Alert and Voluntarily Present....

There are so many signs and symbols someone can give, show or even dish out to you. Have you been paying attention? Minding the matters of what exactly that someone is attempting to tell you? Have you awaited nestled in the corner for the smoke signal and signs detailing just what you have hoped and planned for all along??? I can say that I have experienced the paralysis of waiting for a response, that I assumed I already knew the answer for, however, YOU didn't know I knew, so I patiently sat back and waited, and as time elapsed so did my recognition of my self, my desire and passions were placed on hold, my desires to move forward and continue to live life accordingly and trust that everything will happen for a reason if it is to occur...that reasoning and mindset never occured. What evolved was an emotionally challenged me. A female vulnerable to each and every move you made. I felt you linger and stay, and like the Fisheman, you threw your strings out to me, trapping me in your stance for as long as I could hang on and wait. Slowly losing sight of self, sight of mind and personal passions, my life light began to fade......So enters my now.


I suppose we have put out feelers for each others individual needs, and we have cast aside what we really felt and want in life in hopes of not giving off that impression of "Hey, I enjoy being needed and wanted, and at this very moment I am desiring a serious relationship." Help wanted! Fear of rejection, and also, up and down's of the daily aspects of the dating and relating realm have conjured up so many thoughts about rejections, feelings of rejections before the rejection occurs, and how to pretend we wasnt rejected, by acting like we aren't expecting anything.....so the statue frame and mindset starts seeping into the daily aspects and lives of all. My interactions with you were emotionally driven, but they remained dormant. I started feeling that connection with you, but chose to deny and pretend that everything would eventually fall back into place. I even written and wrote the negatives aspects, and spoke of the negative aspects as a potentially calming self effect to evade from feeling what I have longed to feel.

A sense and point of denial, is a lifetime of misery, horried learned lessons and too many days of being in a confused and fuddled state. I let a year go by when I deny it and you. I let the following year go by when I loved and embraced you, but I continued to attempt to not chase the fact that we mattered. We needed to talk and address the situation, and also, we needed to verify just exactly where I lives were headed, if they were headed somewhere.....The truth has set many free. My truth, my heart and my love and passions can not continue to be put aside and not address. Beit for good or for bad I started being honest with myself. I am seeing change.

So this long winded wording of sorts has gotten me to think that you have denied me entrance into your heart and mind, simply because you could. However, the little life attributes are started to get to you, and I am becoming something symbolic and of meaning to you. Do I dare suggest that you have feelings deeper than before?

Lesson Eighty Three: The Clutter Effect

I am starting to clean out my life dressers. I am starting to open all the closets and launder all the clothing items that held stains of past loves, hopes and desires written all across. I have forgiven people in my past, and myself for holding onto simple nothings. It has always been easier to let go on a negative ending, however, peacefully resloving to not retain the relationship appears to have caused many slights and hardships, however, I will continue to disslove unecessary baggage and happenings in my life, because I feel free. Free to explore, live and carry right along.

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