"What do you want to know about me".....Music to my starved ears

You ask for it and you shall receive it......Those are the words that are summing up my current situation. I asked for you to become a better man. I asked for you to take a chance and allow faith and feelings to grow and develop. I asked for you to take a chance on life, on me and on us. I also asked for you to leave my life. To allow me to grow and let everything that has developed and grown amongst us within the two years of knowing you. As hard as letting you go felt, I then began to understand what exactly I was needing and wanting besides you. So an ability to be able to maintain my personal strength and wants and desires has allowed me to be able to become your friend, and as your friend I was able to look more into myself and see where I have gone wrong, and how I was going to correct my slights, misconceptions and mold my future. I let you go, but now you want to come back in?

You was hurt. You was fucked over. Whomever you loved and liked, never loved and liked you back as you needed to have experienced in your life. Assuming you allowed someone in and they turned your world emotionally upside down. You pretty much was a solider avenging your pained heart. Healing and giving love and life that second chance was never in your category. You hurt, so you never wanted to feel again. You allowed "movements" or intimacy based relationships to occur, you attempted to be that filler man and tempoary person in someone else's life, and your attempts appeared to continue to satisfy your needs and years to come, but what now has you thinking and wanting to take that step into wanting to feel again? You looked at me honestly and openly and said "What do you want to know about me..."

The most intimate and passionate moment that I have awaited for in regards to my relationship and time with you has occurred. Now where does this lead me and where am I to go now? I found myself still replaying that night and your admission to me over and over, and hearing everything you were going through that has led you to now. So something has changed and occurred with you, and a an important moment in your life. Ageism is growth and maturity, and now I see you are starting to come to terms with your maturity and growth level, but I still have a sense of doubt and nervousness within me, but what I will admit is that moment when we spoke about our feelings and expectations and wants and needs, but then we became realistic with ourselves and the possible challenges. You stated a fear of yours was being able to stay committed and faithful within a relationship, and my response and answer is "we are adults, and if you feel the need to leave the relationship, or have feelings about wanting to see someone else I would value the communication and the ability to plan and prepare myself and my heart as best as I could".
My omission to the possible failure of the relationship soured me and allowed my nerves to begin to set in place, but the answer I know and must hold on to is to relax, release and explore the relationship and friendship and allow communication to remain key. So psyching myself out before anything actually has taken off is a failing mind from previous hurts and relationships, that no longer have value in my life. So I let it go.......I let all the pain and moments diminish away. All the insecurities that I may have felt, no longer served it's purpose with me any longer.

I turned to you and closed that gap in space that separated me from you. We touched hands and made eye contact and finally closed the space between us. I looked up to you and willingly, wantingly and freely sought your Lips to mine. The time off i have had from you allowed me to continue to build and believe in myself. I allowed my relationships wants to be placed first and never secondary. I was lost in the newness and found you.

So we begin and date and start getting under way with knowing each other........


Lesson Eighty Six: I turned to you.....

Although I have met and mingled with others, I remained in love and lust of another, I sought to discontinue our relationship and transition through and on......I still turned to you. From shutting you out to turning you down I still response and reacted to you. Im not holding on to negative thoughts, and given the second chance I am willing to make my most attempts at having the relationship I need and want.

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