I have Arrived: Love Lives Here!

Love has never given up entirely on me! I say that with pride and with amazing hope in the face of my experiences past, present and the unpredictable future. I have never felt so emotionally raw and interrupted as never before, and oddly it’s the most freeing feeling experienced.

I am aware of my main involvement in regards to love within my world, and absolutely becoming saturated in the mask of emotions that wax and wane like the moon! However, knowing what the saturation level of love was clocked at, I decided to take a step back and a stance when attracting newly beckoned romance, or finishing out a sizzling love loss.

I can’t contend with the fact that sometimes love is not concerned with the diminished relationship that was with my former significant other. Love pretty much had left me with no notice and no expected return date. I literally had to learn that closure is a blessing when allowed and received, and it’s not necessarily determined during the initial separation…sometimes closure will not be given, but life and love must continue undoubtedly and with the spunk to absolutely rue no day, but continue to march right on along.

I said goodbye to a distant memory, a toxic and negative being that at one time meant the absolute world to me, but at this time his essence is dead to me. There is no reentry into the windows of my soul when you shut me entirely out. Not giving the individual the ability to choose to stay or go was taken from me, and as you removed my rights to continue our love, so was the rights removed for you to ever get the lost love back, and so I removed myself from a connection so deep it literally beheaded me.

This time I have before me is for the taking. I am not sitting comfortably and simply waiting anymore. I have found the rhythm in love with life, and the ability to enjoy each and every waking moment. I must remind myself of the amazing dreams I have allowed to accept into my fate. Everything that I want and desire has never been forsaken, and just like with love from significant others in passing and unpredicted love in the near future, it will always remain supreme and free. Anything fleeting and not able to sustain the intensity of a true love…walk on by!

Life and the heart of it all: She rises

Timing is everything and this time I believe me and the universe is on schedule for a serious date with destiny! 

A new year has rolled in and with a humbled and forgiving heart, I decided to simply let all those who don't belong in my life to simply exit with no explanation on their behalf or mine. I realized that I needed to cut the emotional attachment to my past love, and let go the blinding love I thought I was experiencing from a fleeting flame. My life could have been topsy turvy if I had chose to continue to hold out hope for my former love, or to erase out his memory with a uncharted relationship with someone from my past who instantly became a filler for the moment and the limited time our relationship lasted. It was as if I went from one wrecking pile into another, and the cycle of emotional torment and pain really needed to be silenced completely within myself. So I left it all and ended up putting my new year intentions into the universal pull of life and the existence of forgive, forget and release yourself!

I waiver on being entirely emotionally inclined and interested in others, because at this point I simply did not want to waste my time, invest my energy and commit to another headache of a lifetime movie waiting to roll out for a new season and life cycle, but all in all I trust my instincts and know that things happen and doesn't discourage me from experiencing the best relationship yet, and a relationship that I am well deserving of. It's easier for me to harp on the emotional pains in life, disappointments with love and failed attachments rather than bask in the bliss of a momentous exploration of two individuals who have arrived on the same plain of love, life and happiness. 

Genuine Beauty and belief in the existence of thereafter

So just as I was temporarily  exhausted from the idea of going back into the world of dating and relating, life happens to me once again, and oddly this time I am not pushing to understand how and why life happened, but I am trusting the guttural draw of serendipity and universal intervention and the pull to experience this life in full bloom. 

After my mind literally freed itself from one connective force, and peeled away the layers of scar tissue from a fleeting love I literally didn't see myself wanting to expose my healing heart to another, but as life would have it my heart began blooming for another openly, but with ease and a cleaned slate, and so I allow potential to rise and the possibility of a shared romantic interest to grow. 

He presented himself to me as open as possible, his timing seemed to befit my very on departure from expectations and an assortment of doubts within life and love. Oddly enough prior to our interactions he had crossed my mind. I thought of him, and how was he doing and what was he doing, and just as brief as the thought was it came back and into full swing, but this time we were interacting and allowing the flow of a naturally orchestrated conversation to develop, and the possibility of potential to build. 

So in doubt I wavered, I even stumbled backwards and went with what I knew, but I knew I had to clean the slate and this time for good.

Just as the start of the year began, so many challenges and transitions all started to kick into place, and with that inner strength, faith and determination to want more for myself slowly reminded me of the many times I had the "ugly cry" survived the day and was my own damn heroine. So in the midst of change I am beyond prepared, and I absolutely know what's in the best interest of my heart, body and soul and universal pull to simply love!

