The Biggest of All
Let’s just say that I continue to face my strongest muscle in my body. I always assumed that your heart was no match for the human mind, because the heart did not (self-assumption) coincide with the in’s and out’s and logistics of one’s day. Well I am proven wrong yet again, and this time I am amazed about my heart and the capacity of love, lust and lingered emotions it has maintained and held for so long. Just when I was beginning to think that I would never want to express or experience that ill-gotten love and loved like feeling; however, I have been making amends with myself. I have been allowing myself to reset my emotional clock, and heart clock and resume again, however, this time I am working in unison with my mind and body, but my hearts remains in constant charge of all situations.
So enters my heart, the undeniably loving and confused muscle. Well my heart has decided that I don’t want to risk my soul anymore. I am not willing to just deal and put up with anyone just because I may feel needy and a case of the lonely feelings. I have decided to individual review each and every feeling I am feeling in regards to a possible and potential partner. I also have come to terms with loving me, for who I am and not why and how I could improve because another being wanted, wants or needs me to transition. My heart has taught me a lot about myself, and although I have been kind and open to all I must start closing off the love doors. Exclusive feelings are wanted and ideally eager to be received. A shared loving connection, and not a one sided experience or a temperamental affair of the hearts no one wants to remember remains a definite no need to revisit. Who is my heart, and what the hell do she think she is doing with my mind??? Convincing me that being honest and true with my feelings and emotions is the key to my emotional onslaught. Convincing me that it’s okay to be single and actively dating, and that you don’t fall in love in one day, two, days or three years. It’s a gradual experience with a definite visible build up stage. My stance remained definite to development, but now I am leaning towards patience, consistent behavior and a justifiable need and means for wanting to experience and explore my life with you.
So as my eyes begin to open each and every waking moment of the day, I am defining myself and my individual needs and how it relates to my love life past, present and future. In the past I did not know entirely why I felt feelings for previous lovers and partners in my life. I normally just went with the adage “He made me feel”, not knowing that I made myself feel, but he provided the stimulate to a part of my emotional tree. Not knowing that I was more eager to look for acceptant behavior and responses, and not create and seek out my own. Presently I have created turmoil in my emotional love life. I have not drawn the appropriate life lines, and drawn barriers that hold up like markings in the water washed sands. I am seeing now my failures and almost am drawn to a sense of sadness and missed linkages and years gone by, but I am given a sense of hope and promise that everything will be ok, and that each struggle and failure and loss occurred in order for me to be at my now……..
At this moment I am actively pursuing my individual goals and needs and addressing some concerns and doubts I faced head on. My fear no longer propels me backwards and away from the spotlight. I am facing my fears one by one and head on, with guidance and faith that everything will be ok. So healthy, positive relationships are what I seek to delve into. I am looking forward to successful and heart clinching experiences, but I am creating them on my own as well. Not looking for someone to bring it out of me, but Looking for someone to continue to complimenting me. That is the major adjustment and difference. Respecting my passions and powers and my ability to transcend into the realms with no fear and no doubt.
So where am I now? Learning…..detoxifying and continuing to request knowledge into my future. As each day continues on I am learning. I am no longer shutting down my individual needs and wants, and no longer assuming a role. I am living and in the moment. Although we live to die, we forget the in between.