Honestly Speaking...

So I wait all of this time to absolutely become swallowed within myself and fear the developing of another's touch, taste and embrace and shared life experiences with me. I allow life to coincide with my individual needs and wants, but then when life presents a want and a need I have desired after and for, I become lost for words and have a hard time swallowing. My throat aches from the pull of what I know I should be saying, but I don't. I instantly become an active listener and I tune into you, but tune myself out. How do I begin again? Better yet, how do I allow myself to remain in a calm and not so much fixed state? Your responses are not what I am to expect. My reaction towards you are not to be forced. The flowing force of nature and pure life chemistry can not be tested, and I wont tamper with it. I have no doubts and I have no fear. Normalcy resumes I begin to breathe again. my once dry mouth is moistened and my former fears kindly separate from me. Suddenly I am faced with the reality of possibly more. How do I go about recieving him? I can not overwhelm my mind with that thought of what possibly could happen between us. Nothing has even started, but my mind is playing a game of Life...All I know is that feelings of doubt begins to creep in, and I visit all my faults and thoughts in question in regards to a relationship. I literally psych myself out, but this time I don't want to fear it or the start of it. I want to embrace it and allow it to bloom. I don't want to rush it, for whenever I rush no needs get met, only the basic ones and those needs are so limiting. So within this mood swing of sorts, I can honestly say I have checked myself back into normalcy and I await to experience you.

The heart speaks

Whatever it takes to sustain yourself and your specific interest in someone you will continue to do any and everything to maintain your courtship. In depth and in knowing someone so deeply the intimacy can never be denied. There is nothing that we wont do in the name of knowing...

My weekend consisted of a series of intimate thoughts, and not just simplistic wants and needs and desires that could be met; but they consisted of learning to be vulnerable, and no longer battling with WORDs and their individual meanings and impressions within my life. I have learned that being vulnerable doesn't make me weak. Being vulnerable does not allow me to see myself as a secondary option within someone else's life, because I am fearful of letting them go. Being vulnerable does not cloud my judgement or glaze my eyes.

Being Vulnerable allows me to explore the depths of my emotions without feeling as if they will be a burden to another if recognized and asked about them. Being vulnerable allows me to exist within myself comfortably so, allowing me to be.

I embraced this word and it no longer holds me hostage within my thoughts. A breaking of a self silence of so many years of holding back and holding a lot within. To maintain an exterior of a warrior for so long has not allowed any emotional energy to seep in, but ever so often the rains (life tears) continue to create a rust and dents within my armor. My shield and guards have dampened and I am simply left openly and willingly so, but within the disappearance of my wall there is no weakness...

I can be at one within myself

I can openly explore the world before me

I can be vulnerable with NO FEAR

I was humbled

When you think about everything that could possibly go wrong in your life, you become your own worst critic. What was an experience that went terribly wrong becomes an experience that increases in it's pain levels. Each increment of hurt and anguish and "what if" brings you literally to your knees. Your complexion has paled in comparison to it's once sun kissed perfection. To expect the worst is your new norm. Can I tell you that this story has literally defined my life? I have become so engrossed in the possibility of not being able to transcend these tempoary and fleeting moments which are to be expected; to then look further and dig deeper within my heart of all hearts. This story begins with everything happening as expected and then gradually me losing my footing and floating aimlessly to an undefined life line. Pain becomes happiness and being down and deeply indifferent to a sense of change and to challenge oneself to push just a little further remains lost within the original idea of happiness. What humbled me was the innocence of a child, and not just any child, but an individual so dear to me and close to me that our shared blood pulsates through our veins. She is a beautiful being, who is developing into a beautiful soul and young woman. In her life's eye she has been through so much then I have dared to dream and have experienced. She has braved surgeries and continued to dare to dream and live her life like no other. Whenever I was feeling down and doubt about thing I turned to her experience to allow myself to know that whatever fleeting hurtful moment I assumed would be the ending of my world, was only passing and tempoary, and that life had far more hurtles and challenges then the small ones I had deemed battles. I was humbled by her resiliance and acceptance in the role her spirit would play in her life. Just looking into her eyes I saw she was tired, and continuing to heal from her most recent surgery, but she remained steadfast and abreast about the life happenings involving us all. Her gift to dream and divine retreat into the unknown and life's order silenced me. Before I laid down to sleep, I cried deeply. I cried not because I was sad for her or I felt she was any different than anyone else I have known; I cried because of her utter ability to continue to live life accordingly throughout her medical up's and down's. I cried in the strength of her beauty and I felt rejuvenated. I basked in a beauty. I basked in the innocence of youth. I was humbled and looked at everything that happened and occurred to me, towards me and within me as a fleeting and passing moment. There is more to life then what meets our humanistic eyes, and the will to surpass even our very own limitations humbled me. I thank her. I love her.