Serendipity, 17 

My testament to S.E.L.F.

Reactive?


I was looking for a piece of that "relationship pie" or perhaps a slice of a small reality of a shared experience with a lover that would last no longer than a few hours, and slowly mean less and less to one another as the night transitioned into a twilight and the morning rise.

As I slowly made my connect with a warm body, I started to see my descent and as high as I had risen during the day I was slowly on my way to a pool of nothingness. The more the time ticked away and my preparation for the expected evening rendezvous was upon me, I started to become distracted and disoriented in a sense. I started to not think about the encounter as a distractor, or mood booster or an immediate injection into the realms of skipping to work the following day and silently regretting an impulsive moment that a AA battery operated adult toy device could have handled in less than 10 seconds.

Rawness?

My truth...old patterns and behaviors has cast not only shadows upon me, but predictable routine too, and just when I was embracing celibacy, and cutting former actively in love flames off for good within the sense of emotional, physical and mental stimulation; the inertia popped up within me and it was literally kicking my ass with pangs of needing to be physically desired by another to the point of unbeknown fantasies playing back and fourth throughout my mind.

Clarity?

Well single life isn't entirely dull, the perks of being single revolve around the ability to relax and let loose and not be tied, compared, prompted, pressed, pushed, challenged and changed to be considered anything outside of yourself, and when that clarity is experienced in a sense life begins to freely show you her worth and willingness to be at peace, but when the carnal desire to be kissed, touched and intimately handled, well that is another beast that can literally take over your self created bubbled world in a matter of milliseconds unless it's under control.

y tu?

So in preparation for a guaranteed misstep in my personal life I was reclaiming back from soured and lost love..I almost belly flopped into it, but my plans fell through, because my lover fell through and although I was disappointed at first I took it as a sign that it is my spiritual intention to not simply settle with anyone, and to truly explore, exhaust, rediscover, learn and leave love and get it right back again in a matter of interconnected and interpersonal relationships, which are built on actively listening, and believing in a dual relationship and a commitment to have an independent and interdependent relationship.

So I leave you with this powerful statement that answered why I almost chose to jump this insatiable bridge..."EVERY CHOICE YOU MAKE IS EITHER AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE, OR AN EXPRESSION OF FEAR. THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE!" A Course In Miracles

I almost chose my lover out of a fear...of being alone, undesired and needing to be needed even in a mere moment..it was not an expression of love and so I stopped myself and went to bed.

A letter to the Universe: Cupid's Pull

A letter to a lover is a letter that is lasting of a lifetime. A letter to a lover is representative of emotions that are captured on a sheet of paper and mailed off into the emotional wind of receive or release it. 

Out of habit to develop a healthier release and recognition of relationships, I have decided to write a letter to an unknown lover whom I have no idea where they reside at, or their name, or what they like to do for fun or entirely despise. I am trusting in the universal pull of life and all the connective ties the spirits have with one another, be it living or unknown. 

It's within the unknown that we have it all figured out even when we aren't entirely part of the planning process, but we are walking in the path with trust that it will all get best and better with the simple ability to believe.

It's a little unnerving to throw life to the wind, and having been so structured and routine about how my experiences are to occur, but at this very moment I am willing to become an unspoken and walk within the deepest patterns and paths of life.

I send my letter to the one who awaits.

Sail away, Sail away, Sail away...

Earth to Self: Pick Me, Choose Me...

I took my form of release and a means of communicating to a higher level with an ex. Instead of the lengthy emails, or the text messages with an emotional parallel that resembles mixed messages and a communication break…I realized that what’s better said is always experienced in person, and even though the opportunity for us to meet did not present itself I created one.

The funny thing about recording yourself you are no longer concerned with how you are seen, but how the message is received. I literally watched myself record my longing to be with a lost love, or need to have some sort of reconciliation that would make everything we haven’t experienced mean something, or to resolve to fill in all the holes of the relationship and make it whole once again. There was no moving forward or even a since that this would mean anything even further. The time from sent to receive was like awaiting a meteor impact. I was in limbo and awaiting either paradise in a response or slowly transitioning to Dante himself and writing about the inferno I was living in, but the melodramatics canceled and I slowly began to realize I have gifted myself with something I had been awaiting and something I wasn’t going to receive from him and that was closure.

My means of recreating a since of connection, was also a means at closing this chapter. I then realized that if I would have thought a little more about it, I probably would have found a way to talk myself out of sending the video, so I didn’t think about it. I simply sent it with my best intentions and thoughts, and no regards for the after effects of the video once I realized what a prize inner peace can become when it’s won!

