A riddled Moment

If memory serves us then so does reflective reminders that we are not prone from distance memories, and that we recall just about everything that has happened to us in an almost sparked revival of just a thought.

I have arrived at a life fixture when my memory serves as a lamp lighting my path ahead, but shielding me from what once stood before me. Although it's behind me, my ears are lightly enticed by previous pullings that stir each cell within my body.

A simple message can be received many ways, and can then form and retranslate into something else. I can not entirely dismiss all, and I can't not entirely deny previous, for in my denial comes my restraint and within my restraint comes my utter state of the unknown.

I question the parallel's within a vertical dimension I reside in. My up has become my laying stance, and my standing upright stance has become my crouching tiger.

I further challenge myself by simply stating it is my life and I am entitled to whatever experience I render, but in my quick judgement and passive behaviors who am I answering to?

So as sleep settles over my reddened eyes, I entertain you. I wish for a different response, I even contemplate taking a guilt trip down memory lane, but absolutely not; for in this newly introduced state of happening I have no control. I will not contour this experience to suit a judging other.

"I don't want brag, but I'll be the best you EVER HAD"

Then What???...No longer the Status Quo!

When you have fed your thirst and silenced the cravings, then what? When you have broken a kiss and turned away from the lips you had connected with, then what? When you have departed from the moment that once held you captive, then what?

Having experienced a lot of "Then What" moments in my lifetime, I haven't really thought about the moments after the disconnection. At one time I isolated my mind on only the time in between and none after. Time was of essence when it was experienced within that limiting moment.

Recently I had to tell myself that the "Then What" was simply a temporary fleeting feeling that would too pass, and when it passed I would be able to put in place moments in time that would matter the most to me, and so I have.

It's never too late to replace former experiences with enhancing experiences. For instance, the enjoyment of your lovers company should not only be limited to the time you spend together, but it should also include the time you are away from one another and the things you do to remind one another of your connection.

A former fear of mine, was being literally so isolated within my relationship that once the connective forces broke apart I would soon be easily thrown for a curve. The curve in the road would ignite feelings of boredom, indescive, a need for self freedom and an almost wanderlust attitude in regards to my relationship, but then I slowly learned to continue to enjoy self, develop patterns and yield to expectations shared and voice in unison. Inclusion over exclusion was my motto, and it's currently sustaining me.

So in my lover's absence I am not disconnected, but connected to the moment that continue to spotlight my day(s), and when we finally settle and meet it all simply works. So effortless and without thought is the shared emotions of two.

Last Night

I was swallowed into the depths of my emotions, by the passion of another; and just not any old passion, but the passion of a lover.

He is not just any old lover, but he is a lover of my mind's design. He is the lover who I will not object to. He is the lover my body and soul has beckoned to, on endless nights and throughout endless dreams I called to him and he has finally arrived.

The kissing and the caressing was never so deep, until he entered me our hearts molded and it became complete. A pack between just us two. Destined for more, as the sunset and the night skies settled between us; I lay in the middle of my bed looking up and exhaling a heartfelt thank you.

Thank you for sending me someone whose inclined to want to delve the depths of self with me. Thank you for allowing me to free my mind from the sorrows of bittersweet and transient moments that were all temporary in passing. 

As he deepened his connection to mine, I opened my eyes and allowed myself to see it all. His mouth to my breast, his movement inside me, his tender caresses on the side of me. My legs encircled his waist, my heart and his heart skipped several beats, but never missed a connective rhythm. Each hip thrust met with a moan. Each mouthed moan swallowed by a deepened kiss.

Having recorded the up and down's of my relationships, to then have a sense of grounded resolve when entering the dating phases of my life; I am presently Thankful! With each intricate and delicate detail I am sharing a piece of my memory, forever blazoned in a burgeoning heart. A memory of not letting my past become a predictor for me, and not allowing my future to continue to further itself on uncharted seas. 

I surrender. 

