Silent all these Years...

My heart wasn't entirely present today. My mind was readily available, and it was determined to gather everything it had collected in it's defense. My mind was unsettled and not confidant in the few experiences that have guided it's present state. Unbeknown to what my lips would spill forth, the nervous tension and ambivalence in my stance became even more obvious. Yes, something was going to be told and it wasn't something that would crack smiles to ashen faces. It was neither something that would cause for celebration and admiration in ones inspiration. It was painful, it was difficult but yet it had to be done.

The build up was intense. The mindset was fixed and the heart was hiccuping perplexities. Angina attacks ensued...it appeared as if the room was spinning. Everything was unsettling. A thought, a reason as to why...just everything was unstable, but yet it had to be spoken.

I felt the most fearful feelings mixed with extreme let down and disappointment within self. I literally felt the nail going into the coffin, and yet I wondered if this is something I should simply tread on in thought only, or would I echo my sentiments in mixed passings...

I could no longer hold in the discomfort felt and the unanswered questions as to why this was occurring between us. Yes, life would simply be easy when you could really just point out someone to literally blame any and everything on, cry about it an transition on to fresh meadows and clear skies, but this situation and issues built upon issues was not like any other.

A difference of opinions and a difference in whose slights, anger, aggression and annoyance wielded the most woes this week. Everyday was a push and budge effect on a love stricken battle field, and it simply boiled down to...how are you really feeling? Yet I still attempted to blame and point and cry and argue, but to whose interest and whose happiness? Not I...

An interest bloomed. A wavering of emotionally interactions stormed unsure seas and lost. A battle of the mind and heart whose not working alongside one another will always spell trouble, and yes it was a battle of all the wills and wits and emotional fronts I lost to.

I am neither amazed or saddened.

I knew.

The UN-Conditional heart

When the stakes get high you are forced to dig deeper and go further within to pull yourself out of a love ridden war zone. When you begin to fear the walls of lust caving in on you, and the reality of what is to be phasing away, what are you left to do? Just recently I witnessed a side of myself that I haven’t touched upon in sometime. I was frustrated and stunted in regards to the recent happenings in my life. I was a volatile storm just brewing in the midst of my darkened days and endless nights. Fresh off disappointment, work related stress, dreams and the reality of some dreams appearing far-fetched I turned within and realized I was not alone. I was in a relationship. I signed on to this and I began to experience the hopes and dreams of new found passion and love. Everything was an open book including my life woes and problems, when they did not exist, but once they started to surface I immediately ran deeply within myself, wishing to ride this wave alone. I stand corrected…my lover turned to me and told me things about me I did not dare claim. My lover wished upon a need to want to understand and to know. He absolutely gave himself to me, in circumstances (the attitude, the mood swings) that weren’t exactly conducive to his survival. Everything halted and began to clean itself away, like the rain washed pavements. The night before never existed and the morning after wasn’t a predetermining factor in my afternoon. I slowly began to sense that it was all too heavy, and when I say “it” I am pointing all the fingers at me. I began to sense my life flotation devices no longer being effective in a singular mode, and that past behaviors and thoughts on saving myself were no longer sufficient. The time had arrived when I was to say…I’m not alone. I’m going through something, although experienced on my end it doesn’t take away from love and attention and understanding and support from him. I was never alone. I am not alone. The mood broke, the love spilled fourth. The tears of upset, embarrassment and misbehavior all wiped away. An unaltered, unconditional and new found understanding for one another surfaced.

He mattered

He is showing me things about my love I had no knowledge of. He is showing me things about my love I never dreamed about. He is showing me things about my love I could only experience with him.

I realized that within my vulnerability I saw a glimmer of my strength. I actualized a feeling that I assumed would be listlessly lost with my admission of longing for him. 

I longed for him like no other. I day dreamed about him and recalled an exquisite experience that bonded us together, although it has been a transitional struggle for my mind to finally allow him to seep in I welcomed him.

He is my lover and souls surrender. He is my guide and man of my dream. He is no longer a lettered fantasy, but everything I desire and more.

I sleep to dream for my lover meets me there!

