Thoughts are to be expressed and carried out. Picture your thoughts as a dream catcher of sorts. Writing out what I think and am feeling at the time assists me with resolving an issue, or enabling myself to experience and express my thoughts in relation to what is going on in my life.
So he says......
It’s so difficult hearing someone tell you about yourself in
the most negative outlook. Sometimes we think that in everyone else’s eyes we
are amazing figures, and that whatever we failed to do and achieve in their own
individual eyes remains secondary and never important.
I had to hear someone out today. Stomach tossing and turning
with anxiety of the awaited ear lashing of what I assumed would be insufficient
bullshit. In actuality it was significant. It mattered, and I got a clear
picture of how I reacted and responded to this person.
Selfish, self centered and absorbed. Viewpoint and
interaction with him limited and one sided.
Spoken like a true champ!
Can we say deflated ego a bit? Was this how “he” viewed my
interactions with him? Ugh! So be it. I started to become upset and angry all
at once. When someone calls me out, or makes their best attempt at getting my
attention in regards to a response and reaction normally a finalized encounter
would occur, but this time I acknowledged the truth. My response was the
absolute acceptance of the reality of the situation.
I have wanted more from my sought after partner. Dreamed of
many interactions of the fairy tale and fuzzy endings. I never really looked at
all the aspects of relationships, the dual demands from two viewpoints. I
WANTED IT ALL and more, but going about it and being about it apparently are
two different experiences.
So where do I go from here? Finding so much wrong……
There are some who will fiend interest or perhaps display
genuine interest towards me in their most altruistic displays of wanting to
know me further, but yet physically they don’t appeal to me, mentally they
can’t even challenge me or give me the satisfaction of well prepared conversation.
Spiritually I am at lost, for my soul doesn’t connect to them at all, but with
you…I am settled and feel centered enough to find comfort in knowing this because
I fancy a new interest, extend myself emotionally in hopes
that physically and spiritually there will be a connection, but yet nothing
lasts longer then two weeks of intense conversation, but then like everything
else my carnal constant craving finds it way back to you. There is nothing that
doesn’t center without any given reason and thought around you.
I ask myself…in love there is doubt and grounds for mistake?
Why am I graced again with the burden of a troubled heart, indeed I love the
build up and the sweet moments in betwee…
Love has never given up entirely on me! I say that with
pride and with amazing hope in the face of my experiences past, present and the
unpredictable future. I have never felt so emotionally raw and interrupted as
never before, and oddly it’s the most freeing feeling experienced.
I am aware of my main involvement in regards to love within
my world, and absolutely becoming saturated in the mask of emotions that wax
and wane like the moon! However, knowing what the saturation level of love was
clocked at, I decided to take a step back and a stance when attracting newly
beckoned romance, or finishing out a sizzling love loss.
I can’t contend with the fact that sometimes love is not
concerned with the diminished relationship that was with my former significant
other. Love pretty much had left me with no notice and no expected return date.
I literally had to learn that closure is a blessing when allowed and received,
and it’s not necessarily determined during the initial separation…someti…
Timing is everything and this time I believe me and the universe is on schedule for a serious date with destiny!
A new year has rolled in and with a humbled and forgiving heart, I decided to simply let all those who don't belong in my life to simply exit with no explanation on their behalf or mine. I realized that I needed to cut the emotional attachment to my past love, and let go the blinding love I thought I was experiencing from a fleeting flame. My life could have been topsy turvy if I had chose to continue to hold out hope for my former love, or to erase out his memory with a uncharted relationship with someone from my past who instantly became a filler for the moment and the limited time our relationship lasted. It was as if I went from one wrecking pile into another, and the cycle of emotional torment and pain really needed to be silenced completely within myself. So I left it all and ended up putting my new year intentions into the universal pull of life and the existen…