Am I forcing myself to conform? I say that with such conviction because it sounds just about right. Currently, I am looking through the rose tinted lens and at no one in particular- Is it selfish to only want what you want, because every other possible outcome serves as limiting? I am stifled by conformation, and when I say conformation I make mention to say that everything that has limitations on it becomes stifling.
My zest for the journey when I search for that one true love continues to bubble to surface too much former residue. The residue that is attached to a healing hurt is the guilt feelings attached with the past. I look back and wonder what was it that allowed the relationship to sink below.
There are so many reasons, and factors in the previous relationships that listing them all would only reflect a one sided opinion. So I journey towards the continued development and nourishment of my own life. If emotions were food I literally would have eaten my fill several times over. I also noticed that my love for some has been with conditions, which has allowed me to pursue the relationships with a lessened need to further it outside of my very own expectations. It’s difficult to see yourself in such a light, but it also affords you the opportunity to see just who you have been, you currently are and where you are looking to further yourself at and in a particular area of your life.
I may write about my adventures and misadventures within the realms of love and life, but yet I am saddened by them when revisiting those experiences. Was I ever truly loved by my partner? Did I truly ever give my entire all, or was I continually limiting myself in each experience? I can only answer by saying that the emotions I register from general interest within a partner, physical appeal and attraction and mental stimulation has become the fore front in a lot of my decisions, but what I have countered and at times dismissed was my inner yearnings and gut instincts when I began to feel out the person. I literally had my answers available before me (Don’t go there…listen take your time, there is no rush…let it and him go), but yet I continued to push myself forward needing to make my best attempts at finding my true love, I didn’t want to miss any opportunity and wasn’t reflective in my choosing, which in essence stifled me. The more I saw with my very own two eyes was everything that a relationship I had envisioned wouldn’t exist in. The more upfront and stern I had become when addressing my needs, the more
I pushed them away. It has literally been a cycle of temporary success. So now, I see for myself that I have not entirely given up on the idea of finding the actively in love situation, because I like, I have liked and I have lusted for some. I have even expressed momentary love for the person, but I wasn’t deeply in the trenches in love, and so what is getting caught in my emotional drainage is that passing love.
Nothing to claim as my very own, and it’s within this battle I have come to accept the temporary as passing interest, but now I am wanting and needing so much more from an experience that it literally impaled my aching heart when I started to see just what I attracted is what I have become… The Journey Continues!