Does my love for you not justify anything?

Time and time again I see myself swallowed into a ball of flames. You light my strings and watch me wither away in a redden cloud of pain. I continue to test and temp fate and faith, knowingly that the end is near. Never before have I placed myself out towards someone so many times. I thought I had enough strength and persistence to work myself through. I thought I could possibly mend my melted heart into something solid and consistent, but it appears not to be going as perfected and planned. You allow me to be intoxicated by your sex appeal. Your style and male donned out over all official state has captivated me. Your swagger and appeal is something to be reckoned with. Your glint in your eyes, and dimpled cheeks, to your masculine height and width and manly size. Just you and everything about you has continued to bring me to my knees. I sit down and think about all of my individual wants and needs that perhaps you will never satisfy. As temporary in your life you view me, I must deem you the same. I must simply enjoy the moments and live freely and vicariously through any and all who have ventured to pursue the road to nowhere.

I am saddened that I am taking this much time fixated and focused on someone who really could care less about my feelings. As expressive as I am, I have come to realize that nothing is perfect and guaranteed, and also, nothing is received without being acknowledged. So as I have given myself freely to you time and time again I have withered in such a state that I can no longer stand and receive anything from anyone else. I am lost, or so I assumed I was lost. My heart is making a sharp turn and grinding against unwanted feelings. It’s time for me to make choices and decisions and begin a regiment of healing. I cannot go all of my life wasting away in love for you. Did I say love? Yes I typed love. I care so deeply about you that a general paying attention and being interested in you developed into love. I grew more comfortable and confident around you and speaking to you. My heart continued beating faster and more consistent for you. Although my eyes have scanned the rooms and entertained a few, I continue to run back to you. My like turned into love, and wanting to know more just about you. You turned me away and allowed me to think otherwise, which is bringing me to this point of an unbalanced state. So here I go again releasing you, but not wanting to let you go. Where do I go from here? As I write this I am at a point in my life where everything is up in the air. My livelihood, love for all and life and everything in between is just not balanced enough. My wound is festering and poisoning my parts. I need help…..I need a resolution and it cannot possibly be you. I have involved myself in surface like relationships, and potential toxic ones too, but I easily closed the case and disappeared from all, but with you and for you I am here. Everything I desire about you is always going to stay with me. Although I release you from my life and soul and a part of me, I know you will always burn that flame for eternity within me…..stir as you may, I have to let it and you go. I love you.

Lesson Fifty Four: What lay ahead…….
Admittance and understanding of what just was said is the start of something new and creative and also healing as well, however, denial and continually attempting to close and just break away is no longer the resolve, answer or medicine. You’re my illness baby, and I am attempting to make you go away……I think I’m going to need rehab from your love. Let me go…..


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