It was all a Dream

I welcomed this month with a sense of unkempt reservations. I have not attained a sense of balance, and so far I have been off kilter and not centered as much. I could pin point particulars, but nothing to define these moments that have led up to my current state of moody contemplation! I like the way that sounds! Although nothing is set in stone and everything and everyone is subject to transitions and changes, it still remains an adjustment to be swallowed within. It can be troubling and mind consuming. The emotions associated with strife, best intentions and not knowing a possible outcome can be unsettling at best. Then again everything that’s unresolved and left to willow itself in the deadened air is not a comforting feeling. But as with everything lived it’s a learning experience and within my unease and discomfort I continue to smile, for the missed placed intimacy and mood breaking kisses, to the resolved issue that left me raw and uncomfortable, to then feel blanketed in love and understanding. It all makes senses when it’s experienced, even unsettling as it may be and seem. I fear not.

A riddled Moment

If memory serves us then so does reflective reminders that we are not prone from distance memories, and that we recall just about everything that has happened to us in an almost sparked revival of just a thought.

I have arrived at a life fixture when my memory serves as a lamp lighting my path ahead, but shielding me from what once stood before me. Although it's behind me, my ears are lightly enticed by previous pullings that stir each cell within my body.

A simple message can be received many ways, and can then form and retranslate into something else. I can not entirely dismiss all, and I can't not entirely deny previous, for in my denial comes my restraint and within my restraint comes my utter state of the unknown.

I question the parallel's within a vertical dimension I reside in. My up has become my laying stance, and my standing upright stance has become my crouching tiger.

I further challenge myself by simply stating it is my life and I am entitled to whatever experience I render, but in my quick judgement and passive behaviors who am I answering to?

So as sleep settles over my reddened eyes, I entertain you. I wish for a different response, I even contemplate taking a guilt trip down memory lane, but absolutely not; for in this newly introduced state of happening I have no control. I will not contour this experience to suit a judging other.

"I don't want brag, but I'll be the best you EVER HAD"

Then What???...No longer the Status Quo!

When you have fed your thirst and silenced the cravings, then what? When you have broken a kiss and turned away from the lips you had connected with, then what? When you have departed from the moment that once held you captive, then what?

Having experienced a lot of "Then What" moments in my lifetime, I haven't really thought about the moments after the disconnection. At one time I isolated my mind on only the time in between and none after. Time was of essence when it was experienced within that limiting moment.

Recently I had to tell myself that the "Then What" was simply a temporary fleeting feeling that would too pass, and when it passed I would be able to put in place moments in time that would matter the most to me, and so I have.

It's never too late to replace former experiences with enhancing experiences. For instance, the enjoyment of your lovers company should not only be limited to the time you spend together, but it should also include the time you are away from one another and the things you do to remind one another of your connection.

A former fear of mine, was being literally so isolated within my relationship that once the connective forces broke apart I would soon be easily thrown for a curve. The curve in the road would ignite feelings of boredom, indescive, a need for self freedom and an almost wanderlust attitude in regards to my relationship, but then I slowly learned to continue to enjoy self, develop patterns and yield to expectations shared and voice in unison. Inclusion over exclusion was my motto, and it's currently sustaining me.

So in my lover's absence I am not disconnected, but connected to the moment that continue to spotlight my day(s), and when we finally settle and meet it all simply works. So effortless and without thought is the shared emotions of two.

Last Night

I was swallowed into the depths of my emotions, by the passion of another; and just not any old passion, but the passion of a lover.

He is not just any old lover, but he is a lover of my mind's design. He is the lover who I will not object to. He is the lover my body and soul has beckoned to, on endless nights and throughout endless dreams I called to him and he has finally arrived.

The kissing and the caressing was never so deep, until he entered me our hearts molded and it became complete. A pack between just us two. Destined for more, as the sunset and the night skies settled between us; I lay in the middle of my bed looking up and exhaling a heartfelt thank you.

Thank you for sending me someone whose inclined to want to delve the depths of self with me. Thank you for allowing me to free my mind from the sorrows of bittersweet and transient moments that were all temporary in passing. 

As he deepened his connection to mine, I opened my eyes and allowed myself to see it all. His mouth to my breast, his movement inside me, his tender caresses on the side of me. My legs encircled his waist, my heart and his heart skipped several beats, but never missed a connective rhythm. Each hip thrust met with a moan. Each mouthed moan swallowed by a deepened kiss.

Having recorded the up and down's of my relationships, to then have a sense of grounded resolve when entering the dating phases of my life; I am presently Thankful! With each intricate and delicate detail I am sharing a piece of my memory, forever blazoned in a burgeoning heart. A memory of not letting my past become a predictor for me, and not allowing my future to continue to further itself on uncharted seas. 

I surrender.