between my heart and mind. Asking myself the hardest questions and not making assumptions on the account of anyone. Making the attempts and strides to see something or someone through, but knowing when to let it go and move on forward. Making amends to see success in my failures and not be paralyzed by situations or anyone that is not in support of where my mind and heart are aligning to.
In two years I have declared my love and true affections. The battle remains a blaze within, but it’s an everyday battle worth fighting for.
So where I am at right now…….I am interested in knowing more about myself, wants and needs, I am also interested and willing to make time in my life for a partner that is accepting of the time and mutual interest. I laid down my heart Doctor Cap, Social Worker for life status and the ability to assess others and see them through their times of need. I need. I want. I deserve. I desire. I will experience. Making amends to chart these choppy waters of life and love, I now understand what the struggle and stress was for and where this journey has led and is leading me. I am the Captain of this Love Boat and I am currently accepting mutual and likeminded potential shipmates of interest.
So I set sail, and let the wind take me to where I need to be.
Lesson 100: Keep going
Each day I awake with a new found mission of interest to set out on. Although life has battled me down, I rolled right in the trenches with it! Each day is an adventure and path way to my treasured solace.