The Unthinkable: I'm losing Myself...

There are some who will fiend interest or perhaps display genuine interest towards me in their most altruistic displays of wanting to know me further, but yet physically they don’t appeal to me, mentally they can’t even challenge me or give me the satisfaction of well prepared conversation. Spiritually I am at lost, for my soul doesn’t connect to them at all, but with you…I am settled and feel centered enough to find comfort in knowing this because it’s you.

I fancy a new interest, extend myself emotionally in hopes that physically and spiritually there will be a connection, but yet nothing lasts longer then two weeks of intense conversation, but then like everything else my carnal constant craving finds it way back to you. There is nothing that doesn’t center without any given reason and thought around you.

I ask myself…in love there is doubt and grounds for mistake? Why am I graced again with the burden of a troubled heart, indeed I love the build up and the sweet moments in between when everything is flowing freely and with ease, but within every other given moment and life doubt being faced I am exposed. Why can’t this perfect life transition be as freeing as I anticipated?

Yet again, I am left to doubt and question what appears to be another dreaded love affair. I dread because I predict and allow my mind to capture moments in passing and project them to higher magnitudes. Let’s just say an active imagination is as explosive as a sleeping volcano, and with this being said my mind is erupting silently and awaiting the big one…and with these thoughts being pulled fourth I’m about to explode and no longer am I in control of my far too long suppressed emotions.

The reality of the matter is not only do I give you power over me, but I credit you with making me feel all types of emotions and in reality you don’t deserve the credit for my suffering, you deserve the credit for allowing me to develop these feelings immediately, however, I transferred them into a story I had created in my mind about you, a story my mind orchestrated on the belief that you are perfect in all aspects of your life and we would mutually balance one another, but within my perfecting your image I allowed my very own image of myself to falter and every chance I allowed myself to build up my image I tore it down in belief that I would never be enough for you, due to your limited engagement and commitment to me. I created this idea around me being the factoring problem, but yet I was enough I just simply chose to forget my commitments to myself and in knowing this as I interact with others in my whole attempts at redemption and getting that longed for love outside of self and experienced with a partner, I cringe.

The point of it all, I love you.


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