Turning back the hands of time.....

Six years ago the woman who birthed and nurtured me, loved me unconditionally, struggled with her own personal dreams and wants which were always placed on the back burner, because those dreams and ideals weren’t primary. Her children were primary. Watching us grow up and take on the world placed before us is what kept her sane and afloat. She dreamed of many dreams, but what she wanted most importantly was her family to come together, grow together and live life together. There was a time whenever I was facing an issue or problem I wouldn’t even call my mother to discuss the issue over the phone, because that wouldn’t have sufficed. At the time I was living in Long Island City, Queens and it was a super long commute from Queens all the way out to Canarsie, Brooklyn, but I didn’t care I needed to talk to mommy and hear her words of wisdom. After walking into her apartment I would go directly to her bedroom and climb in her bed and just listen. I listened to the stillness of a late Brooklyn night, I listened to the low level volumes of the TV broadcasting mommy’s favorite show Gun Smoke. I listened to the sound of mommy’s oxygen machine as she self ministered a treatment for the evening. She was in a peaceful and resting state and I didn’t want to disturb her, but I needed her the most at that very moment, and through out all the things happening and going on physically, mentally, medically and spiritually with my mother, she set aside her issues and stirred from her routine and looked at me “Hey Cola, Stay the night”. …. The nickname given from childhood which remained in adulthood stayed with me and further reassured me into the calmness of the night. My worries withered away. I slept. Today is Mother’s day and I am troubled with my thoughts and emotions all at once. Mommy passed away five days before Mother’s day 6 years ago. During mother’s day week and weekend and during the week and day of my mother’s birthday I experience a major change in my personal mood and mindset. It feels as if I have no will to further explore the depth of my emotions because they run so deep during this time. Further I fall into the depths of my memories ocean. I truly miss her so much, and it hurts me to think of her still not being here, as if she passed just yesterday. My heart remains aching so. Sometimes we wish and wonder what would we say if the person you loved but lost was standing right before you. Sometimes one might say they would start off by saying how much their life has transitioned and changed without their significant other being there, or they would become angry with the instant departure of their significant other and read them the riot act and more, but I thought more clearly about this loaded question and I pulled the trigger……..If the woman who birthed me and unconditionally loved me through out the start of my life up until my 24th year she experienced of my life was standing right before me I would say “Stay. Please stay”. I would want to have her whole and healthy and happy once again. Sometimes I fantasize about this occurrence and click my heels and count till ten hoping a miracle of sorts would happen, but when I open my eyes and listen for the familiar sounds I am once again faced with the reality of my current existence which remains being without my mother. The women whom I gave hell as a teenager, the whom I declared irrational in her thoughts and no shape or form similar to my personality at all, but in the end I am my mothers child from sun up till sun down. I see more of my mother within me then ever before, and I hold tight to these memories and will never let them go.
So as other’s pay homage to their amazing mother’s and spend that quality and cherished times with them I remain in a saddened state forever. Gone but surely never forgotten. I will always love you!

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