Life Residuals

I awoke thinking perhaps I should dive right into love. I should simply take my cares to the world and shower myself with limitless love. Glistening passions and intensified moments that all comply into one identifiable experience. I shouldn't overwhelm myself with what could be, I should simply allow what will be to occur. As a constant thinker it becomes increasingly hard to just relax my mind and allow my body to naturally be led towards YOU. There are definite stops along my way of finding YOU, and there are definite pauses in discovering these renewed feelings within me. I can define these feelings and apply them to a thought set and life mode or perhaps even pattern, but I don't want to. I don't want to know...I don't want to think any additionally or further... After all of these years of writing my relationships out I have yet wrote an entry that absolutely showed my reslove with wanting to allow life to simply exist as is with no excuses and exceptions or the dreaded pull of self created pressures. The pressures in life that we create in order to flow effortlessly through these assumed "problems" only create more restrictions and issues, so with that being said I have lifted the veil that constricts me... When speaking to a great friend, she tired of the walls we create as women in regards to meeting new interests. In courtship, everything previously experienced no longer holds our interest or create residuals in our life. The ability to move forward and think new thoughts. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE EXPERIENCE

What Moves ME

A direct stare into my eyes. Reassurance that although our day was long, our night will be even longer. A kiss and caress And being held tightly into your arms as i open my neck to your lips invitations. My neck will forever be your lips place holder, designed to nestle and cradle only you. A quick meal and a shared evening drink or two. The sweetness to bitter mix of wine on our tangled tongues entices even the loneliest of eyes. Our stumbling in between our clumsy hands pulling and tugging our work days clothes away...rushing to the spilling sounds of a delicious waterfall within our bathroom. We channel our travels to Jamaica and Belize and trace back each intricate detail of our well travelled bodies.

The bathroom is filled with floral and almost candy cotton like smells, we pat dry one another and run into our cooled room. The covers smother us as we rest deeply in the middle of our bed, finding grace within our very own bodies. 

What was once dripping wet has

become a cooled dry. You lotion me, and I kiss and lotion you. We lay on one another absolutely still and drawing in on that connective force that has kept us...

You place me to your side and delve into the folds of my world. My head lays back and my eyes close...

Love Battled.

Guarding your emotions for just so long can finally cloak the soul, but when the soul no longers needs covering and when the body and heart want to be revealed how does one respond?

I absolutely was looking forward to this moment. I was simply giddy and excited and wanted it to occur more than anything. I paced arond work and made several circles around myself with excitement. I absolutely wanted more than anything for this moment to occur without any issues or problems, but as with life and planning things out in general nothing can be expected or guaranteed.

In so, my moment of contentment and peace was transformed into utter confusion and chaos. All types of thoughts began to shade my clear logic and mind. I began to pace back and fourth and wonder was it something I had said? Could it have been an accident or something ill occuring that separated him from me for that moment? Everything appeared to be going well just a few days ago, but now it simply appears that he has slipped from my heart's grip. That instant sensation when one can confuse lust with the promise of love. That sensation when I could absolutely bask in his masculine security, knowing that everything would be ok.

In under 48 hours I literally held on to each emotion and moment hoping and dreaming that it wasn't true, and that all would be well and mend well. I then began to question the relationship experience entirely again, and wondered loudly why would I want to involve myself in yet another heartache guaranteed moment, but when he responded it's like everything dissloved into nothingness.

I was pleased to have heard from him, I felt a lot more relief than ever. An overactive and creative mind can definitely do a lot to your brain imagery and down time thoughts. So, where do I go from here? I continue to let my guard down and envision myself in productive experiences and relationships, but yet everything continues to appear as so...not working out. So where do I go from here I ask once more?

How many times can one restart their system and build there tolerance for survival in a battle of love...

If only...

There is a space that exist between only you and yourself. Within this space I can not receive you. You will not move forward or backwards within this space, but remain implanted in the middle of your existence. I can continue to dream about just exactly who you are and will be, but the memory will never remain. 

I stumble on doubt and misconceptions, years of misdirection and no communication...but within this space within would all the doubt end?

No longer troubled about digging deep within your existence and finally finding peace within your space. 

I exist. You exist. We remain...