I no longer battled with awaiting his response, or engaging in the back and forth about deciphering the meaning of our conversations even more. Nope…I simply awoke briefly after a nap and deleted the message, and I didn’t have the urge to send him a message as to what was his response was? I allowed myself to freely trickle away and allow the cool morning air to greet me from my sleep. My day started with faith in my ability to move forward, and when moving forward there could be absolutely no doubt that there was meaning in his arrival and departure from my life, and whatever meaning it became for me, I had finally drawn the line in the sand and allowed myself to simply let it be, let it go and learn from the experience and life lesson. To continue to torture myself heart with creeping of sadness, lucid dreams of longing for him and wanting to have a definitive answer as to our demise…well there sometimes would be occasions when the best response was no response.

The quality of my love ships must be magnified by my ability to want more from myself, my overall life experience and to believe that I can and will achieve the desired effects from effective communication, patience, passion, understanding, emotional intelligence, a genuine need to truly understand ones plight in life and the willingness to partner with another through good times and stressful times, respect, honor and most importantly and unconditional and unconventional kind of love.

Until this experience is honored I will no longer accept just anything and anyone.

I’m so grateful.

I feel...I think...I live.

Everyday is a moment to amend an error, salve the battered ego and bruised soul and dare to believe that a new day holds the answers to a forgotten yesterday and the promise of the unknown tomorrow.

I have hope...

Love comes and goes from it's highest peak to then soar at it's lowest low in the imagined emotional slights our dented ego's bring into view whenever we are at a loss for words and dealing with a ruffled heart.

I dare to dream...

Each time I look into the new few moments of an undefined time, I slowly unwind my emotional needs on making an outcome occur and allow myself to simply exist and roll within the seconds that turn into minutes.

I would like to look back, but I wont stay there...

I dreamed of him, and in my dream we were experiencing the day as if it was routine. I imagined the what if's of an unknown relationship that was barely defined and mostly imagined on both my part and his part, but yet again I unraveled my souls toes from the sand like memory and slowly started to pull away. I have learned that memories are teaching tools, meant to flash before my eyes with no attempts at remaining in my mind and a stain on my heart...I let it go.

I find strength in the ability to simply allow him to exist...

He will never be a distant dream of mine. I realized that I only show him part of me, because half of me feels safe being one foot in, and the other half of me is ready to run all the way out. Partially scathed and bathed by the disappointment and heart burns of a love struck being; but yet I want to go entirely head first in with a sloppy nose dive that sends the water and foam of the pool in all directions upon my entry. I am allowing him to matter and become more of a need rather than want...and my fear slowly subsides.

Yoga is allowing me to see the deeper picture...

With each move I mold within the mat into an insurmountable mountain.

Making The Best of It: The Point of it all

Within transitional phases you deal with an assortment of different relationships, and within each relationship you begin to realize the different mannerisms that you accustom yourself to. Nothing will ever be the same once a change has taken place, and it’s about learning how to deal with the noticeable change and prepare yourself to go further in life. It’s within the discomfort that you find strength, and within your strength you find solace and within the quiet time your mind is destined to expand just a little more, and so I have reached another pivotal point within my journey. I disregarded what I could have done to respond with what I was feeling should have been done and if I am at fault for responding intuitively I will take oneness for it, but I will not say I would take it back. This is just another phase in my life where I am forced to choose between comforts or discomfort and I trust my instincts and my life objectives and reasoning’s as to why…

I would go on past behaviors and thoughts associated with these previous experiences to presently come to a point where I would be able to make a faux assumption of an experience. This learned behavior has become my synopsis of sorts. I have gathered enough information based on experience to know that well life is whatever you make it, and there is so much more life to live and experience.

Each day I come home after a busy day of work and I try not to forget the way the world is swaying, and although I swayed with the world many of times, I can’t help but wonder about this last sway with the world my body has decided to think against. I no longer want to ease within the waves of life, I want to create a ripple of defined passion that propels me forward as never before. I want to create a burst of energy within my heart and world that has never before been experienced by me before.

So as my body eases into warrior 1 and then transitions into warrior 2 to then focus on centering my mind and heart on lowering my body onto my mat I then cleanse my soul and heart of angered moments and conflicting times within. I have decided that times may be rough but they are times I am creating on a daily basis and living with a new found inner ease within the universal pull un-compromised

I trust in the best-kept secret of the unknown and my faith lies in the ability to believe.

I am moved.

                                                                   I am unmoved.