Comfort Zone

A balance of energy will allow you to settle. The feeling of being a mixed bowl of uncontrollable emotions can get to you, but what allows you to be calm and absolutely in a relaxed and restive state is adhering to your inner self. When you realize that a rush for answers in demanding tones and in an uncharacterirstically way isn't what's needed, then you are left to once again tackle this situation. If I couldn't reslove your slight or hurt I would wonder If I couldn't discern between what was making you upset or bothered in a way I would wonder If I couldn't hear an answer as to why you are experiencing and going through some things then I would still wonder It's in the not knowing that gets me. When its noticable and reflective it becomes stifiling. At times you simply just want the person to blirt everything out, but then again you are being validated and acknowledge, what about their impending issue? A learning lesson towards myself is within allowing the depths of silence and wonderment to run hand in hand, and not worrying about whether I could or can make you happy once again, but my focus would be on detachment and non personlization. Yes it can be difficult to take yourself from out of the situation and simply wait a response, or gradually allow the individual in question to come around to you when ready. What I am learning once again is that not everything requires an answer. Not every slight is meant to deeply sink within the depths of your soul, so as to drown you within someone else's sorrow. It's an emotion, and it will soon pass, but being a solid figure and listening ear is always needed. Sigh

It's within the CHEMISTRY that we question it ALL.

Chemistry can be a connecting factor and a force to reckon with. Chemistry can also be a determining factor in regards to the next steps you wish to pursue with your selected lover. I have found that with my previous to present relationships chemistry has been a major factor resulting in several outcomes. Some of the outcomes resulted in shorter relationships, and other outcomes resulted in the string along effect. This effect occurs when there is no clear concise guidelines and sense of direction within your relationship. At times the string along affect went hand and hand with chemistry, because there was only that slight pull that kept the relationship current and existent. So I ask myself on this date, what it means to have chemistry and a deepened connection. What does it mean to be vulnerable and imperfectly perfect with your significant other? I can’t rely on my past and previous experiences to afford me the answers I have been long awaiting, but what I can do is look to my present and allow my thoughts and reactions to an action become filtered into my chemistry stream of love and more, and demand a deepened experience from myself and significant other. I am looking at chemistry entirely different now, as I am looking at my relationships and the quality over quantity experience. At times I want to simply have at it, and just not think about anything further then what's to be “expected”, but then the connecting force of that good ole chemistry allows me to experience a revolving of so many emotions and feelings, that I am unable to simply see things in a one sided kind of way. So at this very moment I am putting together the pieces of desire, lust and new found interest to passion, like/love and a mutual ecstasy that allows my mind to venture further for more.

Innocence is bliss…

I decided to look at you, and when I looked at you I really looked at you. I looked within in you, and as you spoke to me everything seemed to become clearer. The fear is a self-imposed slum created by myself. Within this fear I am left to venture on my own. I can’t tell you how many times I have allowed this fear to simply swallow an experience. An experience that needed time to grow and space to pace itself out, but no…I simply didn’t want to allow anything to seep within to nurture, develop and grow; I rushed light speed into lust without ever knowing love, and as I look back on the time spent rekindling nothingness I am left in a stilled silence. That was then… Currently, the fear and doubt exist still, but I don’t allow them to outweigh my passion for more. My love for the shared continuation of two lives drawn in unison to fall lovingly together through in-depth experiences carries my soul.

Honestly Speaking...

So I wait all of this time to absolutely become swallowed within myself and fear the developing of another's touch, taste and embrace and shared life experiences with me. I allow life to coincide with my individual needs and wants, but then when life presents a want and a need I have desired after and for, I become lost for words and have a hard time swallowing. My throat aches from the pull of what I know I should be saying, but I don't. I instantly become an active listener and I tune into you, but tune myself out. How do I begin again? Better yet, how do I allow myself to remain in a calm and not so much fixed state? Your responses are not what I am to expect. My reaction towards you are not to be forced. The flowing force of nature and pure life chemistry can not be tested, and I wont tamper with it. I have no doubts and I have no fear. Normalcy resumes I begin to breathe again. my once dry mouth is moistened and my former fears kindly separate from me. Suddenly I am faced with the reality of possibly more. How do I go about recieving him? I can not overwhelm my mind with that thought of what possibly could happen between us. Nothing has even started, but my mind is playing a game of Life...All I know is that feelings of doubt begins to creep in, and I visit all my faults and thoughts in question in regards to a relationship. I literally psych myself out, but this time I don't want to fear it or the start of it. I want to embrace it and allow it to bloom. I don't want to rush it, for whenever I rush no needs get met, only the basic ones and those needs are so limiting. So within this mood swing of sorts, I can honestly say I have checked myself back into normalcy and I await to experience you.