I can't...I just...I can't..........

A stir of past and presents echo’s. I am drawn to you like a magnet, however, I am not as disillusioned as once assumed and at times once believed. I have no idea how you can be such a narcotic for me, when I don’t see you anymore. I long to get rid of your image and imprint on and inside of me, but I just can’t and don’t want to let go. Even though I am not a priority, I am not entirely forgotten to you. I have no idea in regards to relationships what is best expected first or second place to an almost mute figment of my romantic imagination?

Hormonal or plain horny?
The feelings of being caressed touched in all of your prone spots of instant arousal; to sloppy and sexy kisses to be taken and stolen. Sitting aside, on top, in front and next to you is all I think about. It’s gotten to the point of accidental celibacy. Accidental in regards to my sex drive being limited and even nonexistent. I personally deem myself a sexually inquisitive and rambunctious character at times, when engaged actively in a suiting relationship or actively pursuing or dating interests; I am more prone to a well kept and maintained sex life, but at this moment I decline even entertaining a night call. A night call consists of someone identified as you’re after hour lover, someone you can kiss and be passionate with, but only for the wee hours of the night. The experience never lingers into a second or third day, or should it go that route the experience is met by almost a binding verbal contract to keep the friendship and not allow emotions and feelings or expectations to overwhelm you. My after hour lover days appears to be dim. I did however, entertain a former after hour lover and friend, which resulted in a couch and movie night. The feelings of “turn me over and forget everything” came and gone as soon as they were felt and experienced. I again questioned myself and my motivations. Did I want to be turned out, bent down, legs around, face sweating, back grounding……..OH? It occurred to me then and there that I wanted more. I wanted more than a casual night fling, as consistent and at times reliable as it could have been I wanted more. I wanted you. I never stopped thinking of and about you. I wanted to smell inside your side, close to your neck and ear. Kiss your spoiled days cologne and love you. I wanted to you. So now I say to myself am I neglecting myself by holding out for what never might be or occur again? This has been the longest separation. This also has been the most pushed off, put off and just plain frustrating one ever experienced before, but why? Why do I care or subject myself to caring? These questions continue to echo in and out of my psyche each and every moment in passing……..

Lesson Forty Three: You are what you are player?
Natural occurrences, projected time frames, social standards and biologically and romantically speaking stopped clocks and all…….the time of casualness has taken a new moment of interest with me? Is it for me? Simply stated, but hardly seen through? Is it for me? Day in and out it’s a question that centers my mind. I alone appear to be the norm…..is it me? Embrace the unbalance. As weird as that may sound and seem, being unbalanced is what will get you through these moments. At times things are not to be corrected, for they are still in the process of starting. Patience, faith and focus.


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